Everyone has said, "You are handling this much better than I would." They do not know that for sure. I believe everyone has a reservoir of strength that is waiting to be tapped for something- climbing a mountain, childbearing, surgery, any number of stressful situations I can think of. I hit a real low today. I cried while in the emergency room. I could not handle the pain, the stress of the cancer and the IPF. I could not handle what all of this is doing to my family.
My body is slowing down, preparing itself for death currently through the forgetfulness, the instability in my gait...it will increase and change as I come nearer and nearer to death. I have been pushing and pushing it and my body is saying, "It is time to focus inward and to settle yourself." My body cannot and should not be trying to keep up with anyone who is healthy. I simply cannot do it and my body is showing that to me every day. It is time to stop taking care of everyone, friends and family. It is time to focus on myself and prepare for what is coming.
I am a very faithful woman. I know that means different things to different people. I feel I owe it to my readers to explain what I mean. Yes, I grew up in the South where some would say, it is easy for you to claim faith, as everyone down there goes to church. I agree that many do go to church but as a minister once said, "walking into a church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than walking into a garage makes you a car." So, here is what I mean when I say I am a faithful woman:
- I believe there is a God who orchestrated the heavens and the earth. I am not hung up on evolution.
- I believe that the world has fallen into sin from the very beginning, I am not hung up on a real or extended six-day creation.
- I believe that for every sin there must be a payment for that sin.
- Until God sent his son, Jesus, to be the ultimate payment for Sin, there was a separation between God and man.
- Christ came, lived, and then died for our sins. Every last one of them. Which is why we no longer bring bulls, calves, or birds to the alter.
- I believe he arose after three days. I really, really do. An actual resurrection.
- Christ is the bridge between God and man.
- I believe that as the scripture says, that He has gone to make a place for me (for me!) in heaven. I can't wait to see what my room looks like in that mansion. I'm thinking a fireplace in my bedroom with a Calico cat sleeping at the foot of my bed, just waiting on me. We shall see!
- I do believe in an actual heaven and an actual hell. No, I do not believe that everyone will go to heaven.
- No, I do not believe that there are many ways to heaven through many spiritual paths.
- Going to heaven is easy. The only thing you have to do is accept that you are a sinner and that you need to be forgiven for your sins. I don't know about you but I would rather trust/acknowledge that Jesus is my payment rather than the herd of cattle I would have to bring to the alter way back in the day. And then through prayer, ask Him to be your savior.
- When I pray, I am praying to the author of the universe and I believe He is listening.
- Does this confession and acceptance as Christ as savior make your life easier? No.
- Does this protect you from all harm and disease? Again, a big No.
- Will believing help you get through all of the disease, disappointment, disillusion of the world? A big yes.
- It it ever too late to become a believer? Absolutely not.
- Are there any sins too horrific to be forgiven for? No.
We are moving to Dallas in the middle of July to be closer to Baylor (I was finally accepted as a patient!). We have already found an apartment and go tomorrow to reserve our bottom floor beautiful new home. But, this mama has to let go. My eighteen year old has decided to stay and live with my mom and step-dad so he can continue on with a job that he has had for nearly six months. He is leaving the nest. And that kills me. We will be coming back to get him on his days off so he can stay the night with us, but of course it will not be the same. I feel like I am losing 1/3 of my heart. It seems like just yesterday he was riding his power-wheels and pretending like his name was Texaco. Eighteen. God I wish I could turn back the clock. For many reasons, he and I have always been extremely close.
What is it like living between two worlds- one foot on earth and one foot in heaven?
I really don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I am freed by so many things that you, the reader, are not. I no longer try to envision what living in a nursing home would be like. The stock market has no effect on me. I no longer have to worry about when I can retire. I no longer wonder what I will look like at 70 or 80. I tell people I love them freely and I can eat ice cream anytime I want.
I am much more focused on my movement toward heaven as time slips by and I am very cognizant of every day, of everything. I experience things so acutely now. The birds chirping, the locusts singing; everything. The river that runs just outside of town has never been lovelier. Every time my children tell me they love me, or I get a text from my husband telling me how beautiful I am, I am overwhelmed with love for them, for others, for God. I am not sure how much time I have left and yes I do feel like I am living in two different worlds. I am at peace with that.
Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxo
Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
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