Let's talk about anger for a second. I asked at least a thousand times why my daughter was born with a disability, why she was born blind while society's degenerates who add no value to the world and have no physical disabilities whatsoever. Even so, gratitude can never silence the persistent "Why" questions that arise from every tragic event, whether past or present, whether far reaching or personal. Physical and mental disabilities, disease, child abuse, plane crashes, car accidents, shootings, terrorist attacks, and all other circumstances and events that result in senseless suffering- they all give rise to the agonizing and universal questions of why. Why did I develop lung cancer in my 30's? Why are innocent babies born with horrible diseases every day, diseases that will cruelly and unfairly deprive them of the ability to experience even a modicum of what life has to offer? Why? Why? Why? Why?
One of the only times I truly got angry at my diagnosis is when I found out that genetic testing on my tumor indicated no genetic markers. I understood that the lack of a genetic explanation for me having cancer was a good thing for my children and my brother. I understood this yet, I was beyond furious. I cussed...more than I should. "So, there's no fucking reason for this shit? Is that what you're telling me? No fucking reason at all?" I found out, it is just random bad luck. Of course it is.
The need to answer the "Why" question, to find reasons is basic to anyone's attempt to cope with suffering, as if an answer will make the suffering less painful, as if a reason will make sense out of an otherwise senseless occurrence. And yet, even when one can point an accusatory finger at that mutant gene or that renegade bacteria or that pilot error, the fundamental "Why" question still remains unanswered. I know that mechanical failures in the human body and in man-made vehicles occur for any number of seemingly simple or complex reasons that may be attributable to neglect, abuse or just random happenstance, resulting from a series of unfortunate events. But why did those things happen in the first place? It's like a four year old's unending why questions that ultimately cannot be answered to anyone's satisfaction. "Why can't I have a doughnut?" "Why is sugar bad for me?" "But why does sugar do that?" "Why does sugar even exist if its bad for us?" At some point all "Why" questions are all unanswerable. At some point, all of them, no matter their subject matter, when reduced to their lowest common denominator are questions about our very metaphysical existence that go beyond our limited understanding. At a basic level, the questions are about why we breathe, why the sun shines, why we as human beings cry and laugh. How can we possibly know the answers to such questions?
All of my life, I have put myself out there and risked failure and heartbreak. And most importantly, I didn't allow myself to ever believe that I was a victim of circumstance. Lots of terrible things can happen and we will never know why they happened, either in the direct casual sense or in the universal sense. But what we do know is that we can control how we respond to the challenges we face. I have a choice as how I live with cancer. I can refuse treatment and pretend like I'm not sick. I can be angry and bitter. Or I can accept what has happened with grace and dignity and search for the goodness that I know from experience that can come from tragedy. To do so is to demonstrate the unconquerability of my soul and the indefatigable nature of my spirit. Even though I inhabit a world where I have so little power, I have and will always have power over my spirit, over the way I choose to respond to life's challenges. Maybe I am wiser in the lessons I have learned by having three children...one with a disability. Maybe I am indeed lucky. Or maybe I am just richly blessed by God's love and wisdom.
I choose to believe ultimately in God and my willingness to not give up not some trite vague idea about everything happening for a reason. I know that God has a plan for each of us, but I do not believe that God is the reason for my cancer. The one certainty I have lies within me and my sense of self, in my desire of for self-determination and to control my destiny amidst all the forces beyond my control.
I can see and certainly understand why many of you choose not to read my blogs because I am writing about cancer and the possibility of death, seemingly very depressing topics. But in truth, I am writing about much more than my cancer and the possibility of my death. I am exploring the universal themes of life that we all experience as human beings. I have no interest in writing about the technical side of cancer or about the boring ins and outs of my life, and you would have no interest in reading such material. I like to think that I write to remind myself and to teach my children about strength, faith, and love. It's my sincere hope that you find some truths in what I write that will help you now or in the future.
Thank you to all who are reading and supporting the writer in me. Thank you for seeing that my posts are not intended to be depressing. Thank you for seeing the hope and inspiration in them. Thank you for reaching out to me or reaching out to my husband and letting him know how much they mean to you, it heals the hurt from those who don't read or don't understand. Thank you a million times over.
Love you all....mean it (and God loves you too),
Shanna xoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
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