Breathless

Today has been a rough day for me. I woke up coughing more than I ever have. I even coughed up a little blood. I was too hoarse to teach, so I had to take the loss and rest today. Which really sucks because today is mine and Kevin's church wedding anniversary. Happy Anniversary baby. Wish I could do more for you today. 

Now please don't think I'm miserable. Most days aren't this horrible. I'm just too uncomfortable-either painful or tired- to be out of bed for a long extended period of time. So, I stay in bed, try to keep on top of the pain, and sleep when I can.

Unfortunately, I haven't had enough energy to keep up with most things- like teaching, blogging, staying on top of my forums, seeing my friends, and even emailing and texting others...nevermind cooking. I'm just very drained, mentally and physically. 

I feel bad about all those things I am missing. It makes me seem lazy, selfish, and thoughtless. I know the people who love me know that is not who I am. And if you've met me through reading this blog, I'd like it very much if you just take my word!

I think when my cancer begins to improve (I pray that happens) and better pain management, I will start feeling like myself again. Until then, I will just have to fight through the best I can and enjoy life as much as I can. My goal by sharing this with all of you right now is that you may understand that I am struggling right now. Please don't take it personally if I appear rude or thoughtless. Or even if my writing doesn't live up to previous posts. I'm sure I will start feeling like me sometime soon.

Decreased lung capacity/efficiency make some things difficult for lung cancer patients. Some people find that they can't run a marathon anymore. Others find themselves attached to an oxygen concentrator 24/7 like me. But I assume, there are a lot of people who are in between these two extremes.

Last October, I reached the point where my lack of mobility upset me each time I left the house. I could browse small stores; but a medium size store was challenging, and a mall was out of the question. I finally acquiesced to Kevin's suggestion that we purchase a lightweight wheelchair.

I don't use my wheelchair all the time. I prefer trying to walk when I can. But, lately, I have noticed I need it more than ever. When I went shopping with mom, I should have brought it with me. I was out of breath, my knees hurt, and my chest was killing me. I just hate the stares I get. I already get stared at enough carrying around the oxygen.

I had so much on my mind last night that I didn't sleep very much.

Around 12:30, I read two thought-provoking articles regarding end-of-life issues. It's important to me about what my medical future holds, what kinds of decisions I will be faced with, and the feelings I might have.

Author's note: This is the time during a post when I usually pause. I try to comfort everyone; I tell you not to worry, that I'm still fighting and keeping my hopes up. I'm just so worried about upsetting you, those I care for, too much. I don't want to drive you away with gloomy thoughts or associate reading my blog with being sad. However, I realize that for this blog to work for me, I need to try and apologize less and write more. Here we go...

I had a small epiphany last night. There are just a few things I am going to need so that, when the time comes, I can die peacefully. And of those things, there is one that will be very difficult to get.

Somehow- and I have no clue how- I need my mom to come to terms with my illness.

I have told her the truth since the beginning. But she has convinced herself that they will find a cure. It's her coping mechanism. She cannot possibly accept the fact that her youngest child is dying. And I completely and totally get that. But at some point, she must learn to accept the situation and somehow find the strength to cope.

I can't do this by myself. And I feel like I have no help.

My mom only has one close friend and then there is my brother and myself...and of course her husband. And she lives in the same town as me, but her brothers and sisters are all so spread apart.

The thing that scares me the most is that my mom won't have the support that she needs when I die. And she's going to need support. I've always been her rock since my brother lives so far away, but there's just no way I can be struggling to breathe and comforting her at the same time. When my time comes, I need to know that she'll be okay. Again, that's where I will need help.

I guess this is somewhat a plea for help. If you know my mom, please call my mom or send her a note often. She's not a social butterfly by any means, but she really needs you.

I just need to know she's going to be okay long after I'm gone. Only then can I truly be at peace.

________________________________________________________

I think in most partnerships, there is one person who is smarter than the other. 

I don't mean the person with the most redeeming qualities; hopefully most relationships are relatively balanced in that respect. But if you challenged each other with a combination of traditional knowledge and "street smart" tasks, who would fare better?

Sometimes it's easy to determine which of pair holds the bigger bag of IQ points. Others aren't so transparent; you only know which way the scale tips after befriending the couple.

But what I've realized in my relationship with Kevin, I don't know who is smarter. And neither does he.

Of course, I think Kevin is many other things "more" than I am. He's nicer than I. He's more thoughtful than I. He's funnier than I (especially when he does his Cuban voice). These qualities stand out because I admire, am humbled by, and rely upon them.

Sometimes we take on certain roles, though not always in the same vein. Who would have thought that I would have been the one to negotiate the price when we bought a new vehicle? And who would guess that he is the better one at giving the dog a bath when she needs one or getting down on the floor and playing with her? But it all evens out, every time.

I am a complete, balanced, and better person with Kevin. He challenges me when I'm feeling sharp then comforts me when I'm having a foggy day. He will affectionately elbow me to play around or hold me when I feel so sick.

He will play with the kids when mama simply can't and he will invite them in the room with us to watch a movie when I cannot lift my head off the pillow.

For better or worse- and those days seem endless right now- I can be myself. He will love and respect me just for that. 

Some people say that Kevin is the perfect man. I only know he is perfect for me.

Happy Anniversary. I love you with all of my heart and soul. You complete me.

Love you all and truly mean it.....and God loves you too,

Shanna xoxo

Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna

Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness

My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016