I usually have to stay home because I am oxygen dependent and my oxygen tanks only last about 4 hours a piece. I confess to alternating between feelings of frustration, boredom, and dismay during my convalescence. So, I get extremely EXCITED when mom gets me out of the house...even if it is for just a ride around town and lunch.
The beginning of November is the time I typically put my tree up. I love Christmas. It is my favorite time of year. I have not one single decoration out yet. I am so frustrated that I can't move around much, particularly around this time of the year, one of my favorite times of year.
And then there is the undeniable fact that I am and have to be so dependent on others for almost everything now. This might be the hardest thing of all.
So my mom bought me some books and an adult coloring book to help with the boredom. And of course, I have teaching the kids....and that really takes away from the boredom. But, there are days when I am simply too tired and weak to teach them and that makes me feel like a failure, although I know I am not. I know that it is my cancer and not me.
That leaves boredom (which really is just a matter of choosing occupations that I can do with limited mobility) and my inability to do things for myself. My love for cooking has even been put on hold...and my sweet sweet husband has been cooking for us even on the days he has to work. I am so thankful for him. Not being able to do things for myself may be frustrating, but I am grateful I have so many people willing to help me out. This is the most humbling part for me, and therefore the area in which I have the most potential to grow. Those times in my life when I have required the most help from others in my life (like now), are undoubtedly when I am most aware of the concept of gratitude.
I really do believe that most people are good (I get that from my grandma), and likely to do the right thing. When I have been poor, or afraid, or hurting, there has always been someone there to aid me. In some instances, many people. Of all kindnesses, it is often the kindness of strangers that is most gratifying. I think that is because it is almost the penultimate good. Most of us are there for our friends and family, but when you reach out to those who have no claim on you other than their current need; you are really doing something for the right reason. In fact, that is often the answer someone who has performed a heroic deed gives in response to the question, "Why did you do it?" "Because it was the right thing to do." There it is.
And so once again, amidst my frustration, I am in a state of grace, if indeed that is what being graceful is. In the past couple of weeks I have been the beneficiary of so much kindness, caring, skill and time on the part of friends, family, and people who were prior to my cancer, strangers. It is a bit overwhelming and there is an aspect of humility to it that is not always easy for me; that no matter how independent I would like to be, I am part of society. To give is empowering. To get is, well, a reminder of your interdependence. And that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Whether or not I actually believe in magic and superstition (mostly it is prayers that get me through), I have faith in all three beliefs. I am almost childlike in some ways. The comfort of ritual (prayer for me) brings me comfort and solace. But more than that, the possibility that all evidence to the contrary, there just might be a miraculous solution to a seemingly hopeless situation. Call it hope it you will.
When I was diagnosed with lung cancer I was well aware that my survival was a long shot. Once I learned that my cancer was in both of my lungs, it would have been very easy for me to lose hope. I have too many people in my life that refuse to allow me to lose hope. This is where my imagination has been useful. Since childhood, I have enjoyed fairy tales and fantasy novels and films. At times I picture myself as a character in one of these sagas. A character faced with insurmountable obstacles who will nonetheless prevail.
It is fantasy, this dabbling in magical serene thoughts. But as it involves positive imagery, because it is comforting, I will continue to believe. If not in magic, than in the power of hope and faith in God and of a strong will to live. And the very real possibility that this attitude manifests in a stronger immune system. It's a heady mix; faith, science, medicine, and a belief in otherworldly sources of power. Yet it is possible for these different approaches to be complimentary as well. It works for me.
Since it is lung cancer awareness month I will leave you with this. It is time to make people understand that lung cancer is not just a problem for smokers, it is everyone's problem. We need to get the word out about the necessity for more effective screening and for a greater number of treatments that actually work. More time, more focus,more money needs to be channeled into lung cancer research and less to smoking cessation because frankly, that's a no-brainer.
It is no coincidence that greater progress has been made against the diseases that receive more attention and far better funding, breast cancer for instance. Let's all do what we can do to bring lung cancer to the forefront. There are simply too many of us with this disease to remain invisible.
gofundme.com/hope4shanna
https://www.booster.com/kickinglungcancersassforshanna
https://www.facebook.com/hope4shanna
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/shannabrock2/journal
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