I rested on Damion's shoulder tonight as we watched YouTube videos on new scary video games that are coming out. I am not much of a gamer, but since he is going to college for multimedia and graphic design, I do whatever I can to act as interested as I can. You will probably hear me say this one million times over too, but I cannot help it....I can't believe I have a college kid! My grandma would be so proud of the young man he has become. He believes in chastity until marriage (I know so many of you are probably reading this and saying, "yeah right", under your breath but it is the truth), he wants to have his life straightened out before he ever brings another person into his life, he loves his family, and he absolutely has a huge respect for his mother. I did a wonderful job on my tall guy (but to me he will always be my pumpkin seed).
I know there are those of you out there who, while you might think this blog is a great idea, could never imagine yourself so publicly talking about a serious medical condition and the baggage that comes with it. I know there are others out there- like my mother- who think I'm crazy (although you would never say so) and that the blog is just a terrible idea. If I wanted to create a record for my children or vent, keep a journal, some people would say. Illness is a very private and personal matter that one shouldn't even share with family members. I believe the complete opposite of this. I actually started this blog to keep my family and friends informed and updated about what's going on with my health.
So, then why did I create this blog if I could have just kept a journal or assigned the task of keeping friends and family updated to someone else?
Because for me to hide, is to let cancer win. Because for me to share, to share with candor with all of you, is a necessary part of the war I am waging.
Early on after my diagnosis, Kevin and I made an unconscious decision to always be forthright with our friends and family. We never referred to cancer as the "C-word", we called it what it was, cancer. Anytime we had to tell the news to someone new, we always said, "it's cancer." I am very blunt and upfront with people. I tell it like it is. That is just how I roll. Maybe that is just the Gemini in me. I have always been that way.
I have found that for me- and I emphasize for me- because everyone has his or her own coping mechanisms- to hide a bad thing (whether it be an illness or any other struggle) gives that thing bad power. By way of a popular cultural analogy, think Harry Potter and his refusal to call his nemesis by any other name than Lord Voldemort.
Sadly, cancer cannot be conquered so easily through individual choices. It is a much more insidious enemy. Nonetheless, the same principles apply.
Maybe I have too much faith in all of you to believe that you will not think poorly of me. I am a realist or a naive optimist. But my experience with cancer has shown me that people who think I should be quiet about my illness are wrong in that mindset. This is literally my therapy.
I realize I talk about death quite a bit on this blog, and I apologize if any of that offends you. The truth is, I am staring death in the eye, and I honestly have no idea how to deal with him other than write about him.
Once I became a mother, I feared death in a way I never had before. While riding in a car, I would often wonder what would happen if someone were to hit us and I would lose my children? I worried often about this possibility. I really worry about tornadoes. I cannot control them. I cannot ensure my children's safety and that scares me to death. Ironically, since Death sent cancer to threaten me, I no longer fear those things because I have felt the incredible compassion, support and love of family and friends and even complete strangers. I know that when I die from this cancer, Kevin will pull himself together, and he and our amazing network of support will step in to care for, guide, and teach our children. I know that even in death I will be watching over Kevin and all of our babies.
To be clear, just because I am talking about dying, doesn't mean I am waving the white flag. The truth is, that despite confident statements of "You'll beat this," from my army of supporters, no one knows whether I will beat this (but the odds are pretty high that I won't). Let's not delude ourselves. Contrary to the advice of some to not worry too much and look into the future, to take one day at a time, I find, as I have always found, that looking at the bigger picture helps me more. It is unrealistic to ask someone who is facing a terminal illness to not think about death. I have to look into the future and while doing so, I have to think about death.
Of course I want to live. God do I ever want to live! I need to take our kids on vacation in June! I cannot wait to be a part of more birthday's and holiday's. God only knows how much time I have left. But, I can promise you this, I am not wasting even one second of His precious time. I understand now in a very powerful way that there are no guarantees....just dreams, and of course hope.
So, death, as I battle for my life, hear me. When you come home, whether it be tomorrow or in 60 years, I will not be afraid. I will gladly go with you if it is my time, knowing that I have lived my life the way I wanted and that those I leave behind will carry on in the manner in which I would be so proud.
Love you all and truly mean it (and God loves you too),
Shanna xoxoxoxo
LUNGevity National Hope Summit: I'm participating in an event to raise money to fight lung cancer—and I need your help!
I'm planning to attend LUNGevity Foundation's National HOPE Summit in Washington, DC, in May - it's a special conference just for lung cancer survivors like me. If I can raise $1000 or more in donations, LUNGevity will cover my travel expenses, including US round-trip transportation and hotel accommodations.
Proceeds from this fundraiser will benefit LUNGevity Foundation, the leading private provider of research funding for lung cancer. LUNGevity Foundation is firmly committed to making an immediate impact on increasing quality of life and survivorship of people with lung cancer by accelerating research into early detection and more effective treatments, as well as providing community, support, and education for all those affected by the disease.
Please join me in my efforts to stop lung cancer—the leading cancer killer—now!
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
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