This week has been challenging, both physically and mentally. I haven't had much interest in watching TV or eating, for example. Don't worry, I am eating, just mostly for social reasons (dinner with the family) or necessity (so I can take medicine). The part that troubles me is that I am not enjoying any of these things!
To be honest, I'm rather fed-up with this whole cancer thing. Even sleeping has lost its charm. Sometimes I feel like I am just passing time in my signature low-grade fever funk, waiting for the moment when I am so exhausted that I pass out lying down on or leaning into the corner of my couch. It's getting old friends, really old.
Normally, when you are sick you think, 'I should rest so my body can heal, and I will feel better.' But, I am not certain that this logic applies here. First, I know that no amount of rest will fix this. Cancer does not simply 'run its course.' Correction: Cancer DOES run its course, but you don't want to be around when it does. Second, misery loves company. I am tired of being miserable alone. And third, I hate feeling like a day has gone by and I've done absolutely nothing to enjoy it. I can't just keep waiting to feel better. What if this is as good as it gets and I am just wasting time?
I can't actually say that life didn't happen as I had planned; I realized that planning was futile when I was a teenager. That was when I first had an inkling that 'everyone' doesn't necessarily have it 'right'. I have always been one to create solutions and not just make decisions.
This skill has always served me quite well. This is how I have three extremely amazing children. Like a stand of trees it has grown and matured alongside of me. It helps me to overcome odds that seem insurmountable. It guards me from being someone I'm not. It shelters me from crushing self-doubt. It allows me to let everyone know where I stand with them.
When I turned 30, I thought the next 30 years were going to be the easy ones. Boy...was I ever wrong! I think life just gets harder as you get older. I figured since I had faced enough challenges to last two lifetimes during my teens and twenties, my thirties were going to be a breeze! Yep, I expected that the next 30 years would be full of fun, relaxation, and fulfillment.
And why would I think otherwise? I had worked hard for to provide for my family, I have always been the woman who would help anyone regardless of how little I may have, and I tried to setup the best life possible for the ones I love and for myself.
But alas, shit happens. Rather, rare lung cancer and rare lung disease happens. One day I am going into the hospital to get a biopsy to confirm a diagnosis of Wegener's Disease and the next, I am sitting in a hospital bed weeping as a different surgeon than my own tells me it's cancer. And, wouldn't you know? This was the one moment when my family wasn't there. Like I said, shit happens.
I only know how to deal with this as I have dealt with all other problems in my life (run to my mommy); head first and with a solid plan. Of course, that would be meaningless without the love and support of my family and friends...and the strangers that are praying for me on the page my husband created for me.
You know, I would rather have lung cancer and have people who love me so much than to be healthy without them.
I guess that gives you some insight on where I stand.
Love you all...mean it,
Shanna xoxo
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Oh Shanna, this is just so crazy! The more I read your bliss I feel like I could have written them. We've never met, yet a prayer partner shared your story and I've been praying for you, sending you messages and trying my best to keep up with your blog when I'm feeling good enough..I've shared some very personal info about my own health problems...reading this blog just made me realize why God brought us together as strangers...even though I don't have lung cancer, I have lung disease, lung infiltrates and Wegener's! I also have Commin Variable Immune Deficiency which means I have no immune system to fight infections with. I spent six yrs of my life in bed as I've mentioned before and I was in my thirties when I was diagnosed! I also have had severe Lupus diagnosed since my early twenties. My life came to a crashing halt and it seems like it took forever to be diagnosed! I have other autoimmune disorders and it seems like once you have one the rest just line up. I wish I could take away your pain and I know I'm not in your same shoes but I think I can understand your roller coaster feelings as I go through it all the time..I miss working. I always worked and loved my career and I was always meeting new people and then one day I was confined to being home and too sick to get out except for Drs appts and I hated it...friends thought I would love being home..not at all...maybe if it had been my choice...maybe if I hadn't had so much guilt for not bringing in money and us loosing everything...all these maybes. Try to stay positive and keep surrounding yourself with love! If you ever need to talk, cry, scream, rant, etc please feel free to email me at cindeeroach@gmail.com as I get a lot of what you are going through!
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