Cancer Does Not Make for a Better Person

Last night, I went to the Emergency room only to find out that I had a Transient Ischemic Attack which is a mini stroke. My heart-rate was through the roof and my blood pressure was way too low. They gave me anticoagulants to prevent blood clots and pain medication. Then, because I have the worst insurance in the history of the world, they sent me home.
I am having difficulty speaking out of the right side of my mouth and there was minimal brain damage done to my frontal lobe. 

This morning they called to let me know that my liver panel came back and I needed a PET scan ASAP to make sure the cancer has not spread to my liver. Both lungs are covered in nodules, one on the right side measures 5 centimeters. I am so sick of being sick. The IPF is spreading rapidly (quicker than they thought), which means my social security needs to hurry so I can get in to see better doctors that can slow the progression (hopefully).

Saturday was one of the most fulfilling days I have had in such a long time. I wish I could hit the rewind button. Damion bought he and the kids a Slip and Slide. I watched them play for three hours. Damion would slide all the way out of the pool. It was absolutely hilarious, and I wish that I would have videotaped it. The kids had more fun than I have seen them have in such a long time. Kevin and I were ecstatic to see the joy on their faces as they slid across the slide and kept slipping, while they tried to get back up.

This is my birthday week. I will be a whopping 36 years old (though my body feels like it's 100). I am trying to figure out what I want for my birthday. I am such a simple girl. I am good with pajama's or slippers. I think that is what I ask for every year. I do, however; miss my Princess perfume by Vera Wang. Maybe I will ask for that and a new blender (and of course the pajama's and slippers). 

I haven't been sleeping as well as I should. My stomach has been cramping and I have been extremely nauseous lately. I hate having to complain to Kevin about how sick I am, but when I have no-one to complain to, I cry more and the pain becomes worse. The nausea is really kicking my ass. I have never experienced anything like it before. And, I am not even on chemo.

There are times when I can go a whole day without eating because eating just makes it worse. My doctor told me to eat more bran (like bran flakes), which of course I have tried, but my stomach just cramps more. 

I never anticipate when I might have an episode. Oddly, it seems to catch me by surprise each time. In fact, I often try to deny the episodes when they start! But, they tend to actually take my breath away. It isn't until that first nasty cramp or some time has passed that I am willing to actually admit to myself that the cancer just might actually be spreading. 

I often have so much on my mind that sleep just doesn't come easy for me. Last night, upon arriving home from the hospital was one of those nights. Knowing that I have had two small strokes scares me to death. It puts me at a greater risk for having a bigger stroke. It is so important to me to learn about what my medical future holds, what kinds of decisions I will be faced with, and the feelings I might have. Every time they ask me if I have a DNR in place, I tell them no. At first, I did not think this was a route I wanted to take. But, do I really want my family to see me suffering? There are so many medical decisions I am faced with, and I do not know what to do.

I want to be here when my daughter and son graduate. I want to see my oldest graduate college. I hope to be there, of course, I do- but big events are part of life. There will always be one in the future, and there will be a time when I will no longer be there, as happens to us all. At this point, I'm satisfied with the day I'm in. 

Our regular days can bring plenty of joy if we look for it. A bird nesting outside on your eve, a rainstorm, a dog chasing its tail. The big event bring true joy, but the little things make life happy. I've had plenty of both. 

The truth is, cancer does not make for a better person, it makes one become deeper into who they already are. If they are self-centered, they will become more so; now they just have an excuse. We shouldn't allow them to justify it though.

We can feel all alone and frightened by this disease (I know I do). Sometimes our own families shut us out because they simply cannot deal with the disease. No matter the stage of our disease, we all want nothing more than our suffering to mean something. We want our lives to have purpose. When we have the energy, desire, ability, and chance to help- being rejected may be the most painful slap one can experience. 

What seemed to be endless at the beginning turned out to be actually endless.

I have learned how to live with incurable illnesses; with the fear, the pain, being sick, losing parts of my life bit by bit. I've learned that all that really matters is the people in your life, and I have learned that most people are incredibly kind.

Still, there are many who cannot see past themselves. They are too needy to help or hear you. Some brush off what you say. Some tell you what to do or not to do as if it is some sort of talisman that will protect them from your fate. Many will not extend the type of kindness to you that you need or ask for; and they are unable to understand the hard place you are in, they can only see themselves. They can't understand the difficulty in learning to face your own death- your obliteration- or that you are living with real suffering beyond what they might know. What feels like a lack of caring and dismissal hurts more than it would if you were healthy and not experiencing your impending death, because you know there is no time for change or understanding. It feels hopeless, and so rather than try to explain or continue on, we must let go for our own mental health. One wants to imagine that somebody will wake up and understand- even after you have died. Their own viewpoint is the only one they can see. Many people go through life that way, with blinders on, not only unable to see you, but unable to see anybody.

But, this makes the ones who do try to understand, who are generous and humble and kind, who try to learn, so much more special. And if you are reading this, you fall into that category, and I am grateful for you.

When I first started this blog, I had no idea that death would be my outcome. But, I decided to keep blogging. So, now I write from the point-of-view of somebody who will not survive cancer or IPF. And many people can accept that, and some - well they cannot.

My life has become harder and full of pain. I don't want this blog to be a litany of complaints, but I also want it to be true. 

Remember, what we stage 4 metsters want most is understanding, so if you know one of us, the kindest thing you can do is just listen.

Love you all and truly mean it and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shannaOfficial blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness