Today, I saw my Pulmonary Oncologist for the first time. Dr. Chiu is amazing. I had never seen my cat scans or had someone go over all of the findings until today. I have extremely weak lungs. Besides the multiple cancerous nodules found on both lungs, I have RB-ILD with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (only 15% of the population have this), and Pulmonary Emphysema (only 1% of people in my age group have Emphysema). My lungs cannot tolerate smoke of any kind nor can they tolerate any outside/inside toxins that may be present. Pulmonary Fibrosis can kill you between 2-3 years of diagnosis, but he said there are ways to prolong life through steroids and chemo. Everything I have is rare...but then again, what can you expect when you have someone as special as me?
Last night my best friends came to see me. A local biker group bought the kids some presents and gave us money for food for Christmas Dinner. I am blessed with the most amazing people. God is always looking over my family. I believe that one good friend is worth more than 500 acquaintances and I have two best friends that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. It was such a nice visit that apparently I needed to get me out of the depression I was in. Oh, and they bought the little two mini tablets (which they have not been off of all day) and my oldest a blu-tooth headset. Even through everything, I still have people that love me and want to help me. If I could, I would return the favor ten-fold.
Speaking of amazing people, we met a lady about two weeks ago who has been going to the ends of the earth and back to try and make this Christmas the most memorable Christmas the kids have ever experienced. She has a photographer coming over tomorrow night so that we can take family pictures in front of the mantle. We have not had family pictures since we lived in Ohio about five years ago. This is going to be a real treat for all of us. The kindness of others in my time of need has been amazing to say the least. God is all around my family. I feel Him now more than ever.
God puts us in situations where we have to depend solely on Him. Sometimes, that is extremely difficult to do because after-all, we are only human. Before I got sick, I took credit for everything that I did. I was responsible for everything and I didn't rely on God. I realize now that I should've relied on God more all of the time. God will see you through any situation so that you do not have to carry the burden alone. Now that I have lung cancer, God has put me in a situation where it would be absolutely IMPOSSIBLE without Him to get through it. That's how He works. When things go wrong in your life, you have to step back and all God to work in you. This means that you have to let go and let God. Give your burdens to Him. This is all part of his divine plan, a plan we won't fully understand until we are with Him in His Kingdom. Until then (no matter how hard it is), we have to keep our faith.
Since their daddy was working all weekend, I let Katie and Tristan sleep in my room. As we were lying in bed the other night, Katie started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't want me to leave her. I just held her and allowed her to cry. I explained to her that I am here right now and that is all that matters. They are all having to grow up way too quickly. I know they all worry so much about what is going to happen to me...to them...to their daddy. I just have to keep reassuring them that I am here if they ever need to talk or vent. I believe in being completely honest with them.
This new normal can be sad, but at the same time, I know not to waste any time. It's too important. I love my children more than life itself. I never want to hurt them...ever. And, I know that if I pass away, that will devastate them...and I won't be here to pick up the pieces. But, again, I am here breathing breath right now at this very moment...and that is all that matters.
We are all dying to live...not living to die.
Four months ago, I was down...doubting so much. I don't doubt anymore. God has a plan for all of us. His plan was to give me the gift of time. I promised him that I would praise Him and not take credit for where I am today. And, I have done just that...given all the glory to God. He has been my rock and has not forsaken me. Whatever the future holds, cancer or no cancer, He is always with me.
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. My faith in the power of our Lord is still strong, even with the news today. None of us are alone. We are all in this together with Him.
John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid"
Love you all...mean it,
Shanna
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