One Ambien Chased With Tea

   We made it yet another year! I hope you all had an amazing holiday season last year and that 2016 will be a year of many firsts, lots of love and happiness, and a cure for lung cancer (all cancers actually). I, for one, am going to stay positive and believe that I will be here to see 2017. 

   We had a great New Year's Eve! We spent it at home playing Clue and enjoying plenty of laughter and fun. At exactly 11:59 P.M., all three kids and my husband and I started the countdown to 2016. We toasted (the kids toasted Sparkling Grape Juice) and I sealed my New Year with a kiss from the greatest man God could have ever put in my corner. We don't have to go out to have fun, in fact, we rarely ever do. Our family is enough for us. Besides, who better to ring in the New Year with than four people you love more than anything in the world?

   This year is going to be the year my family succeeds. We have started our New Year by finding a brand new house (by brand new, I mean, it has never been lived in before). I get to say goodbye to a house filled with mold, electrical wiring issues, water leaks, and an abundance of other toxins that fill mine and my family's lungs daily. This has been a wonderful house full of amazing memories, but it is time to say goodbye. So, for the next month or so, we get to go through all of the crap we have acquired and decide what is important and what is not (especially since we are downsizing). Then, we are holding our very first yard sale. I know this new house, though much smaller in size, will be everything we need to succeed. Love grows best in little houses. :)

   Here I am, once again, writing to complete strangers about personal details of my life. What in the world am I doing? How did I get here? The words are just flying out of my fingers. Am I making any sense? Am I taking my audience down a path that actually leads to something? I will stop talking to myself when I feel like I have some sort of conclusion. 

   As I discuss my journey, vivid memories pop into my head. Some good...some disastrous...many dark, tragic. Lost in my auto-pilot rambling mode, I don't miss a beat while the recall slideshow takes place. I choose to share my story with the objective that something I say will click with someone. Perhaps I will find that needle in the haystack this time around.

   Exhausted from the day; nestled up to my husband and leg-room hogging dog, Callie, the mind begins to process. Of course it does...this is when I need sleep the most. The slideshow involuntarily replays, it is unstoppable. 

   The clips are nonsensical. Why is this happening? Me, surgeon, and nurses all in my room. "You have lung cancer." Quit talking. Please be quiet. It was supposed to be Wegener's. So, then, the first thing I do is send in a request to dissolve my student loans. I cannot have them be a burden on my husband when I die. I make sure I have a Living Will...now just to finish my Last Will and Testament. This cannot be my life. One Ambien chased with tea.

   I sleep hard. Evidence is left at one corner of my mouth. AM arrives and I stagger to get my caffeine fix (this morning it was two Frappuccino's).  Frappuccino in my hand, eyes widen, hint of a smile appears, Casting Crowns singing in my head...And I'm feeling good.

   I have never struggled with motivation before. It feels so foreign. I keep thinking I am tired and I need a nap. Nope. I'm pretty positive I need to get off my duff and go on a walk instead.

   This is not a particularly cheerful post. Truth is, I really am not all that cheerful. Grateful, happy...yes, but not exactly cheerful. I'm still learning how to walk my new normal life with my illness alongside of me. It is always going to be next to me. I'm seriously looking forward to it being a thought in my day instead of the only thought in my day.

   So, I am calling out my readers and challenging you to comment on my blog what motivates you. What drives you? I will feature your comments on my blog this week. Get involved! Talk back to me! This will be a new challenge I will be working on this year. I want to get to know my readers. 

   Love you all, mean it! Here is to a fabulous 2016! 

   xoxoxo Shanna

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