Dysfunctional Mess

I'm writing today for the mothers and fathers who have young children and are dealing with an illness. I understand that you are completely worn out. I am sure you are at your wits end with trying to keep everything together. My children are practically grown.

My heart goes out to you greatly.


In a circumstance or a lifestyle you really only have options that can help relieve you:


1. You can learn to ACCEPT your circumstance as it is.
This takes a ton, a TON of internal work. It may even turn into your life's work. Because acceptance is real only if you really are able to feel peace in the moment. It's only real if you no longer feel a horrible resistance or resentment towards your situation. It's only real if your situation no longer nags at you every moment of the day. Acceptance is real when you can say - I know this situation is not changing anytime soon - or ever - and I will choose to react to this in a better way. I will choose to make the most of what I've got. I will use my limited energy to find ways to have gratitude, compassion, forgiveness, or love instead of resisting what is happening.

Being able to do this is one of the most powerful things I know of. Once I started actively trying to accept my life - that's when things changed. I feel so confident that if you can come to a place of acceptance for things you cannot change, you can be FREE of the chronic pain, the stings in your heart, and the feelings of despair.
There is another option, in some cases. You can...

2. CHANGE your circumstance.
To really change things, it may take a LOT of time. Sometimes you don't even know how to change things and you feel stuck, so you have to get crazy creative to find a solution. And almost always, any change requires HUGE sacrifices because to meet one priority, you often have to sacrifice another super duper important priority! Ah, it can be so hard! We're talking stuff like taking a leap of faith. Deciding you will move forward with or possibly end a relationship. Choosing a different job/career or simply trying hard to find a career, period. Saying no (or yes) to commitments huge and small. Moving to a different city or country. Possibly downgrading or upgrading your house or car. Getting a nanny. Or letting your nanny go. Postponing or quickening your schooling or your career. Moving closer to or away from family. Hiring a housekeeper. Starting a baby-sitting coop. Canceling classes or activities - or signing up for a class. Having a family member or intern or student move in with you temporarily. Working from home or getting a work space. It is seriously nuts trying to figure this all out and make life improvements! Especially because we usually want it all fixed NOW. And well, that takes us back to acceptance. If we can tap into acceptance while our changes are in motion, life can be better than ever. :)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


I know there are MANY out there who cannot have kids, but it is so easy to feel like you are the only one.

Today I share with you my tactics for being at peace with my life. I think this is powerful whether you are infertile or are a mother of 5.

-I just think to myself that we ALL have a unique life. I try not to envy someone else's life. And I constantly think of all the people that would envy mine. At the very least, I can walk and talk normally. There is a lot to be grateful for there. It snaps me into a state of gratitude.

-I remind myself that it is never, ever what we HAVE, it is what we DO with our lives and how we RESPOND to life that matters the most! While motherhood is a gift to many, it is a nightmare to others. While family life can be a joy, many families are a dysfunctional mess. So clearly, we can't expect children to solve all our problems.

-I remind myself to try and make the BEST of the life I am living right now. I know that if I couldn't do that, I'd probably make a mess of the life I imagined I'd have, even if it was given to me.

I don't know how I got so lucky to learn this stuff. It transformed my life.


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I want to share something I am doing personally RIGHT NOW. TODAY. AND YESTERDAY. to help me thrive more in this current life that we have.

I am currently working hard on this, let me tell you. Because I have so much to overcome.

We teach that often during a crisis mode, it feels similar to being on a tightrope because every move counts. Every word counts. There is so much at risk.

I feel that way now. Because my ability to move forward on our projects WITH CONFIDENCE and with MY WHOLE HEART is at risk. Every word and thought counts right now.

You see, my thoughts have been holding me back.

My thoughts have been burning up energy that I'd like to have available for moving this work forward.

For example, this last year the darkest things in my heart have felt this:

"I don't have the energy to continue this endeavor and it crushes me."

"I am tired."

"Either this works or it's over. It will be time to do something else - something more secure."

"I don't know how much more I can go without making a livable income."

"I feel too weighed down to write."

But I am working on changing my language to this:

"I choose to follow my heart and continue what I started. Because not doing so would not be aligned with my deepest desires. Following my heart is the only way to truly thrive."

"My truth is worth sharing fully. When I do so - without worry about the future - I am present. I am love. And the world responds."

"Money is not why I started this. My needs are met. If I continue to share my truth and share love, I will continue to receive something more valuable than any amount of money I could make if I returned to a traditional job."

"I HAVE been successful already. Wildly successful. The lives that have hope because of the words here - the changes that have been experienced by thousands...this work is the most rewarding thing I've ever done."

"This work is a joy. All the tasks before me...they are a joy. They lead to connection and community."

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Feeling empowered is a gift.

It's a gift we give ourselves.

We give it by changing our thoughts.

It's that simple.

I'm feeling a shift. And I'm grateful.
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I used to not have anything to say.
NADA.

You may not believe me, but people who have known me a long time can probably back me up on that.

I just felt like I didn't have anything to offer. One of my loved ones was particularly critical of me at the time. And back then I felt that disapproval deeply. I believed the messages that were being sent my way: that I was not good enough. That I wasn't valued. And, my voice stopped. There was nothing there.

I can tell you from experience, feeling like you don't have a "voice" is NOT FUN. (Maybe some of you can relate?)

And it affects more than speaking. I would not have been caught dead writing something online. Or sharing my opinion or thoughts in a public setting. Or even leaving a comment on someone's blog. Not even a comment! Ever! I felt I had nothing of value to say.
It wasn't until I began to rebuild my self worth from scratch that I began to feel I actually had something worthwhile to say - and the fears involved in sharing it started to melt away. Having some self worth affected EVERYTHING: The way I walked. The way I breathed. The way I interacted with friends. The way I spoke up and shared my opinion or thoughts in public. The way I felt as I laid my head on my pillow at night. The way I felt about being a valued human being in this world. My whole life was transforming before my eyes. It was so miraculous to me that I knew I had to use my voice to help others (welcome to this blog! :) I knew there must be other people out there like me.


I felt that if *I* had a voice in there - deep beneath so much previous worthlessness and fear, that EVERY SINGLE PERSON out there had a voice, too, and it NEEDED TO BE HEARD. The world needs us all. It is a great dream of mine that anything I say here on this blog might help you to use your voice, too.


My truest identity is what I consider my inner, divine identity....my divine birthright to be the best I can be; my desire to align with The Divine & Love by doing my best to embody all the virtues of the world that I can.


I don't have to rely on any other person or thing to pursue this identity or to be fulfilled by this identity or to truly OWN this identity. It's something I have right now.Pursuing this identity brings PURPOSE and HOPE to the most dire of circumstances. For this identity to have power, though, I have to OWN IT and allow it to guide my life, my decisions, and my reactions. This identity, no matter what mishaps happen in life, can always flourish and thrive IF I stay true to it and align with it above all other identities. Can you even imagine a life with purpose, even in the face of turmoil. A life with more love and less pain. A life that can respond to drama with strength. A life capable of being whole and free even in the face of toxicity. A life capable of still pursuing desires and even other identities, but doing so with power and strength and wisdom and self worth. It is possible. It is so very possible.


Now, an important clarification: if I mess up the order and align with other identities first, then I'm likely letting the circumstances of my life (and the trials of my life) dominate my well being- perhaps even paralyze me. For example: if I want to live and outrun the beast that will eventually take my life, it may ruin my whole life.


If I want to be a wife and have a great marriage more than I want to be individually whole - being single or having a failing marriage could make me feel worthless and insecure and unvalued.


This way of life is a complete roller coaster.

I think we all deserve something better.

Pursuing your truest identity is not an easy task, but the freedom, power, joy and peace that can result is so completely worth it. I hope you'll join me in the pursuit.


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How I'm okay with my body....


Script.

I learned this the very hard way, but I learned that I AM IN CHARGE OF THE SCRIPT IN MY HEAD. I do not need to adopt the script that another person or my spouse or a culture might have for me (whether it be the culture of family, religion, neighborhood, marriage, region, workplace, school, city, country, etc.) I KNOW THAT I GET TO DECIDE FOR MYSELF WHAT I WANT TO TELL MYSELF OR BELIEVE. And I do my best to live by that. To me, this is perhaps the most important/hardest thing we need to learn in life! At times in my adulthood, living by my own script has been easier to do just because I'm quite independent by nature and don't worry what people think most of the time. BUT, in my former marriage, somehow I became a victim to my husband's script related to my appearance. At the time I did not have enough self worth to resist it. And eventually it was as though I had to learn FROM SCRATCH how to create my own script again and think of myself in a more positive way. And let me tell you, I had to hold onto that script for dear life. But it worked. Changing my script changed my life and helped me to take back my own worth, confidence and light again.

Practice.

Deep down, I certainly know that physical beauty - or just our body parts - don't define us. And so I DO MY BEST TO ACT LIKE IT. So yes, I practice, practice, and practice. And in this case regarding the size of my br--sts, I PRACTICE FEELING GOOD IN MY OWN SKIN. So instead of being embarrassed of myself or ashamed or hating myself or comparing myself to others or wishing I looked different, it's more like, "I am so thankful for this healthy/functioning body. And not only that, I think I look pretty dang good!" It's also no secret that a woman's br--sts play an important role in intimacy and sensuality. And certainly those intimate moments could be tainted by negative thoughts and self criticism.And because it can be an important expression of a healthy sexual connection, I think, "How nice that there is just one very thin piece of fabric between us instead of a bunch of padding." :) Haha. There you have it (yes, all of it. haha). I share this to show that your thoughts change things, trust me. They change the way you feel. They change the way you act. So, put into practice feeling beautiful and enough as you are.


Not Waiting for People or Circumstances to Change.

I can say it's possible to change your script and learn to feel like enough on the inside, no matter what circumstance you are in, no matter what expectations people or your spouse have for you, no matter what cultural pressure you feel, no matter if your husband is addicted to porn or is unkind enough to let you know that he is especially attracted to women who don't look like you. As women, we cannot rely on others for our worth. We MUST cultivate it ourselves. Even if we have a loving environment, it is not enough.

Culture.

For me, I'm guessing culture is a big reason. While many may feel cultural pressure to get a surgery, I would say I feel zero cultural pressure to do so. One cultural type of pressure is not inherently better or worse than any other kind. All of them represent an external influence suggesting to you how you should judge yourself and others, or what parts of your body or personality or intellect are acceptable or not. In the end, I say we have to rise above that and choose for ourselves what we want to value- whatever it may be.


Values.

So why do I think small br--sts can be sexy and beautiful? Because br--st size is not a determinant of beauty or sex appeal for me. I value women spending their time and thoughts DOING smart, creative, innovative, charitable things - it doesn't matter to me how one looks or how big their br--sts are or how "attractive" they are as they do them. In my book, Smart is beautiful. Natural is beautiful. Creativity is beautiful. Confidence is beautiful. Hard work is beautiful. Healthy living is beautiful. Happiness is beautiful. Caring for others is beautiful. Wisdom is beautiful. Function is beautiful. Being a mother is beautiful. Minimalism is beautiful. Ambition is beautiful. Changing the world is beautiful. And perhaps most importantly, Owning Your Inherent Worth is beautiful.

I think the key is to just find out what truly feels beautiful to you and embrace it. And if your culture tells you something different, tell them to pound sand.

With lots of love to all of you - no matter what shape or size you are -with real or fake br--sts. You are all amazing women with SO MUCH BEAUTY to offer the world. And it is a great hope of mine that we as women can tap into our greatest power and gifts and worth- regardless of what we look like.

Having cancer and IPF has taken away quite a bit of my self-worth. My medication has made me gain weight which I absolutely hate, but I have learned to love myself regardless. I am just as adorable as I was before I was diagnosed with two terminal illnesses. God doesn't make mistakes....we should all remember that.

If ever someone has found healing and peace, my guess is it has come because similar principles to what we advocate on this blog have been applied in the life of that person, in that moment. I’ve had enough personal experience, read enough books on the subject, had enough one-on-one conversations, and received enough emails to know this is true, and that it crosses all kinds of bridges you would not have thought crossable. Healing and happiness always seems to come in alignment with a few simple principles.

We are not the authors or originators of this message. It is as old as the first person who felt peace in the face of loss, who decided to forgive someone who betrayed or offended them, who decided not to be defined by a life circumstance, a disability, a personal failure, or the actions/behavior of another person.

Though we are not the originators of the message, we CELEBRATE IT and we do our best to advocate it, and will as long as we are able. I understand that due to the very personal nature of blogging, it will seem like the focus is on us. But it isn’t. It is about how these universal principles have brought peace not just TO the most difficult moments of our lives, but IN the most difficult moments of our lives. It continues to bring peace to our lives, as often as we dig deep enough to apply it.

But we are human and don’t always find the strength, we don’t always live aware of the rut we can all dig for ourselves. And even when we are aware, we don’t always find the will power or grace to apply the principles that have worked for us EVERY TIME we’ve done the work in the past. And it is work, make no mistake about it. It is the work of surrender, and it requires laying on the altar all the things you’ve been told are so important to happiness, and digging deeper and deeper to discover the true foundations of happiness. It takes work to stop looking “lo here” or “lo there”, always outside ourselves, in order to discover that “the Kingdom of God is within you.” That quote applies no matter what religion you believe in, or whether you believe in God at all.

It is work because it requires laying aside your jealousies, anger, hatred, envying, comparing, and bitterness. It requires laying aside the desire to say “if only my life were like this, or my spouse were like that, or if my parents treated me in this way, or if I had this much money or that much free time.” It requires breaking into pieces the illusion that happiness and peace and wellness in life are made up of the right set of circumstances, the perfect job, great physical health or beauty, and fulfilling relationships….which of course is the last thing our ego wants to do because it means we have to get to work on the only thing that can affect our happiness…..us. Us and what goes on in the narrow confines of our hearts and our minds.

What I do hope is consistent on this blog, is that if ever we find happiness, it is always found by applying certain tools that seem to work whether we are facing a break in blogging and a question of what’s next, divorce, getting lost while traveling, losing sentimental and valuable items, or whatever else life throws at us. Tools that are available to EVERYONE. They are the same tools friends of mine have applied successfully to child abuse, neglectful or abusive spouses, infidelity, children who struggle and stray far from a safe or desirable path, death of loved ones, loss of jobs, poverty, misunderstanding, judgmental parents, serious physical disabilities, abandonment, friends who betray, etc….the list could go on and on and on. But it doesn’t need to.

The only question is will each of us decide to apply these tools to whatever it is that we are facing individually? Will we decide to quit comparing, will we recognize more quickly those moments when we are focused on circumstance or behavior (as happens to us ALL), and will we re-enter more deliberately the state of being that always accompanies peace and happiness?

Perhaps we can take courage and wisdom from the words of the Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius: “Because your own strength is unequal to the task, do not assume that it is beyond the powers of man; but if anything is within the powers and province of man, believe that it is within your own compass also.”

I hope no one will compare themselves to us. I certainly don’t seek to compare myself with those who have inspired me. Or if I do, the only way I compare is “What tools were they applying that I have not yet grasped or understood? And how can I learn from them and move forward in greater confidence and love?”

May you all move forward in greater confidence and love. May you never confuse the imperfect lives of people dedicated to a message with the beauty and power of the actual message itself. May you truly experience happiness, right where you are, in the moment you are in, with all of its existing circumstances. May you discover the power that is already part of you.


Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,


Shanna xoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness