Taking Stock

   I spent the majority part of my day with my mom. It was nice to get out of the house especially after the night I had last night. I guess sometimes you just have to cry...I guess when you have cancer, those times come more often than not. 

   My oldest watched the kids while mom and I went to lunch together. We stopped off to see some of our friends before going to lunch. It is always nice when my mom's best friend comes to town. Then, mom and I had lunch and talked about anything, nothing, and everything all at once. I love spending quality time with her. As she drove me back home, she held my hand most of the way. We have a bond that I really cannot explain. She really is my rock.

   I think the thing that scares me the most is not being here for my family. Like I have said in previous posts, I have a ticking time-bomb living inside of me. One day, my luck is going to run out. And do you want to know what sucks the most? Being threatened with having your life taken away when you have three children and a husband all depending on you to live...this is the worst part of lung cancer.

   But guess what? I have to dust myself off, take stock of what I can still do, where I can still play an integral role, and dream what dreams I dare to still dream.

   For now, my cancer is well controlled. Right now I have time. I have time to plan my family's future and to get things in place to take care of them when I am gone.

   And did I mention that having cancer is expensive? Life takes unexpected turns. We have had to learn to adjust. We have had to make the best of what little we have. And despite it all, I still dare to dream big. 

   This is the only life I will get, even if it is indeed cut drastically short.

   While daddy is working tonight, my youngest two will be camping out in my room. Since my diagnosis, I have allowed them to sleep with me more now than I ever have before. I think I will go watch a scary movie with my oldest. I hate how fast he has grown. He has decided to go to college for video game design...and I could not be more proud.

   Spending time with my family is all I ever think about doing anymore. I used to stress over everything...and I mean everything. I think that living with lung cancer tends to change your focus. I no longer worry myself sick about things I cannot change. Life is just too short. I live life one day at a time because that is all we are ever really guaranteed. 

   I've had the opportunity that very few have. The opportunity for a second chance to make my life right. That is what I am doing now. I am living by faith and not by sight.

   Even if we don't have everything, we do have love. And God's love is powerful. Please don't forget everything He has given us this Christmas. It's not about Santa or material gifts...He gave His only Son so that we may have eternal life. That is the ultimate gift and sacrifice. 

Love you all...mean it,

Shanna xoxoxo

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