I have an appointment tomorrow with my cardio-thoracic surgeon tomorrow. This is my follow-up from surgery. I am hoping that all looks well and that it will be my last appointment with her for a while; not because I do not like her, but because I do not like surgery.
We found a cancer treatment center closer to home. We will be going to UT Southwestern Harold C. Simmons Comprehensive Cancer Center in Dallas. CTCA will be sending all of my medical records to them and they agree that I need to find a place closer to home. I will still return to CTCA on occasion but they will no longer be my primary cancer center. I received a T-Shirt in the mail from them today and felt like it was a sign for me to go. My first appointment is on the 16th of this month.
Although I have had such a wonderful day with the kids, my cancer is always there to remind me that regardless of how much energy I have at the time, it will be gone by the time I am done. And it sucks. It is impossible to ignore how profoundly my illness has impacted our family. Not only has it changed how our family functions, but it has had a serious financial impact as well. And I feel absolutely guilty for that. But, as I remind myself over and over (and over and over), none of us are promised tomorrow. All we can control are the choices we make today, and the life that we lead from moment to moment.
I want to look into the future and see my husband and I growing old together, watching our beautiful children grow up and become the remarkable adults that I know they will be.
How do I prepare my children for a future full of uncertainties? Cancer does not come with a booklet...and neither does life. My little man said to me one day while I was in the hospital, " If you died, the one thing I would want most of all is to be able to see you again."
This simple remark left me frozen in my tracks. What do I say to that? I was trying so hard to process his words with the knowledge that, in all likelihood, this is indeed something that he may very well face.
With my cancer, I have to keep reminding myself to just make it through this day, this this hour, this minute. We have gradually grown accustomed to its presence and are starting to learn how to live with this new creature in our midst. I learned to take those tentative first steps- to get my legs under me again. A stumble, a trip, then trying to find the courage to pull myself back up and try again. Trying to find a voice, to speak in this new reality. Finding the words to communicate and describe this new landscape has proven to be almost impossible. I have learned to grow into this new identity, and to develop my new sense of self.
Almost two months ago, I got the devastating news that what we thought to be Wegener's/ Vasculitis, was actually lung cancer. To be honest, I would rather have Wegener's. No more hoping that my impaired breathing, coughing up blood, unexplained fevers, or several bouts of pneumonia were due to an auto-immune disorder. The biopsy confirmed it: lung cancer.
I guess you could say that the old me died that fateful day in September when I received the devastating news. The person that I was prior to that point was now gone. The person who could talk casually about growing old, the person who could commit to future events without a voice in the back of her head "If I'm still here" is now who I have become.
I know it all sounds bad, but I can assure you that it is not. A new person has arisen from the ashes. A person who is not afraid to take chances, be bold or speak up, a person who tries hard to make people laugh and smile on a constant basis...is who I am. I have found a new voice. I am still working on finding my footing and trying to remain hopeful, but I am doing the best I can. I am someone who thinks frequently about the end of life, who walks alongside sickness, and who knows a shocking number of people in various stages of dying. I am someone who is no longer afraid of talking about these taboo topics...and I am someone who understands the painful, beautiful brevity of our time here on Earth.
I will never forget the day that Dr. Wilcox walked into my room and said those three words, "You have cancer." I will never forget how I felt. I will never forget the tears that streamed down my face. And I will never forget thinking that I cannot have lung cancer...I have three children depending on me.
I met so many different cancer patients at CTCA...and I know that most of those patients, including myself sometimes, feel like "what's the point in planning a future if I am not even sure I am going to be in it?" Well, the answer I have come up with is "so you can live and not let cancer even have a chance to win." Cancer already does so much damage to us. It takes away our self-esteem by doing horrible things to our bodies, it hurts us and our loved ones, and it take a HUGE financial toll. And the thought of leaving loved ones behind, for the cancer patient, is simply unbearable.
We are all given this one precious life, and God doesn't want us wallowing in self-pity. There are days that I do wallow, but I am only human and nobody is perfect. The shock of the initial hand I was dealt has almost worn off and it is time to move on. There will be many setbacks, I am sure of it. But to carry that burden is not my job. That is where my faith comes in. So...I am faithfully planning my future and will stand back up with every hit that cancer throws at me until God feels it is time. I am letting Him carry this burden.
Cancer is cancer any way you shake it...and it all sucks!
God works in mysterious ways and is helping me in more ways than you can possibly fathom. I am asking all of my friends and family and even people I do not know to help me to live by donating or buying a shirt/hoodie. The only way I will be able to continue treatments is to pay for them...and with my husband being the only one that can work right now (until I finally get my SSDI), that is quite difficult to do. I will leave the links below. Any amount helps. Guys, I really want and need to live for my three children...please help me to do that!
Finally, thank you all for your continuous prayers and support. God, thank you for all you are doing in my life. Every day that you allow me to wake up, is another day I get to spend with my family. It is because of you that I can face tomorrow, because you live inside of me. "Life is worth living because He lives." I will never give up praying for a miracle. I am not going to lie to you or sugar coat things for you, it is a tough battle. Sometimes we get tired and feel like we cannot fight anymore. That is when we need support and love the most.
God designed this life to live according to His plan, not our own. Wisdom acknowledges this. We have to believe that "Father knows best." My beliefs on here may not always be popular, but maybe just maybe this is my purpose...to reach someone else through this blog. We have to do what we can with the time we have now. You never know when it will be cut short.
I am going to relax and cuddle with my babies and my dog. I love all of you and am so grateful to have so many friends and family who are constantly rooting and praying for me. Sweet dreams...and don't forget that it is Lung Cancer Awareness Month. The links I am providing below are my Go Fund Me, my Booster, my Facebook Fan page, and my Caring Bridge. Any donation you can make would go a long way to my getting to continue treatments and beating this monster. Thank you all. Love ya'll....
Shanna
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
You continue to amaze me.....<3 you!
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