Brain Fog

We cannot afford to beat ourselves up for woulda', shoulda', coulda' moments. The past is the past. It's  different than now. Everything that happened is no one's fault, especially your own. But we can make changes based on what happened before so that it becomes better in the future. 

I let my daughter listen to a song today by Martina McBride called "I'm Going to Love You Through It". She just burst out in tears. The song is about a woman who gets cancer (breast cancer) and is 38, married, with three kids, This song basically encapsulates every emotion I feel on a daily basis. Thank God I have someone to love me through it every step of the way. Actually, as a matter of fact, I have four people who are going to love me through it,

Today was Vetersan's Day. And yes, though you definitely should thank a vet, I kinda despise this day when I know I shouldn't. I lost my best friend, my confidant, the one man who I knew would tell me "I will go to the end of the earth and back for you...and actually mean it; My smart, amazing, class-act, hero, and one of a kind father....my cousin Michael Dean Dahl. Today, I just can't put my thoughts together. Today, I also found out (12 years ago), that I was having a boy. They never got to meet and I think Tristan has so many of his amazing qualities. 

Nonetheless; Happy Veteran's Day to all that served our great country. You made this country beautiful. I am sorry that so many people are ruining that by sending messages of hate and dishonor. My family is safe because of all that you have done, and I am truly grateful for that,

Maybe Vets and cancer patients are alike. Here is the irony from that comment: If cancer patients were participating in warfare, we would be decorated in our valor, celebrated, and maybe even highly compensenated. And we can't even get our parking comped.

And yet, here I am. Alive! It is a wonderous thing, and something most people take for granted.

I would do almost anything to survive. There was that one part in the middle where I almost gave up. And sometimes, even now, I sometimes want to give up.

I was admitted into the hospital yesterday for shortness of breath after radiation. Then I began having seizures. They counted 110, to be exact. My mets are still growing, which are causing the seizures. My story cannot be finished here. But sometimes it feels that way.

One of my biggest fears is going to MRI's every six months. I have now had almost fifteen and I still cannot get used to the loud, feeling trapped, clankiness of the machine. I get Cat Scans on my brain every two weeks and so far there has been no good news come of it.

My brain METS and the chemotherapy has made me forget quite a bit. I do go through angry outbursts as well as emotional ones. I really don't know who I am anymore.So to all of those I forgot to wish a happy birthday to this year, I apologize sincercely for not recognizing your big day.

God, my husband is really going to have to watch me. I may end up catching a plane to no-where and then he would have to come find me. Good thing i am broke!

So even if I miss the boat entirely, I know i'll still get there. I just wont remember how,

November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month, wear pearl or change your profile picture to show your support for those of us lost to this disease and those still struggling with this disease.

Also, we have started the fundraising campaign again because aggressive radiation is not cheap nor is our travel expenses. The link to donate is gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness 

 

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna