I Am

I Am

I am the ocean

Capable of astonishing fury

Or velvet serenity

As calm as moonlit waters

As constant as ebullient waves

Crashing across the endless shores

As spacious as the cloudless skies

encircling the world above.

This is the ebb and flow of my existence

And the essence of my being

And though many sights are viewed on my surface,

My depths are great or greater

Filled with opportunities un-yet fulfilled or discovered.

-Shanna Ranee' Brock-

   Today I saw my Cardio-Thoracic Surgeon for my follow-up appointment. She will always be looked at as my hero because had it not have been for her agreeing to do the biopsy, I would have never known that I have lung cancer. My scar looked really good, so yeah for a little bit of good news. She is still not 150% convinced that my cancer did not metastasized from somewhere else, but we will not know that for sure until all of my stains are back from the Mayo Clinic. She gave me a prognosis of 8 months to 5 years...however; I have too much faith to care about a prognosis. I am too strong and too determined to allow this cancer to take my life. She allowed me to cry with her....we both had tissues. She cried because she had no idea the biopsy would turn into cancer, and I cried because....well because I have lung cancer. 

   I am typically just fine until my house is completely quiet...and then I am left alone with my thoughts. I have to take my sleeping pills pretty much immediately after the kids go to bed because allowing my thoughts to get the best of me could prove to be more than I can handle. I love the nights when KB is off...but when he is working, like tonight, the nights are really quite difficult.

   I talked to my mom tonight and she brought up a really good point. I have always felt like I had to have control of everything...not in a bad way, but because I needed everything to go right. Maybe I got lung cancer because God is trying to teach me how to let go just a little bit...because cancer, you have absolutely no control over.

   Knowledge is power.

   This belief has driven how I respond to stressful situations in my life.

   When I found out I had Stage IV Adenocarcinoma, then Squamous Cell and Broncheoaveolar lung cancers, I dove into the research that CTCA had given me and tried to learn everything I could about my cancer.

   For the first few weeks, I was in a fog of confusion, denial, and shock. In those early days, I felt completely frozen. It was as if there was an avalanche of emotions waiting to engulf me, and any wrong move could set it off. I couldn't even listen to music, because the feeling of the notes caused the ground around me to vibrate and I knew if it shook too hard, the walls would collapse and I would be crushed under the weight of my reality. 

   For the first few weeks, I absolutely avoided reading anything about lung cancer. I knew enough to understand how dire my situation was, but I couldn't face seeing it in black and white.

   I took a deep breath and started reading...and what I read was scary. The stats were bleak and they were staring back at me unblinking from the page.

   I knew I had Stage IV Non Small Cell Lung Cancer.

   I knew that I am only 35 years old.

   I knew that I had three children depending on me for every aspect of their life.

   I knew that I may not live long enough to see them grow up.

   I knew that there was no cure.

   I knew that I had a really rough road ahead of me.

   I knew that I was ready to take the first step on the path.

   Lung cancer is a roller coaster. You go up..up..up and you feel okay...and then you go really fast down..down...down...feeling really terrible. It is horrible that cancer has happened to so many people, especially kids. These illnesses that are beyond our control and sometimes unstoppable. As a Christian, I believe that life on this earth is only the land of shadows, and real eternal life has yet to begin. The end is really our beginning.

   Since November is the official month to be thankful, I will say, I am grateful to have cancer. I know this sounds crazy, but so many good things have happened since I got diagnosed. My family has become closer to me, my kids all get along better, and I found love in my best friend once again. 

   A year ago, I was so down...doubting so much. I don't doubt anymore. God has a plan for us all. His plan was to not take me just yet. I promised Him I would praise Him and not take credit for where I am today. He has been my rock and He has not forsaken me. And I know, whatever the future holds, cancer or no cancer, He is with me.

   I have the opportunity that very few have. The opportunity for a second chance to make my life right. That is what I am doing. Living by faith, not by sight.

   That's all for now. I just to share my joy and remind you, we all have things to be thankful for. Even if we don't have everything, we do have love. God bless you all! Please keep your faith!

Matthew 15:28

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith!  Your request is granted."  And her daughter was healed from that very hour.

   

LUNG CANCER FACTS

1. Each year in the US, more than 228,000 people are diagnosed with lung cancer, and nearly 160,000 die of the disease.1

2. Lung cancer takes more lives than breast, prostate and colon cancers combined – it accounts for 27% of all cancer deaths.1

3. 1 in 14 people will be diagnosed with lung cancer.1

4. Nearly 80% of new lung cancer cases are former and never smokers – 20.9% current smokers, 60% former smokers, and 17.9% never smokers.1

5. The 5-year survival rate of lung cancer is 16.8%. Breast cancer has advanced to 89.2% and prostate cancer to 98.9%.2

6. The percentage of lung cancer diagnosed before it has spread is 15%, compared to prostate cancer (81%) and breast cancer (60%).2

7. Lung cancer is the second leading cause of all deaths in the U.S.3

8. Genetic predisposition may also play a role in lung cancer development.4

9. Lung cancer kills more women than any other cancer—nearly 200 women each day and most die within a year of diagnosis.5

10. Lung Cancer is the least funded cancer in terms of research dollars per death of all the major cancers, and one of the only cancers where patients are routinely blamed as responsible for their condition.5

11. LUNG CANCER OVERTOOK BREAST CANCER as the leading cause of cancer death among women in the United States in 1987 and now claims the lives of more women each year than breast, ovarian and cervical cancers combined.5

1 American Cancer Society. Cancer Facts and Figures 2013. Atlanta: American Cancer Society; 2013.
2 SEER Stat Fact Sheets. Surveillance Research Program, National Cancer Institute.
3 National Center for Health Statistics; American Cancer Society, Cancer Facts and Figures
4 Atlanta: American Cancer Society; 2011.
5 Out of the Shadows: Women and Lung Cancer”, prepared by the Mary Horrigan Conners Center for Women’s Health and Gender Biology, Brigham and Women’s Hospital, Harvard Medical School, April, 2010