I am having seizures (several of them at a time), my oxygen level is between 80-94% while I am on oxygen, I have thrush, and my heart-rate and blood pressure cannot make up its mind (it's either too high or too low). I am so ready to be home with my babies and teach them. I cannot decide who this is harder on, them....or me.
Watching your children worry about you, while you are worrying about what they are going to do without you is gut wrenching. It is emotionally exhausting and it will literally rip your heart to shreds. Hearing my children ask me if I am going to die and not being able to answer no is devastating. My youngest has become extremely clingy, making the nights when I am at home the worst. If I do not look over at his game or hold him (he is 12), he gets teary eyed and upset. He thinks there just isn't enough time, and I cannot tell him that there is.
Tristan also has ADHD. When I was diagnosed, he totally changed. He still needs his mom for so much. He does not seem as interested in doing school work as he does just spending time with me. For instance, he has called me several times since I have been in the hospital and cried because he cannot come and see me everyday. And believe me....that kills me. Tristan has become more forgetful and continues to be so. I have tried so hard to keep him on task to remember and get organized, but I am all he seems to think about.
On top of cancer, seeing my children go through this is almost more than I can take. According to UCLA: "Children whose parents are diagnosed with cancer are more likely to experience increases in general levels of distress and anxiety. They may experience other changes in mood as well as their self esteem. Children whose parents are ill, may manifest their distress through changes in school performance, physical complaints of pain and discomfort, as well as changes in social and interpersonal relationships."
My daughter is finding herself "needing" a boyfriend. She has been doing very dangerous things online to try and find a boyfriend since I have been diagnosed. Her reaction: to find love and comfort through someone else. She is terrified that I am going to die and that she will be left with no-one to love her. But, she is so mistaken. She has taken on the burden of so much emotional distress that it worries me. We are all going to be headed to counseling soon.
As far as my eighteen year old goes, he finds comfort and solace in a bottle. He does not drink often, but when he is forced to think about everything, he chooses to drink. He does not open up and he never has. I let him know that I am here for him all of the time, but it doesn't seem to help. He has a hard time believing and trusting God right now...because in his mind, how could a God that loves him so much put his mother and family through all of this? And, I just tell him that this is not God's idea or plan. He has something bigger in store. Right now, he doesn't want to listen to that....and that is okay.
Quite frankly, it is stressing me out to the point of near daily meltdowns when my children are so distressed. I know their self-esteem is low and it absolutely breaks my heart. For the most part, they do a good job hiding it....but they have their moments when you can see the fear and terror in their eyes. This is why they do not come to the hospital very often. I do not want them to be more upset than they already are.
If you're reading this, and you see my children, try to put yourself in their shoes for a day. Their mama...the glue that holds everything together is sick...so they are constantly worrying about me, to the point that the youngest two try snapping a picture of me any chance they get. Or put yourself in my shoes. What if you knew you would have to leave your child before you are ready? It's pure torture.
Any little bit of encouragement, compliment, acknowledgment of something good they do goes a long way.I am sure everyone sees me as overprotective. The truth is, I just want to see them grow up. But, we all know that's a long shot. I try to make them happy while I can, because I know that one day, I won't be able to do that anymore. People tell me I baby them...I make their plates, I put together their burgers, I pour their teas, I wait on them hand and foot, but unless you or your children are going through this, you have no idea what you would be doing. When one person in the family gets cancer or a terminal illness, the whole family gets it.
I'm okay with what will happen to me in the end. But, I so much want to be here for and with my babies and my husband. And my poor mother, I know she has been on the brink of a breakdown since I got diagnosed.
Sorry for the sad post, but this is how we live. We make the most of it no matter what the most may be. Despite the kids constantly feeling like they are worthless, to me, they are worth more than anything in the world. I hope they always know that. They are the best things I ever did in this life. I pray for them daily and I hope that all three of them can find peace in God in this situation.
Love you all and truly mean it...and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016 
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