"Sometimes it's a close friend or an understanding coworker or a caring minister. Sometimes it's someone right in your own family who really knows how to listen. That's the person who's there for you when you feel you just can't cope."
"When you're able to speak candidly and honestly about your problems, solutions come to the surface. First, hearing yourself speak helps you clarify the issue. Your own words serve to soothe some of the emotions and diffuse the confusion often surrounding difficult circumstances. Second, opening yourself to someone else's perspective may result in suggestions you hadn't thought of, or point you to resources you were unaware existed."
"Third, you'll discover that you're not alone. Many people don't reveal their inmost hurts until they realize that someone else is going through the same or a similar situation they have faced. They can help you in real and practical ways, because they've been there They can lead you to love, to laughter, and to hope for the future, because they've come through it. And so will you."This particular passage really hit home to me. I have read it ten times now, not including while I was typing it to share with all of you. My family has been so supportive, and even though none of them have gone through lung cancer, they have all been through their own hardships. They refuse to allow to let me lose hope. It is the one thing that I have to cling on to in order to survive this monster. Hope...believe me it is such a powerful word.
The definition of hope is: "a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen." My feeling of expectation is a strong desire to win my fight against lung cancer and to somehow find a way to get more funding for research so that those of us fighting lung cancer, have much better odds. We deserve to live long fulfilling lives; smokers or not.
Hope is found in the innermost parts of our hearts. Hope is there when we are afraid that we can no longer go on. Hope is that phone call from our loved ones or that simple text message that simply says "I love you and you can do this." Hope is something I have struggled with since I became diagnosed. Remember, the biopsy was to confirm an autoimmune disease, not lung cancer. I was literally left breathless. And when I was told it was lung cancer, the doctor told me when none of my family was present. So, my nurse had to hear me cry for an hour....and at that very moment, I learned something about hope.
My cardio-thoracic surgeon was afraid to do the biopsy because the nodule...well now it is a tumor, was so small. She did the Thoracotomy because she had to be able to feel inside my right lung. She was unsure she would even be able to feel my nodule in the first place. Not only was she able to feel it, she was able to remove it. It had grown to half a centimeter in just three weeks. She also felt a ton of glass opacities in my right lung which is indicative of lung cancer. Had it not have been for her, had she decided against the biopsy, this cancer could've destroyed my entire body before it was ever discovered. There was my hope...I had a doctor that was truly amazing enough to find my cancer before it spread to my brain. And though they feel like it has metastasized into my liver or spine, I still have hope.
When I was initially diagnosed, I was frightened, angry, and depressed all at the same time. I didn't even try to fight those feelings. They, in fact, felt like a totally justified response to the set of circumstances I was now facing.
Justified or not, once I got all that sadness and rage out of my system, it was time to move on. My dark mood evolved into dark humor, as I once again felt the necessity of laughter. I am on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, and sleep aids. And then I found out that I had it in both lungs...so there goes all the sadness again.
You see, I really want to do whatever I have to do to promote my survival. I take my medicine, I do my best to eat well, I try to keep moving, and I pay a lot of attention to what is going on in my head.
I really need to be at the top of my game so as not to let that paralyzing fear get the best of me. Having my head in a good place is going to make a big difference when it comes time to weather the storm. I have to have hope.
I've spent a fair amount of time since my diagnosis trying to get all of my ducks in a row. I even have an end of life plan already wrote down on paper. I know that sounds morbid, but I think everyone should be prepared...and no, that doesn't mean that I have lost hope. When I first found out that I had lung cancer, I was overwhelmed by the thought of all the things I had intended to do in my lifetime that might now go undone. Being a parent had really taken precedence and though I had no regrets, I suddenly felt a sense of urgency regarding my creative pursuits (hence, is why I am writing again). I want to remain as happy as I can be.
I believe an examination of what constitutes happiness is both important and long overdue. The Declaration of Independence referred to "the pursuit of Happiness" as an inalienable right. Somewhere along the line, many of us have forgotten how elemental simple happiness really can be, and that is not a commodity that can be purchased by those with means and denied to those without.
Happiness is a state of mind and although it can certainly be influenced by outside events, it is never determined by them. Each of us can choose to be happy, no matter what. Really, I of all people, know this to be true. Sometimes I fall off the happiness wagon, but I keep climbing back on.
And today I am extra happy in the knowledge that there is a place on Earth where Happiness has a capital H and is a national priority.
By definition, I have a terminal illness, but it is counterbalanced by determined optimism. It is virtually impossible for me to remain depressed for too long, I would imagine this is true for a number of reasons. To begin with, I am so in love with this world and view each new day that I am given as an adventure. I much prefer happiness to sadness, and make my choices accordingly. Depression requires focus on one's troubles, and I am quickly bored and easily distracted. And let's not forget the Xanax!
Not long after my diagnosis, I suddenly understood the answer to an age old riddle. What, exactly, is the meaning of life? Suddenly it was so obvious. It was simply...life. From that moment on, I was determined that I would never again take this wondrous thing, this precious yet fleeting gift, for granted. Here's to life. Live it every single day. Because to live is everything.
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