Savor Life

   What a perfect Sunday! It rained today...it has not significantly rained here since June. The rain made for an even nicer Lazy Sunday. Kevin, the kids and I, spent most of the day laying around watching TV and playing games. I say most of the day because Kevin wanted to get the house perfectly cleaned before my surgery as a gift to me. He and my little two did a wonderful job pampering mommy today. My oldest is dog-sitting for my mom, so he is enjoying his own peace and quiet. 
   One more day of freedom. I have been seeing my grandmother in my dreams every night for the past four nights. In every dream, she smiles at me and then kisses me on the cheek. I believe she is letting me know that everything is going to be just fine. When we sleep, our minds are open and clear. I believe this is when our loved ones that we have lost come to visit us. This is not the first time I had seen my grandmother...but it is the first time I have had her visit me more than one night at a time. I know she will be in that operating room with me, looking out for me, and giving me lots of kisses the entire time I will be in surgery. If the heart is armored against pain and loss and fear, the bad stuff can't get in but neither can the good. Usually what happens is the heart goes numb.
   What causes us to choose numbness? Not being able to cope, surely- pain is probably the big one, pride is in there, self-image, fear, anger, collapse of a belief system, loss, shock, grief, stress, depression. I suppose any or many of them are called into our lives when we get a diagnosis of a terminal illness. It's an easy choice to go numb. The giant problem with choosing numbness, however; is that you are going to miss out on the life you have left. It also keeps people from asking for help, and, for me, this was the most important time in my life to ask for help; I do believe that my mom, my husband, my kids, my step-dad, and my circle of friends saved my life. But no-one would have known had I kept it all a secret. No-one would've given me their love if I'd been stoic. No-one could have helped me if I hadn't asked. And on Tuesday, I am going to need more help than I have ever needed in my life...from the day of surgery, all the way until I am healed (which will not be for 6-12 weeks). I hate having to rely on so many people, but I am grateful that these people are so willing to help me out without complaining.
   I can see that it might be easier in one way to not feel, but oh my, what you give up. Life. Life is bubbling and moving and juicy. It is the reverse of numb. I don't feel like I have the time to go numb. I have three children who love me unconditionally, and that love alone, keeps me from going numb. I really want to enjoy what life I have left. I want to write my name in the sand on a beach. I want to take my family to San Diego in June. I want to have a picnic on a sunny day complete with a blanket and picnic basket with my little family, and just lye on the grass and watch the clouds float by. 
   I believe that the opposite of a numbed heart is a softened heart because a softened heart meets the world with vulnerability, with acceptance, with feeling, with love, and a little courage, too. I have a softened heart. I will never allow this illness or anything else leave me numb. 
   Do what you want. Savor the life you have left. I do, in my own way. The challenge- the stress- of this diagnosis, the surgery...has made me braver. It has made me stronger in my faith and my spiritual life. This illness has made me look at the world with new eyes. I feel more connected to the people I love. I appreciate everything I have right now. It's always a choice. Life is so precious- and I know it more than ever right now- that wasting a moment doesn't ever seem like a choice for me. I still have to remind myself to stay on track: "I still have this day", "I am grateful that I am getting to see another fall", "I realize how many people love me". 
   These aren't lies and they aren't affirmations. This is my story as I want to experience it. Sometimes, it is simply to get through the day with some grace, sometimes it is just to relieve the sadness. Live this day; turn your head to the sun and leave the darkness behind you. My own story, my own point of view; not being all guarded and brave, but truly free. For however and wherever and for however long it is going to be, this is my true story of beauty, happiness, joy, love; the way I want it to be told. The way I hold it in my heart- not death nor illness, but sweet life. 
   Thank you God for one more day. Thank you God for all of the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Thank you God for being my promise and my hope. And thank you God for fighting this battle for me.