It's All in My Head

   God makes a way when there is no way. At least I know He does for me. As I had previously mentioned in an earlier blog, our Christmas Tree was destroyed by mice. I had no idea how I was going to get my babies a tree. I prayed and an answer was given today. My two very best friends and Sisters in Christ, Jenny and Chris, brought me a real tree today. I am so grateful. My cup runneth over. 

   As soon as they left, the kids and I wasted no time...it was like a race against time. We were all so excited. Damion helped hang the lights...and of course the first strand was burnt out (of course it was) so he walked over to Walmart quickly and came back with a working strand of lights. Kaitlyn and Tristan put all of the ornaments on (which will probably be destroyed by our insane cat in the morning) and Damion placed the Angel on the top of the tree. Kevin is going to love it when he comes home in the morning. We had a wonderful time just spending quality time together. That is why a tree at Christmas is so very important.

   Tomorrow, Kaitlyn and Tristan are putting on a play at church. Damion is going to get up and get ready to go with us to watch them perform. I was shocked and very proud. Maybe, just maybe, God is reaching him. After church, we get to go out to eat barbecue. The kids are nervous about their parts, but I told them that is normal. And I also told them that they weren't performing for American Idol or anything so it will be all good.

   I have been up since five this morning. I already wrote one blog, but didn't share it. I have had just so much on my mind. The anxiety of waiting to know what the scans show is about to drive me crazy. I will be happy when I can finally understand what is going on inside my body.

   The basic stress that the c word puts on somebody mentally just can't be measured. But, I think even more than that, it is alienating. Not to everyone, and not completely, but you become an enigma in most circumstances that leaves you wanting for the "normal" encounters that you used to have with the rest of the world. Life's little "problems" become petty, and tolerance for ignorance, stupidity, and bullshit becomes nil. You suddenly become "enlightened" to the fact that the phrase "life sucks" and "then you die" is pretty much spot on, and you might as well do things that matter and leave the rest alone.

   We are so focused on the next...we just need to focus on the now.

   Now my children need me and I will be here for them up until I can't any longer. They will have every ounce of me because they are gifts that were given to me by God to look after and teach. These three precious gifts will always have the now. My life has to be focused on the now...the one day at a time. If I go any further past that, I become overwhelmed. This is something else the c word has taught me...focus on the now..not the next.

   Tomorrow they will be with me. Tomorrow I will just think about the moments, and not the tomorrows. 

   A great quality of life doesn't happen in a vacuum or by accident. It is only with the love and support of my husband, my children, my parents, and MANY wonderful family members and friends that I am living my life as close to normal as possible. All of you have no idea how much strength you've channeled to me by being active participants in my complicated life. 

   Love you all...and I truly mean it. 

   Always,

   Shanna xoxo


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