Blubbery Tears

God always gives us a way when there is no way. Today, we were blessed with enough money to feed our children and catch up on some bills. This takes an enormous amount of stress off of not only me, but my husband as well. And now, he can officially adopt my daughter. This is the moment they have been waiting for for fifteen years now. Happiness is surrounding my family which is great because all that has been in the wake of my illnesses has been sadness.

It's back to the grind tomorrow. School starts again, but I have to take my Suburban back in to get fixed. This will be the fourth time it has been in the shop since I bought it.This is their last chance to fix it. The manager said if they do not fix it all tomorrow, I can either get another car off of their lot, or get my money back. I am just praying it gets fixed. After all, it is my "Beast".

I'd like to tell you about my biggest hero from the bible. Her name is Ruth.

So who was Ruth?

The book of Ruth is very short but it’s a beautiful book of the Bible that I encourage you to read. Naomi was a widow and in fact not too much is written about her, but what is gives a huge impression of God and his awesome forgiving love and how he turns pain and misfortune into the greatest blessing.

In short, thanks to Ruth’s (Naomi’s daughter in law) love of Naomi, they looked after each other and through Naomi’s distant family connections and wise and loving counsel, Ruth, having been widowed and childless, married a wonderful man called Boaz and had a son.

It could be a perhaps unremarkable story but for the fact the son of this marriage would go on to be a distant relation of Jesus himself.

Ruth was a poor widow, she was also a Moabite, someone not recognized by the Israelites; again God surprises us by not doing things the way we expect (or want). Using people from ‘humanly’ low backgrounds, sinners, the poor, a woman, perhaps not seen as of value to anyone… and creating something wonderful out of their story.

Jesus was expected to come as a strong king, not a weak vulnerable baby, which is why his own people eventually killed him. He wasn’t the warrior savior that they expected.

What I like most about Naomi and Ruth’s story is that the ultimate blessing (the birth of the Messiah) isn’t seen by them as they lived out their lives. They had no idea how their family line would continue, like all of us. Yet they trusted God nonetheless and were thankful for all they had.

Life was far from easy yet even in their bleakest times they stayed true to (perhaps clung to) their faith. Despite her inner strength and kind heart Naomi still expressed despair, grief and unhappiness following the loss of her husband and children, and the desperate situation she found herself in. I like that she is so relatable and real.

My children may not do what I expect all the time, but I trust that God has their lives in His hands and that our stories are just tiny, beautifully created links in His chain.

I also liked in this story, when Ruth’s son was born, the people celebrated that Naomi had a son too. Ruth’s blessing had blessed her life again, a double rainbow of hope, as she sees her beloved daughter-in-law settle into a loving marriage and is able to see new hope and God’s grace. Just like my rainbows have brought joy to not just me and my husband but our family and friends too.

But then isn't that what God wants? He has helped me with my two losses (my twins) and gave them back to me in the form of Kaitlyn and Tristan and he has helped me with these losses with hope upon hope. A double rainbow.

And that’s by any means a romantic Christian dream that everything will be OK. That God’s will be done and all that. This is a much more realistic kind of spiritual acceptance. I feel that, no matter what, it will be OK.

With my grief, I have had to find a way, through my faith, to accept the ugly side of life. I may well face pain with my husband and my three precious children. Life doesn’t feel secure in that sense. So I’ve tried to find a way that I can live with this and still walk with Christ.

No matter what happens, we are loved and I will try not to doubt that. Even though I know the life journey ahead will not be a smooth road, having that deep trust in God will be essential to my journey on this side of heaven.

For some reason, at the beginning of last week, I realized I needed to do something really special for Kevin. I needed to remind him jut how much I love and need him. So off I went, booking a little romantic weekend escape and he has no idea when it will happen. I will just pack our bags one day while he is at work and say, "No talking. Just get in the car," I don't know, I will probably let him shower first, since his job requires him to be out in the sun all day long.

I now have had terminal cancer for over 11 months and since ditching the ‘live in the moment’ and ‘make every moment count’ attitude, we have been able to live a relatively normal life and life does indeed go on. There is not a day where I forget about cancer and all the emotions that come with it, but I am able to keep on going and get on with it. I have a routine that does not leave time to dwell and cry.

And on top of that, my overriding way of coping is to accept my terminal prognosis and my friends and family are very used to me talking (often joking) about death. This in no way means that I have given up or am at a point of acceptance where I am immune to the emotions, but I do stay strong and often don’t allow myself those moments of blubbery tears.

So, my task is to allow more time to reflect and let the blubbery tears out, and to find a money tree so we can plan our next adventure.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

September is Pulmonary Fibrosis Awareness month. Going blue for pulmonary fibrosis awareness month. For $10, I will dye both of my kids hair blue, for $20, I will dye two of my friends hair blue plus my kids. 

For $15.00,you can order blue icing topped cupcakes (a dozen) and I'll dye my kids hair blue.
You will receive a bracelet, notepad, and a pulmonary fibrosis pen just for donating.
Let's go blue for pulmonary fibrosis month and raise money for more research so that one day, there may be a cure! Just click on the link to make your donation http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/shanna-brock/GPFAM2016.

Here is the link to our Go Fund Me Page to help with medical and travel expenses: gofund.me/hope4shanna2016

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness 

 

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna