I want to tell him that I will be okay, or that I know when I will get to go home....but these are all things that are up in the air and I cannot lie to my children. All I do know is that I was blessed with three amazing human beings who hurt just as much as I do whenever we have to be separated. True love can only be really felt through them because I was there for their very first breath. And that brings us back to breathing again.
You know that amazing moment when you watch your child take his or her's first breath....and then the cry at the end? You know the immediate relief you feel when you hear that scream? I have only heard one of my children cry and take their first breath unassisted....and that was Tristan. Damion was over a month premature. He was taken to Cook's Children Hospital shortly after delivery because he could not breathe on his own and the valve that is supposed to shut to his heart when he took his first breath did not. I spent six long days in a hospital over an hour away from him...and I never got to hold him before they took him away. They had told me that he would probably be in NICU for 2-3 months because his lungs were in terrible shape. The first time I got to go to Fort Worth to see him, I had to wash my hands for three minutes (the longest three minutes in the world) and I slowly walked past all these tiny babies. My baby was the biggest in the NICU. I sat down in the rocking chair beside him watching him breathe through the respirator. I touched his feet and sang to him. And then they asked if I would like to change his diaper. I cried at the thought. That was the closest I had been to my child since I had delivered him. I prayed so hard for him, kissed his little hand, and then left. The very next day...they had him off the oxygen and I got to hold him! I will never forget that moment. His tiny body felt so perfect nestled in my arms. I watched him breathe in and out. I was able to breastfeed him. I was able to finally hold my child after 9 days of waiting. It was all uphill after that. He was sent home 5 days later....not 2 or three months. He was just waiting for his mommy. We needed each other. We still need each other just as much.
My daughter did not scream when I delivered her either. She had really labored and shallow breathing and did not want to eat. She was also a preemie but only by two weeks. I had been on bed-rest with her from 20 weeks on. I kept going into premature labor. She slept all of the time. I kept asking her doctors...begging them practically, to do something. I knew something just was not right. Finally, they checked her bili counts. They were ten times higher than the normal bili count should be. They at first sent home-health in and put her on a bili blanket. This did not seem to help her at all. Her counts just kept staying high...and all she would do is sleep. I got no sleep at all worrying myself sick about her. So, they ended up putting her in the hospital and putting her under the bili lights. They at first did not put her little sunshades on to protect her eyes from the lights. Long story short....because they waited so long to treat my daughter's jaundice, she now has Cerebral Palsy and is blind (this was from failing to protect her eyes from the lights). She is the kindest and most generous little girl I could have ever asked God for. Will she have challenges in her life? Certainly! But, my daughter is a thriver. She refuses to give up! And that inspires me in my battle.
My youngest had the strongest set of vocal chords I had ever heard. He was on time (a little too close actually...all three were born via c-section and I was in labor with him). His dad got him all cleaned up and he continued to scream through his bath. He did not stop screaming until he was placed in my arms. For the first time, I was holding a healthy baby boy with a amazing set of lungs (he still has that set of lungs by the way). He grew up to be my wild child. He is so full of energy...energy that will make you sleepy if you watch him for too long. He is my little mini me. He loves attention. And he loves to spell! He also doesn't have any issues telling you what is on his mind.
My three kids are truly a blessing. Each one of them faces a disability. My oldest has severe asthma, my daughter has Cerebral Palsy, and my youngest has asthma and ADHD. They say God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle...and I know that is right. If it weren't for these three strong souls, I would have never been courageous enough to fight back. I have watched my oldest battle RSV several times, along with double pneumonia and the swine flu (which almost took his life). I see the way people (children) treat my daughter simply because she is different. She gets picked on because she has a disability and that is why I teach them now. I have watched my youngest go through respiratory distress and survive Rhabadocarcinoma. These battles they have fought and won...have only taught me how to be victorious in my own. Without them I would be nothing. They really are my three heroes.
When I was a kid, the playgrounds had the wonderfully simple see-saws that were nothing more than a plank of wood over a pivot point. We would play a game where one person would be all the way down, and the other all the way up. That child would say: "Farmer, farmer let me down!" The other would respond, "What will you give me Charlie Brown?"
And then a negotiation would ensue, with poor Charlie trying to get back to Earth. If the Farmer chose to, she could jump off the see-saw, sending Charlie plummeting into the hard cement. Ah, childhood.
As a metastatic cancer patient, I ride a see-saw between hope and acceptance. I suppose I could say thankfully...now that my pulmonary fibrosis is kind of in charge and my cancer has taken kind of a backseat...that I could hope that this could actually go on for some time (but at what cost?). Then, of course, there are days that the knowledge of what I am facing leaps into my face and refuses to be ignored. The unrelenting nature of this disease can feel just enormous. Month after month of medications, scans, weighing pros and cons of treatment, decisions and difficult choices, marching on into eternity. Fight as we may, our "war" doesn't have a clear victory at the end. This is a marathon that lasts a lifetime, and the finish line is six feet under.
Yeah, acceptance.
Much has been written about the danger of false hope, about of the importance of accepting one's prognosis and diagnosis. I think doctors fear that we don't understand the gravity of what we are facing, but perhaps they don't fully uderstand the sensation of sitting at the end of a miles-long see-saw, suspended stories above the earth, waiting to crash down.
I have come to believe that hope is vital for those of us living with metastatic cancer. Without hope, the weight of our truth becomes too much to bare. I think there is nothing wrong with hanging on to a ray of hope to beat back the fear, to let you down more gently into acceptance, to, in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr., "hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope." That's one doctor that understands the power of hope! Hope allows us to dream of what might be. And dreams allow us to survive this nightmare.
Love you all and mean it....and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds) gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016 
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