At Least it's not in my Breast

   I received a letter today from CTCA that said my Ultrasound on my right breast came back negative for any cancer masses. Whew! That is definitely a relief considering had they found cancer in my breast, it would have been the primary site as lung cancer does not typically spread to the breasts. I find that odd since the breasts are so close to the lungs, but again, cancer is a mystery. 

   I typically consider myself an extremely strong person. I can handle pretty much anything that's thrown my way. But, whenever I talk to my mom about my cancer and she starts crying with me, I become weak. I absolutely hate what cancer does to families. I hate that we all have our own feelings about what is going on and that they are different. She is going through her plethora of emotions the same way my sweet children and my loving husband are, and then I am just simply in shock.

   Being diagnosed at the age of 35 with lung cancer felt every bit as random as being struck by lightening. I found myself wishing ridiculous things, such as, "why couldn't it be breast cancer instead?": not only did breast cancer have far better five year survival rates (100% at stage I, and 20% at even stage IV), but it had sisterhood, massive fundraising and pink ribbons. Instead, I had an overall 15% five year survival rate, the "did you smoke?" question from just about everyone, and an invisible ribbon as a symbol of my disease. 

   I was no stranger to challenges in my life, but why had this one come my way? It all seemed terribly unfair. 

   I had a lot to learn. Life isn't fair; not to me or anyone else either. I had to go to a very dark place to finally understand that (and I am still somewhat in that dark place), and to become in an odd way, at peace. It was okay; not as in everything was going to be alright, but rather, it was what it was. I quickly got tired of asking why and moved onto what. What do we do now?

   I have been down this road before but never quite this serious. I had two brain tumors back in 2009. One was found on my pituitary gland and the other on my pineal gland. I was blessed by God that these just went away on their own. My mom was so relieved and so was I. I have lived with diseases most of my life, so sometimes, it is hard for people to believe that one person could possibly be this sick all of the time. Trust me, it is hard for me to fathom as well.

   I have what is called Spina Bifida Closed which basically means I have scar tissue covering where a bone is missing. I was born with this. I have Chronic Kidney Disease, some sort of autoimmune disorder which I will worry about later, an extra spleen (so if anyone needs a spleen, I have one ready for you), Emphysema, and now Lung Cancer. And I have never let anyone of them get me down because my God will always protect me no matter what.

   Depression is my biggest monster right now (besides the cancer) but I believe this too shall pass.

   One of my biggest fears is not being able to breathe. I have dreams about not being able to catch my breath all of the time.

   Living on the edge of your own existence brings a wonderful clarity, but there is little room for comfort. I suppose this is what life must be like for those who have chosen to pursue risky adventures. I am thinking of things such as parasailing or mountain climbing. Exhilarating and terrifying; death defying.

   When you are facing your own mortality, you are constantly in defiance of death. I realize that sounds awfully dramatic. Trust me, it is dramatic. There are days that you feel that you don't have the courage to take another step, but then you consider the alternative. So, today I will perform another death defying act; I will go about my usual chores. As I do so, I will be constantly aware of my lung cancer and just how difficult it is for me to breathe. But, I will try not to let this awareness to detract from the beauty of my daily routines, routines made more beautiful by their dearness. When you are on the edge, everything becomes special somehow; loaded with meaning. Today, I am alive. Every little thing I do today is proof of that. And so, I celebrate the ordinary. I will not let the fear of tomorrow get in the way of today. 

   I love you all. Mean it! God Bless all of you and hold you tightly in His loving arms.

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