I expect I will be getting a PET scan ordered pretty soon to make sure the cancer hasn't spread to my bones which has been a fear of Dr. Fitzgerald's since I met him because I have so much pain. It is almost time for me to be scheduled for another one of those anyway...fun times.
I've had a tendency to be quasi-nocturnal. That is, once daybreak hits, and the birds chirp, I can finally sleep.
It seems that when my body is left to its own devices, I require less drool-time.
And in my new world, sleep is more precious than ever. Some days, when it comes easily, I long to bottle it and savor it for nights when I can not sleep at all.
My biggest complaint, is that I feel like I'm trying to breathe underwater. This means that I feel phlegm/fluid gurgling in my airways, and the more I recline, the more I cough. It is different from post nasal drip in that it comes from a place below my voice box and sometimes further down in my chest. The fix is to sit up completely or prop myself up in the corner of the sofa and wait to pass out.
My secondary complaint is anxiety and restlessness caused by shallow breathing or general breathlessness. I have medication to curb this, although I know if I take it too late, I won't be able to function properly in the mornings or whenever I 'come to'. I am not a fan of just knocking myself out like that, but when I'm desperate, I do- as prescribed of course.
And all of this is why, when asked about my sleep schedule, I answer "whenever and as often as possible!" Kevin may tease me about my 4 hour midday naps, but he also knows that might be the best sleep I've had in the past (or the next) 24 hours.
I really, honestly don't feel like myself. I feel really beat down.
I feel like I am coming down with an upper respiratory infection or something (so between my compromised immune system and the additional affect and impact on my breathing, I am feeling pretty crummy.)
Most of my symptoms are run-of-the-mill. My muscles are tired, and I am moderately achy in my back, neck, and joints. I have a mild headache but nothing near the pain of a migraine.
If that was it...I would say I have flu-like symptoms minus the fever. But there's something else. I feel...wrong.
I take a plethora of medication in the morning and in the evening. So, it's easy to see why I feel so crappy. At least with the symptoms I can define. And as far as the less tangible feeling of 'wrong'? Maybe it's just a result of a mild poisoning from all the meds.
My plan is to stay in my bed, try to sleep as much as possible, and avoid the world for a few days. I need to do whatever I have to do to stay out of the hospital and stay feeling great for the three loves of my life.
________________________________________________________
April 19, 2016
I saw my home health nurse today and my blood pressure was way too low. I was also running a low grade fever. I could not teach the kiddos today because I was feeling pretty sick...and of course that makes me feel like a failure. I also saw my physical therapist today who did an assessment. I cried when I talked about everything I was going through. She said that was completely normal. I told her I wanted to get back to some semblance of normalcy and was ready and willing to do anything she wanted me to do. She said I was strong and a fighter. I no longer felt like a failure at all.
My cancer is progressing and I know I need to deal with that. That means either chemotherapy or radiation or both. But, since I have chosen to be so honest with all of you, I am scared to death to move forward. My pulmonary fibrosis might get in the way of treatment and that means I will die sooner than later. I sure hope these doctors know what they are doing.
I spend a lot of time indoors (at home) and I am probably sleeping (if I am not teaching) 10-12 hours a day in various segments. I try to listen to my body and not feel guilty if I need to rest all day (cancer drains the life out of you). It is a hard mindset to change because we naturally associate sloth with laziness.
I try to keep my stress to a minimum. I can think about being sick, but I try not to obsess over it. It upsets me that my counts are off, but I'm not shedding tears.
Nope, I just want to relax and enjoy my family. Cancer will be around to worry about on less sunny days.
My last day of work was August 28, 2014. I knew I would be back to work. I knew this would just be temporary. Per my company's policy, an employee is terminated after being out on disability for six months.
It was a formality, really. I didn't do anything wrong, and they knew how hard I worked for them. They just had to let me go. I'm too sick to work, and it's unlikely that I will ever be able to return to my accounts payable glory job anyway.
Long ago, I came to terms with the fact that the business world has moved on without me; everyone's replaceable. Still, there's some sort of finality in knowing that I am a "terminated" employee.
When I was first diagnosed, no-one knew the extent of my disease. I thought I had Wegener's, would start treatments, and be able to return to work. But, no. I had an open lung thoracotomy with a partial lung resection and it turned out to be lung cancer and Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis.
I had just dipped my toe into the cancer pool.
A week or two passed and I started to hear about the extent of my illness. Stage IV because it is in both lungs...but we wait and see about treatment because the nodules are still small.
Now, my cancer is getting bigger and spreading....and they have to do another biopsy (this time by VATS), and hope they can come up with a way to treat the cancer without disturbing the IPF.
I am chest-deep in the cancer pool (pun intended).
No, this certainly isn't where I thought I would be. 35 and disabled, now treading water in the deep end of the pool.
Truth is...
I'm struggling with building reserves. My body craves to be restored. Forcing myself to take the time I need is a battle. I'm semi-successful managing the bare minimum. "Why is this happening?"
My body is beat up. I show it and I feel it. What's wrong Shanna? Attempting to soften my eyes of steel, I grin softly as I calmly remind myself that I have advanced lung cancer and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis, this is what it looks like on me, right here, right now.
I think it's about time I got my hair cut again. The poof has gotten poofier and the pink all came out. I am considering to let it grow out but as soon as I do, they will put me on chemo *sigh*. I feel like a walking, talking, mostly hair growing, science experiment.
Teddy Roosevelt once said, "do what you can, with what you have, where you are."
I am home. I have a pillow and a blankie. I think I shall nap.
Love you all and truly mean it....and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016
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