Cancer is Not Contagious...but My Spirit Is

   I completed my last round of Iron Infusions yesterday, which is why I did not blog. Yesterday's infusion made me really sick. I was throwing up all evening which believe me, was not pleasant. Kevin took me to the ER so that I could get some nausea medicine through the IV. They, of course, decided to do a chest ct, and once again, I have been diagnosed with Pneumonia (this is the fifth time since surgery I have had Pneumonia...bleh!). They handed me the radiologist report and the CD so that I could take them both to my doctors...and they pointed out that the mass that was originally .7 mm has now grown to 1.5 cm (that's in a little over a month). Also, I have one other tumor on my right lung that is 1.5 x 2.5 centimeters and four masses on my left lung measuring .8mm and smaller. So, besides all of the other lung issues I am dealing with, it seems as though my cancer is once again active. Fun times! 

   My dad and Ruth will be taking the kids, Kevin, and I to CTCA on January 26th. They had previously discussed doing targeted radiation therapy on my tumors. Hopefully, this is still in the books and my Pulmonary Oncologist at UTSW agrees with this treatment. I honestly do not know how my body could tolerate another major surgery. It is honestly taking forever for my body to heal from this one. My pain management doctor at CTCA also discussed doing a nerve block if I was still hurting when I came back. I think I am going to take him up on that. I hate being on pain medications and pain patches. The nerve block seems like a better idea. The kiddos are really excited to go back. They have so much fun because CTCA takes away the stress from what I am going through. They teach them how to cope, have fun arts and crafts classes, and they even have a pool table. It is the only place I go that allows children and I think it is very important to have them be a part of this whole process minus the stress.

   These last few days of my hubby's vacation have been really amazing. Oxygen has been replaying my favorite show, "Sex in the City", and my hubby watches every second with me. He doesn't complain...and that makes me love him more. We have enjoyed having family game nights with the kiddos and watching movies. Our time together is precious, and I believe we all realize just how precious time is now. 

   I have been thinking about the life I had pre-lung cancer and remembering all the fun things I used to partake in. Now, I ask myself, "What do you do for fun?" Nobody but me has asked me this question since I have been dealing with this "cancer phase" of my life. 

   My first internal thoughts were...What do I do for fun? Fun...fun...fun. But, I'm not having any fun. Do people think I have time for having fun? I want my old life back please. None of this is any fun. Having cancer sucks and having to wait to get rid of your cancer sucks even more.

   What I would say out-loud if ever asked this question is, "I don't really have the time or energy for fun. I spend all my limited energy on activities directly related to eating, walking, sleeping, spending time with my family, and healing."

   You get the idea. None of this is any fun in my head.

   But, then, today, I got to thinking about this odd question again. I thought to myself, I'm actually having some fun. I have fun laughing with my doctors and nurses when I tell them all the interesting things my body is doing. I enjoy my morning coffee with my hubby. I love listening to the kids laugh. I enjoy snuggling with my dog during naps or on nights that KB has to work. Not everything I do each day is horrible-horrible-horrible. I make a point to celebrate each week I am alive by either going somewhere with my mom, or just cooking dinner for my family (which has become increasingly difficult for me). I like social visits, though I don't get them very often. Come visit me...I promise I am not contagious. I like hearing what is going on in my friends lives.

   This point of my life is without a doubt the lowest point I've ever experienced. I still CHOOSE to have fun while I am alive. Life really is more enjoyable that way.

   Two big take away's for me this year are:

   1. An explanation of why some individuals get scarce after the cancer diagnosis. Often times I hear cancer patients and caretakers saying, "Some people stop coming around/calling/writing because they don't handle the situation very well." Sure that could be true for some people, but it could also be incorrect for others. I learned that some people simply did not want to be in the way. I guess that makes sense!

   2. People don't try to avoid talking about cancer to me. Many people figure if I want to talk about it, I will bring it up. They are not unwilling to talk about it, they just don't want to bring up a sore subject. It's similar to knowing someone hates their job or is going through a break-up...you don't constantly ask about it, right?

   These may be no-brainers for a clear mind, but for me, they were ah-ha moments! I'm excited to have many more of them in 2016! Love you all, mean it! Thank you all for making my blog something for me by reading them. Hang on...2016 is right around the corner and I am looking forward to writing my journey for all of you!

Shanna xoxo

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