I woke up today feeling full of anxiety. I had such a difficult time sleeping last night. My grandma has stopped coming to me in my dreams and last night the nightmares just wouldn't stop. I need her now more than ever.
Living with this death sentence has become extremely difficult to deal with. And it's not just the lung cancer, it's the severe anemia I'm struggling with as well.
My anemia is so severe in fact, that my doctor from UT called me today. If my numbers are not up by Tuesday, he is talking about doing blood transfusions. Yes, the doctor himself called. How many doctors do that anymore?
I wish I could draw a picture of my fear so you all could see what I feel...but I suppose my words will have to do.
My PET scan has been postponed until my anemia gets better so tomorrow the only scan I'm having is the CT. I really wish my cancer would stop getting in the way so I can move forward. I can't get treatments because I'm always running a fever, or I have pneumonia, or severe anemia. I think cancer is enough to deal with...so please stop screwing me up even more.
I’ve had so much support coming from all corners since my diagnosis. It’s staggering, a little surprising, and deeply reassuring about the amount of goodness in the world. I appreciate every ounce of it.
But.
There’s always a “but,” isn’t there? The “but” is that some messages resonate more deeply with me than others.
There’s a very common language of cancer out there that people employ. I haven’t studied linguistics, but it seems to have a lot in common with the way one would discuss war. It’s all about “fighting the battle,” telling cancer to “F**k off,” being strong in a militaristic way. It’s all very angry, and somehow masculine, and it usually doesn’t feel right for me.
Now, please don’t mistake this as me preferring weakness, opting to succumb to cancer willingly, singing kumbaya as I do. No. It’s just that strength to me does not equate to anger.
Cancer is just cells that have gotten confused. It’s not personal. I understand the “F cancer” sentiment of friends and family. I don’t mean to censor anyone who finds this helpful. Getting angry at them and telling them to F-off used to feel satisfying when I was trying to express how upset I was about someone else’s cancer. But now that it’s my cancer, it mostly just expends a lot of energy that I don’t have to spare. I’m not living in a fantasy world of rainbows and unicorns. I do get angry sometimes. But, in general, I’m trying to gather my strength and focus on the cells that are functioning properly; help them to heal me, and accept the life I have now because I need to repair and restore balance in my body.
But with cancer, there are so many people out there, myself included, who have to find a middle ground. At Stage 4, I hope for a miraculous total disappearance of my disease, a clear “win.” But I know that I must also prepare and figure out how to live with it, hopefully for an extended period of time.
So, I find myself in a place where management is the goal (and a realistic possibility). I may never get to declare a clear victory in the way many people are thinking, or at least speaking about this. Does that mean I lose? No. I need to find words that allow room for a different understanding of a successful way to approach this.
My hope and prayer is that my blog can help raise awareness that lung cancer can strike anyone with lungs; that someone, somewhere will have come across my blog and recognize their (or their patients’) symptoms a little earlier; and that research funding will eventually increase. So, thanks for reading, and spread the word.
Love You All...Mean It
Xoxo
Shanna
P.S. I'm selling super swagged out hoodies to support my lung cancer journey...check out the link below for more information!
www.booster.com/onebreathatatimeforshanna
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