During the past few weeks, I have been ruminating over relationships that have suffered at my hand or through a friend's hand and the need to make things right. I wouldn't even say that these are all serious, egregious acts, but somehow along the way, feelings have gotten hurt and there is faction. Living so far away from so many people that I grew up with, it is easy to forget about some of the situations or even some of the people as so many and so much has been replaced. But, there are still a handful of people and situations that I need to come face-to-face with and I just haven't.
Let's be real; I am procrastinating. I don't want to do it. I don't want to dredge up old wounds and I don't want pity from someone because "bless her heart she has lung cancer so I need to make it right" when it might not be.
Pray that in the next few weeks I will be able to hit this head on, like I usually do most other things. It will be tough. But, it must be done.
It's funny how some crisp days like we are having now can either catapult me into a heavenly realm or they can weigh me down with sadness at what me and my family are bearing. Luckily the low days are few. I go outside in the early mornings and watch the branches sway and the birds trying to hang on with their little skinny bird legs and it is easy to be swept away with thoughts. I am usually outside for hours. Some days I feel like the little bird holding on with all my might.
I spoke to a really good friend via Facebook Messenger for thirty minutes last night. He reminded me to live my days as happy as I possibly could. If I love Christmas, put up a Christmas tree. So, I have decided to go with his suggestions. I do not have an unlimited amount of time, and my children will learn how to live their days full and happy.
When I started blogging, almost a whole year ago, I made a list of things that I wanted to do before I died. My bucket list. I have had to modify it due to the fact that my breathing has become much harder....but here are some of the things I am bound and determined to do before that fateful day comes.
- Meet Casting Crowns
- Ride a Roller Coaster
- Go down a Water Slide
- Go to the beach and write my name in the sand
- Go to a concert
- Zip Line through a rain forest
- Meet Meryl Streep
- Go to a Boston Red Sox Game and meet Big Papi
I am pretty positive I have more things I want to do before that day comes, but these are the most important things I could think of. I would also like to publish my blogs in the format of a book.
You really never know how much time you have left. No matter how weird or quirky your bucket list may be, don't put these things off. Trust me on this one.
I swear to you I started writing this blog not knowing where I was headed but I am just going to finish it the way it is coming into my head; this is the way the Lord feels when we are out there weaving and dodging through life. He wants to save every last one of us, whether dirty, useless, defective- it doesn't matter. As we are bouncing down the highway, He has His eye on us ready to scoop us up if we will give Him half a chance.
As most of you know, I am going to be cremated when I pass away. I was going to be spread in the Brazos River with my grandmother and grandfather, but my husband has decided to keep my ashes until he passes. Then, we will both be spread on the Brazos together. I am going to have a memorial service that will consist mostly of music because music has been my entire life. I am not sure whether or not I will have a pastor officiating or just have my family and friends speaking at my service. Maybe we could have two services. One with just my family and friends and music...and one with a pastor officiating. I have not sorted out all the details just yet. I am writing down all the music I want played. As long as my ashes do not blow back in my children's faces, I am good. That would embarrass me tremendously.
In the last 72 hours, I have begun to sleep more. I want to lie down more and my nausea has further increased. The last oddest phenomenon is that my hands and feet tingle and are numb now. The doctor at Baylor told me that the increased fatigue and nausea are all a classic progression of the disease along with me not wanting to be around people much any more. It feels like I am preparing for death. Sounds so mysterious that I find it difficult to write. But it is true. I just want to be tucked away in my house, lying down and thinking. Maybe in preparation for the next step?
When people talk about battling cancer, I have never embraced that phrase as there is no battle to it when it is stage IV terminal. It is going to win every time. One just needs to learn to live within its constraints which I am trying to do. Some days with success, other days like yesterday, not so much.
We live in a fallen world and that until the Lord comes back, there would be lots of bad things happening- even to good people. Life isn't fair. "You need a buffer zone of silence around you in order to focus on the things that are not seen...the curse of this age is overstimulation of the senses, which blocks out awareness of the unseen world." -Sarah Young
I love to sit and think about an unseen world. That what we see is NOT all there. Just like the microscopic world around us- we can't see it but no one disputes its existence- there is another world where we as believers will go and then live there FOREVER. And, right now, you can't see that one either. All of this will be sorted out and be made "fair", just not by me. By God. I won't have that burden. I will be too busy catching up with my grandmothers, my grandpas, my cousin, my best friends, my twins, and all my lost loved ones.
Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
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