Shit Happens but Life Goes On

I saw my primary oncologist last week. He went over my most recent scans and saw only one small nodule (7mm) on my lungs. If this nodule does not grow, I am NED. That is excellent news! If I stay that way, and that nodule just goes away, I will be able to get a lung transplant for my idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which means my life could possibly be prolonged. But, I have to stay NED for a certain amount of years...so I am praying with all of my might that my cancer does not return and that I will be able to qualify for a lung transplant so that I can remain with my family for many more years.

While my current status is NED (no evidence of disease), I know the cancer is still lurking in my body; and there really is nothing they can do to treat it due to my IPF. The treatments would do more harm than good.

I've felt myself sliding more towards depression again this week. I know from past experience what depression feels like, and I do not want to go there again. I suspect knowing that my one year cancerversary being just two months away is part of the reason. Knowing they cannot treat me, steroid-induced weight gain, and being told that I have extensive lung disease does not help matters either. It also bugs me that fatigue has kept me from being the mother and the wife that I want or rather should be able to be.

When I woke up this morning, I realize that somehow and at sometime, I had adopted a victim mentality. I have been passively accepting the crap that my body has been handing me. That is simply not acceptable.

True, the cancer is not gone, but neither am I! Through no small effort of many people, including myself, I am alive. I am not going to waste the gift.

I can't choose not to have cancer or IPF, but I CAN choose how I want to feel about it. Today, I choose to feel empowered and hopeful.

I can't choose not to be fatigued, but I CAN choose how I react when the irritability rises unbidden. Today, I choose to hold my tongue and listen for understanding.

There are two kinds of people. Those that believe life is fair (everything happens for a reason) and those who don't (shit happens).

These differing viewpoints may seem like no big deal until you start thinking about the moral implications of a belief in a just world. I suppose if everything is working out for you, it's a pretty convenient philosophy. However, if life has thrown you some major curve balls (such as a diagnosis of a terminal illness) then you probably don't believe we all get what we deserve.

My own diagnosis of lung cancer and IPF left me completely gobsmacked! How on earth did a young, seemingly healthy woman get two insanely scary terrifying diseases? And yes, I was struck by the unjustness of it all. I mean, why me?

Secondly, life is not fair.

However, most of us grew up believing in a just world, a well ordered place where sensible and good behavior was rewarded and risky or bad behavior duly punished. This viewpoint not only shaped our moral code, it lent us an invisible cloak of safety.

This philosophy is the very reason that those of us with lung cancer are consistently asked as to whether or not we smoked. The asker wants to be reassured that our lung cancer is the direct result of cause and effect. Of course they haven’t stopped to think about how this question will impact us. If the answer is yes, the implication is that we are the agent of our own misfortune. And if it is no, we are reminded once again of our extraordinarily bad luck.

Belief in a just world is the thinking behind the stigma associated with a diagnosis of lung cancer. Stigma is defined as ‘a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person’. In the case of lung cancer, our diagnosis is inextricably linked to shame and a blame the victim mentality.

Which makes us all incredibly sensitive to any suggestion that cancer, and our disease in particular, is almost entirely preventable. ‘Helpless to Prevent Cancer? Actually, Quite a Bit is in Your Control‘ reads the catchy title of a recent article from the New York Times. The author, a professor of pediatrics (and therefore, I think, not an expert on adult cancers) makes statements such as this: ‘… you’d have to be living under a rock not to know that smoking causes lung cancer…’ Or this ‘About 82 percent of women and 78 percent of men who got lung cancer might have prevented it through healthy behaviors.’ The author makes a stab at empathy with this observation: ‘You don’t want to get into situations where you feel as if people don’t deserve help because they didn’t try hard enough to stay healthy’. However, the word deserve and that bit about not trying hard enough harkens right back to shame, shame, shame.

The way in which disease is characterized matters. Talking about lifestyle changes that can optimize health is always a good thing, but it is important to remain sensitive to the language that is used.

Calamity of all sorts and cancer in particular is often beyond our control. Nobody deserves lung cancer or IPF, whether they smoked or not. But sometimes, shit just happens.

It’s not easy thinking about our personal demise and harder still to discuss it. However, my own experience has been that the things we fear the most are those which we don’t understand. Talking about death–making it my familiar–has eased much of my personal anxiety. I urge each of you to take the awkwardness out of this dialogue (for both family and your oncologist) by bringing it up yourself. Consider it part of your personal legacy.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness 

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna