When we allow fear and knowledge to immobilize us, somewhere along the way, we stop living and are merely just alive. This impending surgery is immobilizing me in so many ways. Remember when I told you that I am an optimistic pessimist? Well...I am attempting to look at this in a positive light, but then the pessimistic side comes out, and I think of all the bad things that could possibly happen. Could I maybe just be optimistic...ya know just this once? Can someone please come snap me out of all of this negativity?
I learned from my therapist that there five stages of grieving....and I have no idea what stage I am in right now. Denial is one of the steps of grieving. I am living with a terminal illness- that is, what is wrong with me, medically, is expected to kill me. I cannot accept this fate. I am a mother to three children who need me just as much as I need them. I cannot believe that I am going to die from this illness. I mean, we all die...but I do not think it is fair or right for someone to tell you that you will eventually die from this illness. Seriously...doctors are amazing, but they are not God. So, yes...I am in denial.
I am going through depression right now. There are days when my symptoms are worse and I can't do something that I had wanted to do or planned to do that I will get sad. I'll cry. I will curl up in a ball in bed and be a big baby. I don't let my depression turn into clinical depression.Life is too short for that. On a really bad day, I may look at my children, my mom, and my husband and wonder what will happen to them if I died. Because that is not supposed to happen.
I honestly don't believe that anger and depression are that different. In fact, it is said that depression is nothing more than anger turned inward. For the most part, I get angry. Man do I ever get angry! I get angry every time I cannot do something that I want to do. I get angry when I sit up in bed and think that I am perfectly fine...but then my heart rate goes up, I start running a fever and vomiting, and then I realize...that I am indeed not fine. I get so angry that I just want to scream.
I have not done the bargaining thing. I don't believe I need to bargain with God for anything. God is going to cure me...bottom line. So why bother bargaining with Him when I have complete faith in Him?
There is, behind everything in my life now, a sense of urgency, a passionate desire to achieve things in life that before I was lackadaisical about before. There is a better understanding of how short life really is.
I am still working through all the stages. I still don't think I am at acceptance yet. I doubt I will ever be at the acceptance stage because I will never say it is okay to die. Until then, I am sort of happy to be in denial, if that's what this is.
So, do I know how serious all of this actually is? Yes...I am aware of just how bad it is. Trust me, when I read the stats, the numbers, the figures, the life expectancy, the prognosis, the everything...it can be immobilizing. So am I in denial? No, not at all.
I am simply living on faith. Praying for a miracle. Letting God handle it..and trying NOT to be immobilized by the fear of this surgery, by the facts, by the numbers, by the figures. I believe it WILL happen. I believe I WILL be healed.
And if that's denial, then I will take it.
One day at a time...one breath at a time...one dream at a time.
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