Today has been rough. I am in a funk...a depression...something that I have been fighting off since I was diagnosed. The tears have flowed more than they have since my diagnosis. I guess Celexa decided to let me feel for once. I am having to rely on the kindness of others to help with Christmas for the kids this year. That kills my spirit because I cannot work and my husband does not make enough to carry us all. I hate having to ever ask for help. Luckily, I didn't have to ask for it, it was offered. But, it doesn't stop me from feeling like less of a person.
I never pictured my life this way. I never thought I would be dying from cancer at 35 years old...and I really cannot wrap my head around any of it. I've never had anemia before until I got cancer. I have never experienced the pain I experience now. And, I have never felt like my life is all for nothing. Today, I feel everything. Every emotion is magnified. I cannot stop the tears. I want to run away for a day and clear my head. To be honest, I am so very terrified of everything I am eventually going to have to face.
There are some people in this world that enjoy being sick. I wonder how anyone could ever want to be sick. I even know some people who go to numerous different doctors hoping they will be able to find something wrong with them...and they get disappointed when they don't. I hate being sick. It is not gratifying to me to see a million different doctors...and I certainly didn't wish for my doctor to tell me I have lung cancer. I have so many different things wrong with me...and all of them are rare. Well, of course they are rare, I am Shanna after-all.
I've been starting to think a lot about the process of dying and I don't really know why it comes to mind other than maybe this is just the time that it should.
I suppose nobody has the opportunity to go back and do it twice. My mind keeps flooding me with memories of the past...and I guess that is normal when you are sick. These memories always happen when I am sleeping. The most memories I can remember seeing after I wake up are the ones that include my beautiful grandmother, my mother, and my brother. I keep seeing them all in my dreams...and I don't know if this is a sign of anything other than dreams. I am so aware of everything anymore...and it is absolutely maddening.
I don't know what to think of the combination of these fluid and solid examples that are being presented to me.
This really has me wondering if my brain is starting to form its final reorganization. Or am I just going mad? Or is this the actual reason people do go mad?
I have to get my Social Security by next month or I won't get to go to CTCA, and though it is a long distance, it is our one chance to get away for a few days (even if it is for my cancer). They plan on starting targeted radiation therapy when I go back, but if I don't get my SSDI by next month, there is no way I will be able to go (remember, my car got repossessed?). And, I have tried the whole Go Fund Me thing, but it just doesn't work. I have seen people raise thousands of dollars for silly things like a vacation, but it just doesn't work for me. And I actually need it for travel expenses, treatments, and medicine. So please pray that my Social Security actually comes in so that our finances can be taken care of.
Just the thought of money depresses me. I hate money but money makes the world go 'round'. It doesn't change the fact that I believe money is evil. We are losing everything slowly even though my husband works his ass off for us. I would give just about anything to be healthy again so I could return to work.
There are still so many things on this Earth I want to experience and see. I am bound and determined to get on that airplane in June with my family and go back to San Diego so my youngest two can experience the beauty that my oldest and I did. One way or another, I am going to make this dream come true.
Part of me needs to accept that I am not going to get the help I need. I think it's so difficult because I've always been able to work hard to get what I needed to take care of my family and myself. But those rules no longer apply- and that screws with one of my most basic value systems. I keep coming back to "I must still have something to offer someone..."
I am going to continue to focus on things that bring me intrinsic happiness. Being with my kids all of the time, getting to cuddle with my husband on his nights off, hanging out with my mom...writing in my blog and of course teaching all bring me intrinsic happiness. Depression is only temporary...I have to believe that.
Love you all...mean it,
Shanna xoxoxo
gofundme.com/hope4shanna
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