A Letter to My Wife

   I am typically not a blogger. But, since I have permission to write on my wife's blog, I will take the time to do that now. I am her caregiver, the person who gets to see her through all counts. In my mind, I believe that she shines beautifully in all of them. I know that I am caring for a terminally ill person, and yes, I wish that was not the case, but when I said my vows, I meant them. Even when she passes away, I will be faithful to only her. 

   To constantly bear witness to the ravages of the disease knowing you are powerless to stop it, is a huge burden. I want to know what I can to do to help her, but I don't know where to start. I believe that everyone that is taking care of a terminally ill person refuses to believe that there is nothing that can be done to save them and so we begin to search for miracles only to find out there are none.

   In time, we come to accept that they are dying and begin grieving for the loss of them in their lives.Our grief is compounded by our sense of helplessness. There are so many frightening and unanswered questions. What is going to happen? When will it happen? Will there be much pain? Living in expectation of a loved one’s death is like sitting on a time bomb, knowing it is going to go off and being powerless to stop it.

   The  journey of my wife Shanna's diagnosis with terminal cancer has taught me many things, above all, the true meaning of love, and the strength of the human spirit. As I witnessed her incredible courage, it brought forth in me a fierce determination to ease her journey. Ours is a story of love and devotion, testament to the vows Shanna and I pledged to each other on our wedding day, November 2, 2001. “In sickness and in health, until death us do part.” We meant every word.

   I know I cannot stop my wife from dying, but I could help her live.

   My acceptance of my wife's impending death came with a fierce determination to help her achieve quality of life for the remainder of her days. I knew that I needed to understand more about her disease in order to help her, so I sought knowledge. I asked questions about her disease, and studied the pain and symptoms she would experience as it progressed and ways by which to manage them. I learned a lot and through this I came to realize, that although I could not stop my wife from dying– I could help her to live.

   My knowledge allowed me to be one step ahead of the disease progression and gave me the opportunity to have medication — and later, physical aids such as oxygen, wheelchair etc – on hand before Shanna needed them. This alleviated much fear, pain and discomfort. My knowledge regarding pain management and symptom control, enabled me to take an active role in her care, working hand in hand with her doctors to obtain for her a quality of life few thought possible considering the nature of her disease.

   We have spoken of death. I asked Shanna if she was frightened and she said, “No it will be nice to sleep”. We spoke of her grandparents and the hope that they would be waiting for her. I have remained strong and I believe I am helping Shanna to die well, just as I have helped her to live since her diagnosis. It comforts me that she is not afraid of dying. 

   I love my wife as I have never loved anyone in my life before. When we met, it was like we both had won the lottery- neither one of us perfect, but perfect for each other.

  When she passes, my loss will be huge. My wife is funny, fun, intelligent, beautiful, brilliant, and all she wants to do is see me succeed. She doesn't compete with me (which is surprising because she competes with everyone). 

   When we first met, she didn't seem like the woman that would typically fall for me. I was a bundle of nerves and she was confident. Then, our mutual friend set us up on a date, and as I got to know her, I knew she was the one. To be honest, I knew it the first time I saw her. I was a bit of a dork and she was cool. She convinced me that it was cool to be cool.

   Shanna Brock will go down but she will not go down without an enormous fight! And she worries about me. She worried that no-one would be able to take care of me. I assure her that the kids and I will grieve together.

   Shanna has given me the gift of love. When she looks in my eyes, I feel it. The whole world stops. 

   I want to honor her life and her gift by reminding myself and others to seize each moment and to love with abandon.

   Shanna, Angel, Angelbaby,Babydoll...I love you, always and forevermore! 

   Kevin

   

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