For Better or Worse

   Today I hurt worse than I have in a while. I woke up at 5:30 this morning gasping for air. I could not go back to sleep so I got up and had coffee with my gorgeous husband on our back porch. We sat in awe as we watched the sun rise over the horizon. Then, I finished Damion's laundry and prepared the study for class.

   I taught all day today. Once I had finished teaching the little two, I began teaching the oldest two. Today was their first day in my class as seniors. They are only a few credits away from graduation. All four of the kids seemed to really enjoy class today. I kept going despite the terrible pain I felt in my chest (at one point, I even called my mom and cried about it).

   Mom and Bill took me out to dinner tonight. It is always so nice to get out and spend time with my mom. We had a great time. And now, I can finally relax after the long and painful day. 

   Here is something I did not know about lung cancer that I found out today...and it absolutely terrifies me! Did you know that all lung cancer patients will eventually get brain mets?? Well, that's nice to know. Not! I just found this out today. Not that this has anything to do with my day, just figured I would throw that in here.

   For the past week I have been sliding down the sheer face of a cliff, desperately grabbing for something to slow my plummet. It's been the most unsettling and most painful time I have experienced since my diagnosis. 

   Every problem feels magnified. There are no small issues. I have missed my period for two months now...and no I am not pregnant. This is huge because I have always been on time. Nearly every decision I make is life-changing or life-threatening. I am trying to pick through them, teasing out just one at a time so I can try to deal with something. So I can try to unravel a mess of a life.

   Besides the love of my children and my mother...my husband has really been able to get me through this week.

   Sometimes it's easy to to determine which of the pair holds the bigger bag of IQ points. Others aren't so transparent; you only know which way the scale tips after befriending the couple. 

   But what I've realized is that in my relationship with Kevin, I don't know who is smarter. And neither does he.

   Of course, I think Kevin is many other things "more" than I am. He's nicer than I. He's more thoughtful than I. He's funnier than I. These qualities stand out because I admire, am humbled by, and rely upon them.

   Sometimes we take on certain roles, though not always in the same vein. Who would've thought that I would've been the tougher parent? And who would ever guess that he was better at kissing boo-boos than me? But it all evens out...every single time.

   I am a complete, balanced, and better person with Kevin. He challenges me when I'm feeling sharp then comforts me when I am having a foggy day. He will affectionately elbow me to play around or hold me when I feel so sick.

   For better or worse- and those days seem endless right now- I can be myself. He will love and respect me just for that. 

   Some people say that Kevin seems like the perfect man. I only know he is perfect for me.

Love You All...Mean It,

Shanna xoxoxo

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