When I was seventeen and a single mother, I took lamaze classes, read lots of books, and watched many hours of birthing videos (thanks to TLC). I learned and prepared myself for what was about to be the biggest thing to happen to me.
When I was nineteen and a single mother, I listened to everything the doctor had told me to do. I was in pre-term labor from twenty weeks on. I was on bed rest. My doctor even had a bet with me that if I lasted 37 weeks, he would buy me pizza. I won and we had a pizza party in my room. My daughter was born with cerebral palsy and to this day, I am still learning more and more about her.
And when we got pregnant with Tristan, there wasn't much we had to learn..he was the healthiest of the three babies. He was born on time. Maybe born just a little too late. All three of my babies were c-sccions. All three of them changed my life for the better.
When I was diagnosed with lung cancer, I dove into the research and tried to learn everything I could about this disease.
The same is true about IPF.
Eventually, I took a deep breath and started reading.
Both are terminal.
Lung cancer carries an eighth month median survival while IPF carries a three year median survival.
Gulp. Well now I know. Now I will learn all I can.
This knowledge changed me as a person. I know it has. It seems to be a lot of what I think about anymore. It makes me realize how differently I view things now. Life changes when you no longer assume you have an endless string of tomorrows. It's not that I mind talking about all this cancer stuff, it just seems to shake people up a lot and then I feel bad that I have upset them. No one likes my answer when I say my prognosis isn't good. I remain as optimistic as I can, but honestly, my situation has radically impacted my thinking, Sometimes I feel like I am in some alternate reality, where future plans are forever unstable and all that really matters is this present time.
And, then I think, this may be how life really works.
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Statistics are Stupid!
First, let me clarify. I absolutely hate numbers and have always found them to be quite useless. My husband, on the other hand, loves numbers and finds them to be beautiful. I think research, however, is fascinating and the whole scientific process is just neet-o.
But when it comes to the medical world, talking to a patient about statistics and probability is kind of stupid. There is a 30% likelihood of this outcome; a 2%of this; and a 73% chance of that. From a patient's perspective, it is a simple binary; either it works or it doesn't. The person who loses a child when there was only a 3% chance of that happening doesn't feel any better. When there is a 99% chance of a positive outcome, it still sucks really bad for people in that 1%.
For anyone who has lost a loved one in a bizarre accident, I'm sure that they don't feel any better knowing that massive tornadoes, school shootings, and plane crashes are actually quite rare. It has happened to them and it sucked.
Sorry for the rant, I am feeling strangely optimistic about starting treatment. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up, but I am looking forward to tackling this thing.
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I've always had issues with the advice, "live every day as if it were your last" (even though I am big on giving it). Do you honestly realize how messed up the world would be if everyone did that? If we all knew the world would end tonight at midnight, no one would go to work, people would spend every last cent they had, it would be total anarchy- sparklingly beautiful anarchy, with drunken revelry and dancing in the streets....okay maybe that doesn't sound so bad after all. But it would not be conducive to any sort of modern society, that's for sure.
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Thank you everyone, for the outpouring of support. It has been just wonderful and I am humbled by the generosity and love from all over the world. I am also reminded once again at what an amazing community I have all around me, both near and far. I am one very lucky person. I am trying to reply to everyone, but I apologize for being slow about it. Sometimes this is all just kind of....a lot.
Here is what I know so far as to where my cancer has spread. As you all know, I have adenocarcinoma of the lung. In the place where they operated, it came back and doubled in size. The mass is almost 3 cm in diameter. That is on my right side. On my left side, I have two masses that are 1 cm in diameter and several nodules...the smallest being 7 mm. The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. She is afraid that is has spread to my colon but (no pun intended) she doesn't want to do a PET scan because I have been scanned too many times already. So, I am going to have to go in for a colonoscopy (so much fun). The idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis caused my cancer because it left my lungs weak enough for the cancer cells to attack. That is how a perfectly healthy 35 year old woman got lung cancer. I will have a PET scan in May to make sure the cancer has not spread to my bones or my brain but as of right now, she is not seeing any signs of that. The treatment is usually chemo and surgery....but I can have neither. After I have the VATS surgery, I will know exactly how they will treat this thing.
As for how I'm feeling, well, I'm all over the place.
I'm ready to fight. I know I'm strong, and I can make it through this.
I feel really, really sad that my family has to go though this mess. I hope my kids don't remember too much of this. Poor Kevin has had to take me to the emergency room more times than anyone should have to experience.
I am totally dumbfounded that this is happening to me again. Did I get struck by lightening twice? Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. And there is a part of me, deep down, that is absolutely, completely, paralyzingly terrified. Terrified of possible outcomes that I don't want to even give voice to. Terrified of walking back into hell, but this time my eyes are wide open with the knowledge of just how dark this road can get.
Is it better to know?
I will walk willingly into any fire, just let me live.
Every day I breathe, everyday I think, I am alive! And that is something wonderful!
Love you all and truly mean it....and God loves you too,
Shanna xoxoxo
Official prayer warrior page for my fight against lung cancer: facebook.com/hope4shanna
Official blog Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/shannabananahealthandfitness
My Go Fund Me Page (any and all donations will help with my medical funds)gofundme.com/hope4shanna2016
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