I rarely make New Years Resolutions but I figured since I am dying and all, this year it would be important for me to figure out some goals and make them reality.
My New Years Resolutions are:
1. Quit Smoking (for good).
2. Exercise more.
3. Take the family to San Diego in June (just in time for my birthday).
4. Get closer to my aunts, uncles, and cousins.
5. Learn how to crotchet.
6. Be an advocate, a strong voice to support and help people with lung cancer and chronic illness.
7. Learn to love me for everything that I am.
8. Build a strong foundation for my husband and my children (they need to know they can make it together).
9. Find a church home.
10. Let go and Let God.
My biggest problem is my energy level. I have faith that my body will be back into an acceptable level of "shape". Faith- in my own drive. My desire to be satisfied with myself and my fitness ability. Hopefully, lagging only a short distance behind, will be liking what I see in the mirror and able to wear all the pants that are hanging up in my closet.
Tonight will make the second night in a row that I am able to cook dinner. A burst of energy is a treat. Using it to cook for my family feels really good. Feeling and acting like the person I want to be...the person I used to be. Satisfied with my ability to output.
Solid 4. That's how I rate the last few weeks. Slightly less than a solid okay. It felt like each time I took a turn, my road was blocked by some kind of barrier. After the 6th or 7th consecutive time, I lost it. Tears...inability to make decisions...chills. Plainly put- I was done.
I am still teetering the line between breakdown and breakthrough.
I want to scream, "Don't you know I'm done? I'm full! I've learned enough for now! Leave me alone!" From past experience, I knew it would do no good.
The next best thing is a vacation. Thankfully, I am headed to Tulsa on February 1st to return to CTCA. I know this does not seem like much of a vacation to anyone else, but it is our escape from here and we get to meet people who are going through the same experiences that I am. I for one, am looking forward to the travel back and the new perspective that comes with it.
Clusters of days have turned into weeks; I am still so uneasy about so much. I am a doubting woman as of late. I ask myself why and I come up with no answer.
I feel like I need constant reassurance.What I am doing is right, right? Not trusting people that should not be trusted is the right way to go, right? I know what the answers are. Why don't I trust myself? Why am I being the version of myself who allows someone else to pick the Cranium answer when I am fairly confident they are wrong? Ugh! Just like then! I am annoyed at myself. Why do I doubt myself? Why do I feel the need to make everyone like me?
I know I am supposed to look at this as a way to grow and gain a better understanding about myself. But, I'd really rather find a way to crumble it all up and toss it in the recycle bin! Move on and be my normal happy self! Whatever normal is left, that is.
The hardest part for me is acceptance. I get a little sad each time I ponder whether or not I will be around next year.
Dying is hard to accept. Knowing that your lungs are going to fail within two to three years frightens me. What if I am lying in bed and my husband is working when it happens? I could not bare the thought of my children finding me that way. Why do I always think of the worst possible scenario?
Truth is, I really don't feel like I am dying. But, there is no better time than now to address things that need addressing. Anything to relieve some of the burden from my husband and my children when I do die needs to happen while I can still make it happen.
I think I am going to start hosting a monthly meeting with women to address death and dying. And of course...pizza will be readily available. What do you do when you need help? You ask for it! So, that's what I am doing.
I'd be comfortable hosting a support group like setting in my home where other women who are afraid of dying too soon can feel free to talk about their fears over a slice of pizza and perhaps wine. Do those even go good together?
I think one of the most important questions I want answered is, "What will people remember the most about me?" If you are my personal friend...please feel free to comment on my blog and let me know what it is about me that you will miss the most. There I go with the reassurance thing again.
There is a distinction to be made between the medical definition and diagnosis of disease, and the lived experience of illness. There are days I have to tell myself that I, the mother of three amazing children and the wife to a fabulous husband, has lung cancer. I will not be in remission because my lungs are too scarred. I will eventually die from my disease. This is the medical reality, or unreality really, since in the moment it doesn't make much sense in my brain.
It is true...I was dealt a completely shit card. However, I do my best to maintain my strength and grace and humor in the face of physical adversity. I am candid and frank about all of my experiences with cancer and my lung disease, about the future, and about the outlook and prognosis. I, in all honesty, roll with the punches, and if nobody is swinging at the moment, I am going to enjoy life. Depression and anxiety are completely normal for anyone dealing with a chronic or terminal illness...but you cannot let it rule your life. You have to keep living. You are here to inspire others...you have a purpose. Never forget your purpose.
What would I change? Well, the answer is obvious, but I can't change that. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to make the best out of my situation and continue to bring a smile to people's faces. Because...that's what I was born to do. That's the girl God made.
Love you all, mean it,
Shanna xoxo
Please click on the above link and check out our Go Fund Me page. We are in dire need of donations to continue with treatment and travel expenses. Anything helps! God Bless You!
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