Tonight, my hubby made us dinner while I rested. It was so yummy! Then we went over to my moms to get my ham that Bill cooked off for us, and a cake that my mom made at my request for the family. She was lucky to have a father who was a baker. And I am lucky to have her as my mom (she spoils me).
When we returned home, we had family game night and played Monopoly. We didn't get to finish it, however; we had to put the little two to bed and I still had this blog to write.
I have not kept up with my writing as much as I would like to. I guess, I sometimes have trouble trying to figure out what it is I want to say. This blog is a huge priority in my life because I want to help others who are experiencing similar situations as I through my words...therefore, I will vow to write more often. Even if my blog is short, I still want my readers to know that I am still here. You are what keeps me going. If I have not thanked you all for reading my blogs, I would like to do so now. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my words. I doubt I will ever be able to convey to you how much it means to me.
I was not much in the Christmas Spirit this year which is odd for me because Christmas is my favorite time of year. I think I am was so focused and concerned that this may have been my last Christmas, that I allowed my heart to be guarded. I am not quite sure that makes much sense, but, it is all that I can think of to explain it.
Lately, I have found myself to be angry at everything my body is putting me through (yes, I am back at the anger stage). An angry woman is...Unattractive? Empowered? Humorless? Why is that when a woman (and anyone really) expresses anger or other negative emotions, (and is anger always made negative- can it not be made positive?) therapy and/or drugs are automatically suggested? ALL feelings are valid, and I think my anger motivates me to action. How can the stigma or the status quo be challenged unless we act, and demand answers?
So, what is wrong with this desire/motivation to act and challenge? I have always been one to learn and find out as much as I can when I am diagnosed with something I don't understand (believe me, none of what I am going through, do I understand). I know from my conversations with other cancer patients (in my online support group- see I AM doing therapy) that being angry or depressed or bitter or whatever is valid and okay. This societal pressure of "think positive" or quash the negative is so oppressive! Why are some people uncomfortable with anger? Why do they think that people who experience anger cannot also experience happiness or humor, and need counseling? Do they suggest counseling to make the angry person feel better, or themselves? Probably the latter. I pity people who think life should be nothing but positive emotions. We are humans...we don't work like that! Didn't someone once say, "If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention."?
Sometimes I think the phrase "shit happens" was coined because of cancer- it suits it so well. Maybe it should be the new cancer motto. Nothing else so accurately sums up the way cancer strikes at random, despite anyone's best defensive efforts, or any stray desire to have it not happen to others. Those with cancer in their family need to be prepared that it will likely happen to them, but that does not mean those with little or no cancer incidence in their family get a free pass.
I am not necessarily against all platitudes, just the ones that don't make any sense or have no basis in fact. Just because I am a realist does not mean I did not do everything in my power to eliminate my cancer, and it does not mean I expect any less of others while they "battle" their own cancer (yes, I dislike the fight and battle metaphors, but I'll go with the flow for now). If anyone wants me to cheer them on while they do it, I am 110% with you on that. I can and will restrain pointing out the unpleasant facts in person if you wish- I'm not like The Big Bang Theory's Sheldon Cooper, incapable of stopping himself from always pointing out the check engine light to Penny. That is what this blog is for- to say yes there is some extreme horribleness in cancer, and maybe the only way to beat it is to confront it, expose it for what it is, then move forward.
Just don't ask me to spew out any banalities either, it isn't going to happen!
Meanwhile, please send up a prayer for those affected in the Rowlett tornadoes last night. I will post on my blog as soon as I know how you can help these victims.
Love you all...mean it,
Shanna
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