Yesterday, Kevin, mom, and I went shopping for the rest of the kiddos gifts. I went four hours without my oxygen (don't tell my doctor), but when I got home, I was so out of breath that I fell asleep. It exhausts me to not be able to breathe. But, this is how life is for me now, so, I might as well get used to it.
For what feels like an excessive amount of time, I've been feeling under the weather. I really believe that it is depression, but I have trouble admitting that. I am trying to stay away from my illness as much as I can...even talking to someone about it saddens me. My aunt attended our Christmas Dinner at moms tonight and she brought the kids home. She stayed to visit for a little bit and began sobbing because I have a terminal illness. I know that this is hard on my family and friends, but I am doing everything I can to live as long as I can. So, with each day that I get to wake up and take a breath, I praise God because I am simply alive.
I'm the kind of girl who likes to know where I stand at all times. I'm often most uncomfortable when I don't know what I think or feel on a particular topic or subject. Lately, I've been stuck in who-knows land.
My mind feels scattered. Sorting thoughts. Resorting thoughts. Distracting myself with teaching and the "typical Shanna go-to" cleaning and organizing.
The depression has worsened. The leaves blow a little slower now. The sadness sinks in as I lay down to go to sleep. I feel alone in my thoughts. Even my thoughts are depressing. Though I am trying so hard to accept this new life that I have been handed, it has been quite difficult for me. Damn. Damn. Damn.
Cancer...I'm mad at you! You create madness! You create grief! You hurt innocent people! And you took away my ability to breathe, my ability to work...you took it all away. You are quite simply an unwelcomed visitor who is trespassing...and I am sick of you!
Lately I've been thinking about me. Selfish, I know. I often take a look at myself and try to refine bits and pieces to make the perfect me. At this moment in time, I feel very undefined.
I'm trying to find my place in this world. I want to advocate for lung cancer awareness but I don't even know where to begin.
At times I get incredibly sad about my situation- easy to do when you have terminal lung disease/cancer. I'm sad that the probability is high that this disease is going to kill me. I'm equally as sad that the likelihood of me dying sooner (within the next four years) rather than later is great.
During times of sadness, I often think about my children, my mother, and my sweet husband. I feel as though I am letting them all down by being terminally ill. I am not holding up my contract to die of old age with my husband, or to see my children grow up.
I am sorry. I am so very sorry. I never meant to put any of you through this. I truly feel sorry for the situation we are all in. I think, had I known what was to come of my future, I should have married someone I didn't like. I could have tortured them instead.
I know that I've not done anything. I also know that my family doesn't blame me that I have cancer- to them, I will never be a failure. Why is it that I have this need to say, "I'm sorry"? I'm sure I could read about this response of mine in a psychology book. It can't be too far from what others experience. Or is it?
Anyway, sorry this blog was a little depressing. I am also missing my grandma tremendously this Christmas. She was all about tradition and love. I wish she was still here. She would be there to just listen to me talk...and lend her shoulder as a cushion for my tears.
I hope you all had a truly blessed and wonderful Christmas!
Love you all...mean it,
Shanna
gofundme.com/hope4shanna (please if you can donate, we need your help to get me back to Cancer Treatment Centers of America so I can begin radiation therapy...thank you in advance for your kindness!)
facebook.com/hope4shanna (go like our page and help us reach our goal of 500 likes before the New Year)
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