Love, Gratitude, and Surgery

  

  Well, tomorrow is the big day, and as you can probably imagine, today has been a very high anxiety day. I was a bad bad girl and broke down and smoked two cigarettes. I felt like I needed the relief...especially when my surgeon called and wanted to reschedule my surgery to Friday. Kevin fought hard to get them to go ahead and do the surgery tomorrow because we have rearranged our whole lives around this...the kids, family, work, my mom and step-dad took off work...I mean our whole lives were rearranged for tomorrow. He won...and instead of rescheduling surgery, they are doing it in a different hospital. Tomorrow...breathe Shanna...just breathe. 
   Frank Herbert said it best, "Fear is the mind killer." It is natural to fear that what we do not know...it is natural to fear the unknown. Fear can cause us to do some crazy things (like smoke the day before lung surgery). Fear can make you angry. Being fearful is often seen as a sign of weakness in our culture, and being angry often is seen as being powerful or courageous, so sometimes I think we go to anger by default. 
   Yesterday, I was fine. Yesterday, I kept telling Kevin I was no longer afraid because I knew everything was going to be just fine. This morning, however; was a different story. Fear has controlled my every thought...and yes, today, I got angry. I am terrified of the results, terrified of the pain, terrified of the "what if something goes wrong"...I am terrified of every single aspect of this surgery. I do not enjoy being afraid. It is taking away from my positive thinking and I need to think positively...especially now.
   So here are some things I need to remember right now:

• I can live without needing to know the ending.
• I can live without needing to know the future.
• I can exist in the here and now, this moment...in my present life.
• I can let my story unfold rather than being in control of my outcome.
• I can love the minute I am in right now.
• I can live without a map of the future and still walk the road without losing my direction.

   Even in the midst of all of this, there is always a place where gratitude can lodge. I have to keep reminding myself to be grateful every single day. I am. I am so grateful and so blessed. Which is why I am so afraid of this surgery...but I cannot allow the fear to break my faith. God is bigger than ALL of this! 

   Gratitude seems to nurture, feed and care for your inner being. There is also unforeseen gratitude. These are the things that stand in opposition to you, those hard things that end up giving you something unexpected- understanding, courage, self awareness. Sometimes your challenges are what bring you to your greatest achievements.

   This too shall pass. I will overcome this because God already promised me this. I can not go into this with a negative attitude, but I can have some fear...because some fear is normal. I will be just fine. I can do this. I have so much to live for...especially three amazing children whose smiles are going to get me through this. 

   I will blog again as soon as I can get to an actual room and out of SICU. I cannot let my readers down. I want to thank you all for your love and prayers. I want to thank you all for your kindness and generosity...and all of your support. You really do not know how much it means to my family and me. 

   I love you all...and I promise to not keep you waiting long.