I have had this unusual "cyst" on my ovaries since 2014. It started out at .25 mm. Pretty minute, right? It has grown in size to almost 6 CM. I have noticed my menstrual cycle has been pretty out of whack. One month I will bleed really heavily for 2 weeks, and then the next month, my periods are pretty light. I have also had to pee more frequently during the night and cannot really hold my bladder during the day (sorry if that is TMI, but this is a cancer journal...not all of it can be pretty). I vomit almost every single day and on days that I don't actually throw up, I am nauseous. My Dr. (Dr. Khan) believes that the so called cyst is actually a tumor because of how fast it has grown and all the symptoms I have been having.
He also saw the tumor on the adrenal gland, the pleural wall thickening, several nodules on both lungs (one is 6 mm which has grown since the last scan), and a mass on my sternum. So, I am in an advanced stage of cancer.
I go back for a PET scan and a CT scan sometime within the next two weeks, and I also go back to see him in two weeks. His plan of attack depends on the two scans. He heard fluid in my left lung. He wants to drain the fluid and test it for cancer cells, biopsy both tumors, and biopsy another nodule just to make sure that all the nodules in my lungs are indeed cancerous. He said it was a very high probability that they are and he truly believes that the cancer started in my ovaries. Ovarian Cancer is very hard to detect. Once he receives all of the answers he needs, I will be started on both a chemo and radiation regimen. Though I have advanced cancer, he promised to make my quality of life better and that he would prolong my life as long as he could. This is the first doctor who has been completely upfront with me about my prognosis. I really am grateful to him for that...although hearing from a doctor that you are going to die from this cancer sucks, at least he was honest with me.
I've always considered fear the enemy; something to conquer and overcome and I have definitely had a lot of practice. Being risk averse and scrappy has been an asset now that I have lung cancer. When you have a terminal illness, it is similar to coming to the edge of a ravine with a tiger hot on your trail. Between you and safety is a rickety bridge that may or may not support your weight. However, even chancy passage is an easy decision when the alternative is certain death.
And I have to fight back with everything I have because I have three very important reasons depending on me to win this war with cancer.
I spent some time today thinking about what it means to be a mother. To me, everything. There is nothing that is more important than my three children. They never cease to intrigue, surprise, occasionally confound, and ultimately amaze. If I were not Damion, Kaitlyn, and Tristan's mom, I would hope to be their friend.
And no, I don't believe the two roles are interchangeable. I have never tried to be my children's pal. I feel as if doing so would have compromised my role as a parent (somebody has to be in charge and it's too much to expect of a child) and possibly invaded their personal space.
At any rate, the mother/child relationship has a very different dynamic than friendship, which is vulnerable to the whims of one party. By definition, you cannot initiate or maintain a friendship without mutual agreement.
The love I feel for my children is independent of any external forces. I love them each absolutely and without expectation. And, although, I need to love them, I don't need them to love me.
Crazy talk, you might say. But not really. Just as most parents do, I desire a close relationship with my children. I am pretty damned sure I have one. We are kind of a very tight knit family. What I don't want is for my children to feel tethered or that they owe me anything; final obligation is not part of my personal conduct.
Damion, Kaitlyn, and Tristan; thank you. Being your mother is the greatest gift from God imaginable. As you make your place in this world, keep your hearts open.And never forget that I love you always.
Authoring this blog has helped me cope in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Initially, I felt that at the very least it would serve as a chronicle of my experiences, a small legacy for my three beautiful children.
I will never give up or lose my faith or hope. I have to live and make the most of every day, no matter how little energy I may have. I can't control what happens to me, but I can choose how to respond to it.
Matthew 19:26
"But Jesus looked at them and said to them, 'With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'
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