Go Love Yourself

What is love?

There are five phrases I use to describe love:

"I see you."

I see your humanity. I see your suffering. I see your past. I see that you are hurting. I see that some sort of pain has brought you here. You are not defined by what has happened or is happening to you. I see that you have worth regardless. I see the real you.


" I trust you."

I know you will figure this out. You have everything you need to succeed. I'm not worried. You don't need to be perfect. I trust that even if you make a mistake in this moment, you'll do your best to learn from it. Even your mistakes will be valuable. You have a lifetime to learn and grow. I know that your life can get better and better.


"I believe in you."

I've seen your good side. I've seen what you are capable of. I know that you have a good heart. I know that you have good intentions. I know that you'll get better and better at being you, at being whole, and at believing in your own worth as well. Your life will unfold in beautiful ways. Good things await you.


"You are going to figure this out."

Life may be difficult, but life is also full of beauty and potential. I know you'll be able to uncover more and more of that potential. Perhaps you've had a rough patch, but that is just the human experience and nothing to worry about. Every single person faces rough patches of some kind, and you, too, can face it with every ounce of inner power that you have. This time may be challenging, but it will bring you more knowledge, more experience, more capabilities, and more compassion. You are going to be better for it!


"It's okay to make mistakes. I still love you."

No matter what you've done, it doesn't change the fact that you have worth. I am not going to judge you, ever. You are worthy of my time, you are worthy of my respect, you are worthy of my love. Even if you disagree with me- even if you reject me- you are deserving of my respect- just as every human being is deserving. There is nothing you could do that would change my desire to offer you love and offer you the best of myself.

To any soul who feels they have messed things up-

or maybe you cheated physically or emotionally outside of your relationship;
or brought desperation or insecurity or unhappiness to a relationship;
or made decisions that led to a divorce or pushed someone away;
or just plain made stupid decisions;
or came from a family where dysfunction was rampant and you're now carrying it forward;
or had health or hormone or fatigue or mental problems that led to you not being your best;
or hurt someone very deeply, perhaps out of your own pain;
or can't love and be vulnerable in the way that you want;
or made a big mistake;
or had/have regrets about marrying your spouse and haven't handled it well.

I say to all of you - with great love and understanding - that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

In fact, we are ALL toxic. Ha. Every single one of us. That is the human experience. We are all learning. We are all screwing up (big time) along the way. I, for one, have lots of screw ups.

So what do we do?

The answer is simple, powerful, and effective.

It happens to be the same answer I'd give to someone who feels they are the one getting hurt by someone toxic.

I say: This does not have to define you.

This behavior or this mistake is not who you are at the core.

One or even one hundred screw-ups doesn't have the power to permanently destroy your life or permanently define who you are. Yes, it may destroy or harm a relationship. But you are always evolving. And you always, always get to choose what you do next, regardless of what your past behavior was. And the truth is, you can absolutely make a shift at ANY TIME. That is up to you. (Though, I'll admit, while change is possible, it can be difficult. Uprooting old patterns, conditioning, and past beliefs is no joke and it takes some work. If you want to change, though, it's possible.)

And what kind of change would be the most helpful or effective? There are many, many things you can do. But I happen to love this one...

I say start pursuing a virtue. :)

And in this case, pursue a virtue towards YOURSELF.

What does that look like?

Forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. We're all human.

Give yourself a break for crying out loud.

I actually don't think mistakes or weaknesses are as big of deal as we think they are. Really. It all gives us an opportunity to learn and progress as a human being.

Compassion.

See yourself through the lens that you would hope to see others through. Yes, try it.

Have compassion for yourself as someone who is just trying to do the best that they know how in a moment or in a chapter of life.

Honestly, we're all like toddlers, just trying to figure things out. Sometimes it's with cheerios and toilet paper. Sometimes it's with defaulted mortgages, love affairs, and abuse.

It's all ok. It really is.

And by that, I mean that no matter what we do, it is never so bad that we can't make a change and get back to living with peace and harmony.

Watch Les Miserables, the greatest redemption story on earth, for a reminder that redemption is within all of our capabilities.

Gratitude.

Have gratitude that you even have this opportunity at all - to become something greater; to reconnect with your highest self, opposed to just blindly living an unconscious life.

It is our deepest pain and suffering that inspires us to move forward; to change; to learn how to heal; to be more conscious.

Pain and failures are sacred for that reason.

Hope.

If you believe in humanity; believe in yourself, too. You are part of humanity. You don't have to play by stricter standards than anybody else.

If someone out there - someone that you know of - has overcome anything at all...know that it is within your own compass also.

Know that screw-ups don't have to lead to more screw-ups. Tell yourself that you made these mistakes. But don't believe that you made the screw-ups because you are inherently, permanently an idiot. That's not who you are at the core. Believe that at that time in your life, in those circumstances, under that pressure, or in that pain, or with that knowledge, you made mistakes (or are making them currently). But nothing has to be permanent. Believe that you have it in you to do something different in the future.

Love.

"Go love yourself." A woman who does body work in Cuenca uses this line, and I love it.

Start on a path to healing. Get some self care. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Please! Physically and mentally! Get a team of people surrounding you as you try to make some changes. Reach out to people who want to help you (friends, family, coaches, therapists, mentors, AA, support groups, etc.). You are worth it. You are worth the time. You are worth their time.

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Having said all that, it's true that sometimes our behavior can be so bad that it leads to the breakdown of a marriage or relationships or other things that seemingly cannot be reversed. If we're lucky, we have extremely understanding people around us who know how to not take things personally and will accept us for as long as it takes. Though sometimes we push their limits too much. Maybe they don't know how to react lovingly. They're human, too. They're battling their toxicity and unconsciousness, too.

If disconnection happens, it's truly not the end of the world. Yes, it may lead to an even greater need to forgive yourself and others. It may lead to an even greater need for love and kindness towards yourself as you heal.

But so much beauty can still be experienced.

This is the human experience.

It is worth having.

And luckily we're ALL in this together.

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Things That I Thought Would Change My Marriage


1/ Looking prettier or being more desirable.

2/ Being cooler or more interesting or engaging.

3/ Encouraging my spouse to get help when at times he wasn't interested.

4/ Finding a way to get him to love me.

5/ Me learning to be silent and engage less because he had discomfort in the exchange of love.

Ha! Obviously, none of these things worked! I learned (eventually) that all I could really do to improve my marriage was focus on my own wellness (mentally, emotionally, spiritually), my own ability to feel independent happiness, and my own ability to exude peace and be my best self in the world - regardless of his actions. Doing that was the best offering of love I could give.

I feel that if we're doing that, then it puts the other person in the best position to live their best life, too! It removes the pressure! That's the best gift ever. Though it doesn't always save a marriage. I wish that could always be the case. But in the end, both parties need to have a desire to sustain a marriage if it's going to improve.


And I guess that is why Kevin and I have managed to make it work all these years.


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Dear Kevin,

In life we are all faced with challenges. Some people’s challenges look a little easier than others. They are shorter and at the end they may reap some great reward for their endurance in getting past that setback. In our lives, it seems like we have nothing but challenges.

Many people always say to me, “It just doesn’t seem fair that you two have so many problems.”

I’ve stopped seeing them as problems or setbacks and even challenges. I just see it as life. Yet, sometimes I do sit back and think about all the good we’ve radiated out into the world and things we’ve done for others never expecting anything in return and think, “Where is our reward for our hard work?”

Over the years I’ve lost friends over the most petty and mundane things and I’ve had loved ones die, we’ve been broke, we’ve had more than plenty, we’ve traveled, we’ve come home again and I woke this morning and realized something, I don’t need to wait for a reward at the end of each struggle. It’s not necessary.

You are my reward. I already have it and I am lucky enough to have spent the last fifteen years of my life waking up to my reward every single day.

Not many people can say that or have what we have. Our relationship is solid. Though we have our ups and downs like anyone else, we know the truth in our situation and that truth is whatever we have or don’t have doesn’t matter because we have each other.

When I was younger, I didn’t feel loved. Not by my family and not by my friends. I felt tolerated. It’s such a horrible feeling to feel like people keep you around because they either feel sorry for you or because they can get something from you. Even though my family and I are closer than most families, I didn’t feel loved there. I felt like I was an outsider being allowed to tag along.

As I grew older I started to feel like I was incapable of being loved. Even worse, I felt like I would be incapable of loving another. I never saw myself getting married. When I had visions of the future they included me as far away from my family as possible. I was never surrounded by friends in these visions. I was always doing what I still always do, working. I didn’t seem happy in them; I seemed content to be on my own, however.

Then I met you. From day one, I knew that you would be in my life forever. I never believed in love, let alone love at first sight. I don’t think I loved you at first sight, though you were awfully adorable. I think I loved you after you first spoke. You were funny, you were humble and you were honest. Something I rarely experienced with anyone.

Fifteen years later, I find myself to be one of the luckiest and richest people in the world.You may have to sink every dime in to taking care of me but it's not the money that makes us rich. It is your love and friendship that does. I am blessed with every single day of my life to have you in it. And call me selfish, but I think I deserve another fifty plus years with you.

So, as heartbroken as I am about my illness, with all of the pain it has caused you and the kids, and all of the stress it has brought upon you this past year, I am grateful.

I am grateful for every single day since I was diagnosed to wake up with you by my side.

I am grateful for your sense of humor and your kindness.

I am grateful for the love you give me and the love that you allow me to give back to you.

I am grateful in every way possible and I could never truly express to you all the ways I am truly grateful and all the ways you have truly been a blessing in my life.

I love you!

Love you all...and truly mean it...and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness