Pain is a topic I am embarrassed about. Sad right?
Well...there is a stigma related to chronic pain and taking pain medication. These are the same medications that people abuse and are addicted to. These are the ones that people would possibly want to break into my house and steal (they are hidden in a safe place, so don't even bother...and remember I am a black-belt and will do bodily harm to anyone that even tries). Also, if you steal pain medication from a cancer/pulmonary fibrosis patient, then you have hit a new low. I have had pain medication stolen from me in the past, which also may explain why I worry about talking about them.
I shouldn't be embarrassed and it is a real issue that has to be faced when you have metastases in places that cause pain (like both lungs).
I have been in so much pain the past two days and have avoided the dreaded Emergency Room. My oxygen has been low and my heart rate has been high. My oxy (oh yes, the one that is the addict drug) has not even touched the pain in my chest. So, unfortunately, my husband is going to have to take me again just so I can have some relief.
Just when you think everything is hunky dory (that's my mom's famous phrase), you land yourself in a hospital bed. For me, it seems like it is every week. So...tears. Gnashing of teeth. Pillows thrown against walls, and more tears. That is how I felt last night, and I feel no different today.
Fuck you cancer. Fuck you pulmonary fibrosis. And yes, I am a big girl...I am allowed to cuss.
Sometimes I feel like I am in the deep end of a pool, looking up at the colorful bodies swimming above me and wondering if or when I should go up for air. This past week I feel like the water is getting deeper and I am sinking further down, gasping for air and not knowing if I can get back to the top as I sink into the darker water.
When you have depression and anxiety as a normal part of your personality, grabbing high stress events and stacking them on top of each other seems to be the test of how much you can handle before you break. And they just keep on stacking up. I hold my head up as high as I can, but I am tired.
I hate dealing with social security. I didn't get approved for SSDI because I was six working hours short of getting approved. So, now I have to deal with shitty SSI. Now, I have to fight for my long term disability. They are having to "reevaluate" my situation. There is nothing to reevaluate. I cannot work. I do not even like admitting to myself that at the age of 35, I can no longer work. It is embarrassing to me. I have always worked hard for everything that I have. Two steps forward. Ten steps back.
I love trying to have the energy to be as involved as I can in lung cancer awareness, but my energy is melting away. And I am angry...and anger is tiresome. I don't have the energy to be angry.
I am tired of pain. I hurt everywhere. I don't understand why I hurt. I am tired of feeling like a pill popper when I am in pain, but I cannot stand this PAIN. And I have a high tolerance for pain, believe me. I walked 2 hours after my c-section with my last baby and they called me superwoman. I walked not long after my thoracotomy. This pain is ridiculous. It is a weird and embarrassing reality that I live in. I have many different medications that help me live my life to the fullest, but I feel weird that I need them to live a normal life.
I am trying to pull myself out of the water and Kevin has been trying to, too. But, I keep sinking. I am not giving up. Please do not read this in a way that makes you think that. Maybe I just need to find some Minion arm floaties.
I have eventually learned that maybe I am just being hormonal (poor Kevin).
Cancer and IPF are hard on relationships, but it also teaches you to be better about not sweating the small stuff (when you aren't in the middle of some hormonal RAGE). I have learned in the struggles over the past 8 1/2 months that cancer and IPF has been in our lives, that I married the most amazing guy in the universe for me. We will be celebrating fifteen years of marriage in November, and though we have had our ups and downs, I have loved ever second of us being together.
My diseases tend to get in the way of us spending any constructive time together. We do watch Investigation Discovery every night and cuddle, but most of my days are spent napping and trying to get enough oxygen.
Our trip to San Antonio will hopefully prove to help our relationship out. I have plans to show him the Riverwalk at night while my oldest watches our youngest two. Just the two of us. A date. A real date. Something we have not done since before my surgery.
Wisdo- Throughout life people overcome challenges such as becoming a parent, building a home, being diagnosed with an illness, divorce, relocation, parenthood by adoption, retirement and hundreds more. These life challenges often leave people lost, seeking wisdom, and support.
Wisdo helps communities overcome these challenges by creating step by step maps with corresponding wisdom, contributed by community guides under the calling of "being the guide they wish they'd had."
Technically, that is the blurb that sums it up really great. But, by now, you all know how I roll, right? That is way too tied together for me. I want you all to understand Wisdo from my end. Wisdo was the insight I needed when I did not know I needed it. That was clear to me 100%. I was sick of being lost on pages. I needed direction. I remember when I was first diagnosed and searching all over finding info, reading up on lung cancer that was not even mine. I was completely overwhelmed by this. I just wanted people who have been there to help me and guide me through this shit show. And do you know, I have yet to find anyone under the age of 75 with pulmonary fibrosis?
Wisdo is taking our insight- you and me and placing it on a timeline so when myself or anyone else for that matter needs the information, they get it at that moment....not before, when they cannot process it. Sounds brilliant, because it is! You need people that have walked in your shoes before, and so does your family.
I can sit here and type about how cancer effects me both physically and emotionally all day long. I can tell you how badly it stresses out Kevin, the kids, my mom, my family, and my friends. It has literally changed my kids. But I can not explain in detail what they feel. Every family feels cancer, that is just a fact...but kids feel it more. My kids just do not know how to deal with all the emotions they are feeling, and you know what....that is okay.
So, I leave you with this...find a little joy in every moment. Find joy in all of the simple pleasures of life. And make sure you kiss your kids every single day.
Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxo
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
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