Time to Figure Out How to Deal With Waking up With Cancer

   I wake up in the mornings and the first thing I think of is "I have cancer". I used to wake up in the mornings and just stretch...and have not a worry in the world. Not anymore. 

  The panic bowls over me like a 50-foot wave. Especially when the kids are still sleeping and I wake up with Kevin still at work. I honestly don't know how to react to my cancer and it takes everything I have to not try and think about it. Maybe I will go back to counseling. Maybe I need to find other things to try and take my mind off of it. Or, maybe it would just be helpful to have answers. 

   Some days I actually feel like I am dying...and I guess that is why I think of cancer so much. Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel...like I have been tied to a whipping post. Anemia plus cancer fatigue...plus having bacterial pneumonia...and then literally falling asleep while I am sitting up...yeah...those days I feel like I am dying.

   But, I have amazing days, too. I wake up with so much energy, I am able to forget about my cancer until late afternoon. I can do laundry, do household chores, teach the kids, and sometimes even cook on these days. These days are few and far between anymore.

   Accepting that this is the new quality of life has been quite difficult for me. Though it is increasingly challenging, I have to find the strength to keep going, and I have to learn how to cope with Lung Cancer. I kind of suck at it.

   I get so many messages in my inbox letting me know what an inspiration I am, and those messages are what keeps me going. I strive to be a woman of inspiration and hope...but little does everyone know, this woman who keeps preaching hang on to hope, gets more and more terrified every day that I live with Lung Cancer and do not receive treatments because I keep getting infections.

   Coffee does try and take unsuccessful whacks at my cancer fatigue (though it doesn't work so well, I will still try it every single day), and though I get rather depressed at how tired I am, I still look up to God and thank Him for the gift of life one more day.

   Beyond science lays faith...'God', 'prayers', and every conceivable well abounds on Facebook...and this is what truly gets me by. 

   One of the biggest things that brings me hope is the fact that there are lung cancer survivors and new research being developed everyday. 

   I want for my children to ripen before I die. To grow...and to be successful adults are all I want for them. I think sometimes I focus on my death a little too much. I want to create new memories for as long as I can.

   The priorities I have always held important, are still just as important as they always were. Now, all I have to do is quit waking up to the dreaded "c" word hanging over my head. So, I guess that is something I will have to pray about. I know He will help me get through this hurdle. Patience Shanna....Patience....God helps when you least expect it. He is always listening.