Dr. Roque informed me that I do not have Pneumonia; however I have chronic pleural and parenchymal scarring of the right lung. It has grown since my last chest x-ray, so they are going to do another two views in two weeks to see if it is continuing to grow. If so, they will have to biopsy it. This is why I am having trouble breathing. The roller-coaster is never-ending..
One of my favorite movies is "The Fault in Our Stars" and is especially a tearjerker for me right now. When I walk around with my oxygen tanks, I feel like Hazel. Although the love of my life does not have cancer, he is walking this walk with me. One of my favorite quotes from the movie is: "Whenever you read a cancer booklet or website or whatever, they always list depression as one of the side effects of cancer. But,in fact, depression is not a side effect of cancer; depression is a side effect of dying" (John Greene-"The Fault in Our Stars"). This is so true.
Sure, I am depressed...but I am depressed because I have a ticking time bomb living inside me waiting to explode and all I can do is wait. So, I pray ten times harder than the usual human being. I pray for time. I pray for God to remove this sickness from my body. I pray that God restores my joy and takes away the sadness I feel when I lay my head down to sleep at night. I pray for a cure. Depression is a side effect of life...and death.
And in the meantime...life does go on. Life goes on despite the sadness, despite the illness, despite the hurt and sorrow. Life simply goes on. I cannot let it go on without me. I am grateful for every damn day.
I have certainly spent my fair share of time mourning the loss of my health, my ability to keep my life, and the loss of my career (I have always worked...so staying home feels quite unhealthy to me).
Being diagnosed with lung cancer at 35 is not a joyous event; it comes with an immense amount of stress. The first month was filled with waiting and wondering and of course, deep fears of the unknown. Having lung cancer, I have emotional pain and fear. Every doctor's appointment is a huge drain based on the new information that we had to digest. We then had to try to communicate what was going on to other people while trying to internalize it at the same time. That becomes a challenge in itself which is one of the main reasons I have this blog. I appreciate everyone who uses this blog as a resource to find out what all is going on with me, even if it seems like I blog too much.
I am blessed to have found my soul mate at such an early age. I was only nineteen when we met. I knew from the moment our eyes locked that one day he would be my husband. We have spent fourteen years (off and on) of our lives together. We have dealt with separation and we even divorced for a short period of time...but here we are, stronger than ever. He is by my side through everything. He is there to hold my hand or to simply brush my hair back and tell me we are going to get through this together. Our hands are the exact same size and fit perfectly together. He is only a few inches taller than me, which makes it easy to cuddle with him.
My children are definitely God's gifts to me. Each one of them has a different personality, but I see me in them. They make me laugh on a constant basis. Their smiles not only light up a room, but they light up my heart as well. I get so many compliments on how well-behaved my children are. They would help anyone who needed it. Their hearts are huge. I could not have asked God for anything more.
My life doesn't move as quickly as it once did, and I am actually okay with that. I can keep up with life now. Naps are a must now (I love naps!). I find myself feeling sluggish at about two in the afternoon every single day. I have the kids work on some art and then I take about a thirty minute nap to help me have the energy to finish the day. I think I get so sluggish because I run a fever every day. Believe me, the fevers are the most annoying part of being sick.
It's 4:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. My youngest son is my cuddle buddy for the night but instead of cuddling with my sweet little man, here I am writing. My mind is on overdrive and has been for the past couple of weeks. I feel like crying but I can't. Celexa makes it almost impossible for tears to be shed. I am so frustrated and overwhelmed, but I know these things are only temporary. See what I mean by roller-coaster? The plethora of emotions is crazy!
I'm not always going to be able to be the cheerleader. My journey is just beginning, and there will be good days and bad. My loved ones will want to provide encouraging words at every bend in the road. But please understand that there are times when I am solemn- and that's okay. I will share some things because I need to be heard and supported- not because I need someone to 'fix it'.
I have no way of knowing whether I will live one year or ten or more. Neither do you, of course, but between the two of us, I bet I'm more acutely aware.
Everyone wants me to focus on living as long as possible. It's an easy concept, sounds great, and quite frankly, somewhere along the way, our species became VERY preoccupied with the concept of time. But, is that the right goal? I prefer to say that I want to live with a high quality-of-life. And yes, I would like as many of those years as possible.
In the past week, though, I've defined a happy medium between the optimists and myself, the eternal realist. I want to be around as long as my grandma was. There are five people who would be greatly impacted if I died any sooner than that; my mom, my husband, and my three kids. The thought of them losing me is more upsetting than the thought of my own death. This isn't to say that my other loved ones wouldn't be devastated. Nor is it to discount their love for me and mine for them! But without me, the world will eventually move on for everyone else, except my five biggest fans (please understand that I am only being practical, and I don't mean to upset you or elicit any "my life would never be the same without you" remarks).
It has almost been four months since my diagnosis. And, I am still in a state of shock. Believe me, most people are when I tell them my age and what type of cancer I have. "You have lung cancer? But you are so young." I am aware of that...I was just as shocked as everyone else. I think the person who was the most shocked of all was my cardio-thoracic surgeon. She kept apologizing to me as if she were the one to give me cancer. Everything about this is confusing, and it never becomes any clearer.
It's always sobering to meet people who have just learned of my cancer. If I am on my oxygen, then it usually comes out in conversation. Sometimes, I just volunteer the fact that I have lung cancer.
I've become accustomed to the 'jaw drop' when someone hears my news. I'm okay with that part. It is the questions that come next that are uncomfortable. "Are you still in treatment?" Actually, I cannot start treatment yet because my immune system just isn't strong enough. Or I get the whole, "Well, I'm sure you will beat it and be okay!" People are genuine in that they want me to be healthy. But that statement also serves as a basic need to resolve conflict. We want things to be okay- not just for the subject- but because that will make things right in our minds. No-one wants to live in a world where an otherwise healthy 35 year old mother to three can get lung cancer. It's contradictory to what we thought possible, thus it creates a rift. And the brain wants to- needs to- fix that.
At this point I could just smile and say, "thanks". But I wasn't a person to pull punches before, and my diagnosis surely hasn't changed that. No, if I already chose to share my condition, I'm going to provide full disclosure. Usually I'll say something like, "It's something I will have for the rest of my life." Or, "actually, I'm stage IV".
I have yet to meet someone who didn't understand the gravity of those four words. And that's when it happens, that moment that is so sobering. Their eyes widen and brow furrows as they realize they are looking at someone almost certain to die before them. Some people scan me, almost like they're looking for a countdown timer.
In that split second, I'm reminded, "wow, I really am screwed." For some reason the gravity of my situation always hits me in those exact words. I guess even in my internal dialogue, I'm as straightforward as can be!
The conversation continues with an awkward, "I'm so sorry," followed by my brief tap dance about how wonderful technology is and how I may have several quality years. Then I change the subject as quickly as possible. I've explained my behavior, dropped the bomb, collected some pity, and concluded by giving the person an 'out' so they can still believe the world is all rainbows and ponies (for the record, I'm a fan of both).
I guess I could keep my cancer a secret. It's really no-one's business that I have cancer. But sharing with people can be cathartic, and I consider their momentary uneasiness a small price for that. Maybe you feel that's selfish, but I don't.
Love you all, mean it,
Shanna xoxoxo
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No Shanna you are not being selfish.People do not really know what to say when confronted with cancer. My husband has had bowel cancer twice , once when aged thirty. Both his parents died young with cancer. The gene runs in his family.A dear friend who is a young fifty has brain cancer. I can understand what your family are feeling. As for strangers , they really mean well but sometimes they say the first thing they feel that they should say which ends up being really lame. The way You are dealing with your cancer is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteLorraine (I am a Facebook friend of Owen's)
When I get really low and depressed and tell my husband how 'screwed' we are and that it's just a matter of time before one of us drops dead he always reminds me we could be healthy and die in a car accident and I'm like that's not what I wanted to hear! Life isn't fair but I'm so glad you have the love of your life, your three beautiful children and your mom to be there with you to try to give you as much hope and encouragement as possible. Of course we all want to encourage you as much as possible and believe but there are those of us that are realists as well..there's a fine line in believing and encouraging I guess. As you say, this does suck for you but it seems like you are doing great for all you are dealing with. Don't beat yourself up! Don't sweat the BIG things either..a but if stupid humor but I think you know what I mean, Bless you always! Cindee
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