Smashing Plates

Yesterday was Relay for Life. We, of course, went and had a wonderful, but, emotional time. The first lap was for survivors and caregivers; my husband and my daughter cried their eyes out as I walked to "Overcomer" by Mandisa. Then, we were treated to dinner which was catered by Dieter Brother's and it was delicious. I had to come home for a breathing treatment, but we returned just in time for the luminary ceremony. This is when all four of us became an emotional mess. Three people donated luminary's on my behalf. My youngest son ran to the car right after the luminary ceremony. He was a terrible emotional mess. "This isn't fair! Why do you have to have cancer mommy?" I turned to him and told him that I am a fighter, and I would do everything I could to stay here for as long as I can. As long as I am here, we have to cherish that. I believe that. I want them to believe that and focus on that, too. I hate that they are so wrapped up in the negative of all of this. If only I could just take it all away.

At times I get incredibly sad about my situation- easy to do when you have end stage lung cancer and IPF. I'm sad that the probability is high that this is going to kill me. I'm equally as sad that the likelihood of me dying sooner (within the next four years) rather than later is great. 

During times of sadness, I often think of my husband and my children. I get incredibly sad at what I've done to them. And with my husband, I feel like I am not holding up my end of our contract to die of old age together.

If he is near me, during this episode, I apologize profusely. "I am sorry. I am so very sorry," I say. I truly feel sorry for the situation we are all in. I think, had I known what was to come of my future, I should have married someone I didn't like. I could have tortured them instead. 

I know that I have not done anything. I also know that KB does not blame me that I am sick- to him, I will never be a failure. Why is it that I have this yearning need to say "I'm sorry"? I'm sure I could read about this response of mine in a psychology book. It can't be too far from what others experience. Or is it?

Cancer and IPF have taken so many things away from me. Loads of things. I don't let it. I didn't give my things away. They are just big bullies!

Having advanced cancer and IPF in your mid-thirties comes with more loosing without giving. They have taken away my ability to work a job I loved. I can no longer exercise with my friends. And, they have taken away my ability to have stable energy for an entire day.

The most devastating is that cancer and IPF have both taken my ability to think that life works out for the better. I suppose I was lucky enough to have this total optimism until the age of 35. Still, I hate them both for taking this from me.

Cancer and IPF do their taking at will. I suppose what we give them, voluntarily, is a more important thing to recognize.

Mental toughness has been significant to me since my diagnosis. I shoot for the moon and accept wherever it is I land. Trying harder than anything to not be upset at myself for self-imposed inadequacies. 

It's true. I was dealt a complete shit-card. But, ultimately, I am the same person, except I see the world a little bit differently now. I do my best to maintain my grace and humor in the face of physical adversity. And I do it with "style".  I roll with the punches and if nobody is swinging at the moment, I am going to do my best to enjoy life. That's just me.

There is a distinction to be made between the medical definition and diagnosis of disease, and the lived experience of illness. I will not be in remission. I will die of my disease. This is the medical reality. But none of this changes who I am, my love for God, my love for my husband, my love for my children, and my love for my family and friends. And none of this changes the fact that I am not a quitter...and I will fight with every breath God gives me.

I've had a few rough days over the past couple of weeks. I have been angry. Anger is a form of grief. I get depressed from time to time and really just want an ear, or sometimes, all I want is to be left alone. 

It's not often that I get down, but when I do, I get really down. And I am entitled to that, periodically. I am entitled to get mad, yell, and even smash plates (no, I have never done that because I like my plates too much). 

Cancer and IPF do not just hurt you physically. They will break you apart piece by piece emotionally (if you let it). They will shatter your heart again and again. The longer I've lived with them, the harder it has become emotionally. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.

I finally got down on my knees and prayed that God take this burden and sadness from me. I know tonight, I will sleep knowing I am in His hands.

I am not always okay inside. This is something my children have to watch their mother go through every single day. My family and friends that care enough to stay in my life need to know this. If this is hard for you to understand, or if you think that I am throwing a pity party, walk in my shoes for one day...just one. And then see how well you handle it. If you have trouble empathizing or having compassion, well, you can go, and I will understand. I didn't choose this life. It chose me. I am making the best I can out of it.

I am not directing this towards anyone in particular. I am just putting into words what I cannot always voice to people. I am expressing my true, raw emotions, and I need my family and friends to be able to handle that, because it is already hard enough for me to.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness