I came home and took my medicine and immediately felt like it should've been bedtime. The kids didn't really like that idea, so here I am still awake writing this blog. They ruin all my fun! How many of you would love to just go to bed at 4 in the afternoon? Right?! You people reading this that agree that 4 sounds like a good bedtime are now my new best friends. You get it...now please come explain it to my kids.
My husband bought me a beautiful "Angel Worry Stone" today. I am supposed to keep it near me anytime I feel anxious, afraid, worried, or negative. This tiny Angel is my hope. She will help keep my mind out of Cancer Land 24/7. I have the most amazing husband and best friend. He always knows exactly what I need to keep going.
Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to step away from "Cancer Land", especially when your body refuses to allow you to forget it. I know it is much healthier for me to take a break from everything "cancerish" every once in a while, I just wish my body would follow suit.
There are days when I feel like I am in the deep end of the pool, looking up at all the colorful bodies swimming all around me and above me..wondering if or when I should go up for air. This past week I feel like the water is getting deeper and deeper and I am sinking further down. Gasping for air and not knowing if I can get back up to the top as I sink into the darker water.
When you have depression and anxiety as a normal part of your personality, grabbing high stress events and stacking them on top of each other seems to be the test of how much you can handle before you break. I hold my head up as high as I can, but I am tired.
I just want to build a huge blanket fort and hide inside of it for about a week. No doctor's, no bills, no bad news...just pure bliss in a blanket fort. I need a break. I am so stressed out about not having a car and having to bum rides. This is not the life I signed up for.
I am tired of pain (and I have an unusually high tolerance for pain), and I hurt everywhere. I don't understand why I hurt. I am tired of feeling like a pill popper when I take pain medicine (even though I don't take them until bedtime), but I also do not like being in this much pain all of the time. I have many different medicines that help me to live life to the fullest, but it's weird to me that I have to have them in order to live a somewhat normal life.
I am trying to pull myself out of the water. Kevin is desperately trying his hardest as well. But, I keep sinking. I am not giving up, so please do not read this blog thinking that is what I mean. I just want people to really feel and understand the emotional toll all of this takes.
So, when do we "call it"? When do we say enough is enough and give up?
For me, that will be when I am no longer enjoying life and as long as I have three amazing children...I will always enjoy and embrace life. In the meantime, I will ride this roller-coaster, even if there are days I am screaming into my pillow that I want off this ride. The tears in the corners of my husbands eyes are enough to keep me going on a hard day.
Cancer is hard on relationships, but it also teaches you not to sweat the small stuff. I have just recently realized (since my diagnosis), that I married the most amazing man in the universe. He was created just for me. He holds me when I need to just be held, he lets me vent without saying a word, and he is always there to hold my hand...he is always there for me even when I can be a complete and total handful (ask my mother...she knows how much of a handful I can be).
A long time ago, I learned to listen to my body. I have been sick most of my life. My body has not been telling me a good story for the past couple of weeks which is why I have been so anxious about getting the scans. My leg pain has become progressively worse and I have a pins and needles type of pain right in the middle of my chest. Adenocarcinoma of the Lungs is not supposed to spread at a fast rate...but I feel like something just isn't quite right.
My hope is that my body is a mean liar and all this is is residual pain from my surgery and pain from the anemia...nothing else. Yes I have Stage IV Adenocarcinoma of the Lung...which typically means that it has spread all over my body, but in my case, it is listed as Stage IV because I have it in both lungs. I am quite the jigsaw puzzle.
If there has ever been an upside to having this dreaded disease, it is that people are so kind when they find out I have cancer, even nicer than they were when I was pregnant with my three children. Loved ones seem to love me more, or tell me so more often. Everyone wants to do things for me and offer help. The love has come from some unexpected people and warms my heart in indescribable ways. At times, the outpouring of love almost feels as though it could cure me (don't I wish that were true).
Stage 4 Lung Cancer is incurable. I know the odds of long term survival are not in my favor. I believe that my team of doctors at UT Southwestern Simmons Cancer Center are going to do everything they can to extend my life and improve the quality of my life as well.
All of my days are filled with uncertainty, but I know there are a few truths that will always remain. I will always need an oncologist. I can count on my family and friends. And I will never stop wondering how many Texas sunsets I will get to see.
I have had quite a year. It has been very difficult, confusing, challenging, uplifting, informative, and surprising. It has been just a slew of different emotions and endless doctor's appointments..while still trying to keep the home life stable.
But...I am alive. I am living. I will never take breathing or waking up for granted again.
Cancer is very personal and unique to the person going through it. It is similar to finding yourself and what makes you whole. It is hard to describe the emotional and mental state that cancer creates, just as it is hard to say which treatment will definitely work in the time you're allowed. Though, I am still waiting for treatments, I have to understand that there is a reason for it. My cancer is not the same as everyone else's. My cancer is specific for me, so my doctors have to make sure they find a treatment that works for my particular type of cancer. No two cancers are the same...they may have the same diagnosis, but because we are all individuals, so is our cancer. Whatever my doctors decide, I will hold onto hope that it will work. I pray that I am given strength to continue on my journey and perseverance to beat the unbeatable.
Because with God, even the unbeatable is beatable. <3
P.S. Don't forget about the really amazing hoodies you can buy to support me through my journey. Booster Hoodies
“Cancer is a word, not a sentence.” » John Diamon
“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” » Cayla Mills
“Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.” » Jim Valvano
"Hope" is the thing with feathers— That perches in the soul— And sings the tune without the words— And never stops — at all.... ~Emily Dickinson, c.1861
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