I look at all of the pictures people post on Facebook of them smiling at concerts and of taking amazing vacations with their children. I am going to be completely honest here, it really hurts to look at those pictures, of seeing people living their lives, their plans and dreams still intact. I'm a bit jealous and bitter. I wish I could go back to that place of innocence. I hate that I am stuck in the house all of the time with the children. And yet, they seem perfectly content with the little I can give them.
I'm done making plans and having dreams. I know that won't always be the case, or at least I hope it won't be. One day, if I am fortunate enough to win my war against cancer, probably even as I am fighting this war, I will have new plans and dreams, some of which may be a derivative of this chapter in my life. In the beginning they might be small, like going away for a weekend or buying a car or getting a goldfish or helping a fellow cancer fighter, and then later they might become big again, like adopting another dog, or planning a trip to Atlantis with the kids. But, sadly, I'm not there yet. For now, I am bidding goodbye to my forsaken dreams and can only live one day at a time.
Kaitlyn told me tonight that she keeps having dreams that I am dead. I told her it is just because she is afraid that I will leave her. When she hugs me now, I feel as if she's giving of herself to me- her life force, her hope, her joy for life. This child, whose emotional, yet spunky spirit reminds me so much of me as a child, inspires me. It's not just that I want to "live for" her and Damion and Tristan, as so many people have told me to do. It's much more than that. I feel like Kaitlyn is giving me mental and spiritual weapons reminding me of my own spunky, stubborn, fiery spirit, reinforcing my own inherent strength. Rather than being a casualty of war, she and her brothers are part of my arsenal of weapons. I have focused on allowing my children's touch, their very presence to envelope me in a shroud of protective and pure love that I know can shield me from the worst this war could ever inflict on me.
As a child, I used to lay awake at night and yell at God ask him why? Why would he allow people to bully someone who only wanted to be their friend? Why would he let them push me so close to wanting to die? Why did He allow them to win? Why didn't He protect me from the people who I just wanted to hide from so I could learn? And then again, after my daughter was born and we finally received the diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy...I again bargained with God. She, too, was bullied in school. She could barely walk, she had accidents, she couldn't write very well. So, this is why I home-school my children, because as you could probably guess, the school system did nothing for us...for her.
Every since the diagnosis, fear for Kevin and my loved ones seems to live in every molecule of my body. Why did he sleep so long? Could he have cancer? What about his indigestion and his problems swallowing? I look at my children and have the same fears. Does Katie have brain cancer because she has balance issues? Did they miss something?? Does Tristan have cancer because his stomach hurts so bad? Does Damion? Cancer is so insidious that it attacks your every waking thought. Whatever modicum of security I once felt is completely shattered. If cancer and bad shit struck once, it can and will strike again. I know it.
So, I lay awake at night now with the voices in my head screaming these questions, wondering what horrible thing will happen to me and my family next. And I find myself making another deal with God, going back to my long-ago formed ideas about the balance between good and bad. In a world where I have no control, what choice do I have but to talk, scream, rant, and beg of God? I tell Him, "If you're going to do this shit to me again, if you're going to give me more shit to deal with in my life; fine. I can handle it. But you leave my husband, children, parents, sibling, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, and everyone I love alone! Dammit! Leave them alone! Do whatever you want to me, but you leave them alone! Don't you dare touch them!
I know you can't make a deal with God, but I am hopeful that He will hear this one. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. The sicknesses you get before you can ever get treatment...knowing the cancer just keeps on growing while you just keep on getting sicker and sicker and there is NOTHING that can be done....it is so hard. So very hard that most nights the tears are hard to hold back. And most of the time, I don't. Most of the time, I cry myself to sleep.
There is value in our own individual memories, our own past, our own history; after all, what are we but a product of all our own experiences? Rather than looking without to find inspiration, strength and hope, sometimes we must look within ourselves to discover and discern our own story. Of course, looking within is much more difficult, for we must confront our painful mistakes, our inner demons, our fears, our weaknesses, our insecurities, our ugliness.
So to Damion, Kaitlyn, and Tristan, I, as your mother, tell you this, just in case I am not there to stroke your hair and whisper these things into your ears. When you are afraid and overwhelmed and hurt, look within yourself and find the strength that lives within your soul. Have faith in yourself, in God, in your own beauty, your intelligence, and strength, and know that a part of my soul...scarred as it may be but hopefully imbued with some wisdom and certainly overflowing with love for you, resides within you.
Love you all...truly mean it (and God loves you too),
Shanna
xoxoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
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