Today started off pretty good. I woke up and drank coffee with my husband on the back porch. We drink our coffee on the back porch every single morning because I am in love with the sounds of the birds chirping and the gentle breeze blowing. I love to take in all of God's beauty. I look for beautiful leaves that have fallen off my favorite tree and I save them. I am blessed for every morning that I get to soak in everything that God has placed on this Earth for me to admire.
I managed to vacuum and fold laundry today...and catch up on two months of grading, which took me four hours.Then I started running a really high fever and throwing up blood. This is a new normal for me that I have somewhat gotten used to. I am learning more and more about my body and it's need for rest. Trust me, my body lets me know when I am doing too much.
A biker group adopted my family and is going to help provide Christmas for my family...they are even bringing us a Christmas dinner. This is all because of my best friend, Jenny. I really do not know what I would do without her and Chris. God speaks to them in so many different ways...and this would be Christmas number two that she has figured out a way to help my family. This takes so much stress off of me because my finances are a complete mess right now. Like I have said so many times before, I feel like such a burden on my husband. There are not enough hours that he can work to get us caught up on our bills, pay all the medical expenses, and buy Christmas. Thank you Jenny and Chris for lessening my load. We love you.
Cancer is hard. Living with cancer is even harder, and then watching your support group of friends and family fall apart is the hardest yet. I hate cancer and all that it has taken away from me. I hate having to answer my youngest two when they ask me if I am going to die. I honestly don't know how to answer that question.
I can't put into words the world we live in. On one hand, I try to push everything cancer related to the back of my mind. But, on the other hand, I know it's there. It scares me to plan for anything in the future and it puts me in a state of limbo. Sometimes, I just don't think I should plan anything, especially with my extreme fatigue. But that would mean cancer is winning and that is not going to happen.
I keep on having to battle pneumonia, or a collapsed lung, or a pleural effusion. Today, I got angry...not at anyone, but at "It". Just tell me how this could happen to me? I am so young. I have children to raise. What are they going to do without me? I home school my children because I don't want to lose any time with them, not even one second.
I really really hate cancer. There are so many reasons why I hate cancer, I can't even list them all. You get sick all of the time. You have anxiety and fear about being unable to watch your children grow up or grow old with your spouse. We trust that God will take care of them, but we don't want to miss it. It doesn't seem fair. But it happens.
Then there is the fact that death is actually a symptom of cancer. It's a heartache that shakes you to the core. It's contagious too. It spreads to your friends and family who are also suffering immensely. I will never give up praying for a miracle...my Aunt Margie told me just yesterday, "Miracles do happen." But, it's a tough fight. Sometimes we get tired and feel like we just cannot fight anymore.
I'm not only living cancer sick, but I am also living cancer sad as well. This is my life now, like so many others. I used to be able to work and ease the financial burden. My job more than paid the bills. I stress out so much because I just don't know or understand how we are going to keep making it until I get my SSDI. And stress isn't good for cancer. My stress level is just insane right now.
It's frustrating not understanding anything. I wish my family lived closer...or I lived closer to them. I also wish that my doctors were closer as well.This just isn't how I pictured my life. I guess not many people are living the life they pictured either.
I should be down on my knees praising God for this time, and I will. But, I feel like I am still living on borrowed time. The emotional toll cancer takes on us is unimaginable. I know caregivers and patients know what I'm talking about. It's just hard to explain to everyone else. It's awful.
I guess my biggest fear is not being here for Damion, Kaitlyn, and Tristan. That has been at the forefront of all of my thoughts every second of the day lately.
Let me just say, with Lung Cancer, I'm not sure I will ever stop grieving. I jump from one stage to another. The good days, I'm in the acceptance phase. And I have hope on those days as well. But, I still get angry, bargain with God, depressed, and flat out refuse to believe that this is my life now. Don't think I am like this every day though....most days I am rainbows and butterflies (just don't ask my husband about that).
But this is real. This is my life and I am blessed to have it. Don't think I've lost hope or am sad just because I write a post like this one. This will always be my life (unless one of you can find a stinking cure!).
It's just normal to have anxiety and depression. I'm still here, I'm not going to stop fighting, but I may get a little crazy from time to time.
Seemingly out of context and without warning, it hits me. Hard. Like a punch to the chest, it literally takes my breath away.
I have terminal lung cancer.
I had a great cry this evening to let it all out...I cried with my dog's head in my lap. I made sure I had my crying session after I laid the kids down. I cannot let them see me fall apart. It's tough sometimes, but it's all about perspective.
Cancer changes relationships...it's true. Some friends and family will ignore the fact that you have cancer, tiptoe around, avoid you, or even say offensive things. I cannot let that get to me. The human brain is wired to wrap thoughts around mortality and the possibility of suffering. Other friends and family will absolutely embrace you and be by your side through everything. I will take good care of these people and make every effort I can to keep them close.
I will close with this...each person will have their own journey with cancer. Some have journeys that are cut entirely too short. Others have journeys that seem to go on against all the perceivable odds and no one knows or understands why. It is a journey that is filled with potholes, beautiful scenery, and some sticky thorns. But it is a journey that is taken one step at a time...because when you have cancer, you have to learn patience.
I hope I can be an inspiration. Brave and content; accepting of whatever outcome...making it easier for my loved ones. I am just a simple person who lives a simple life and is happy with simple things. But somehow, someway, I want to be that person who inspires someone to keep going....to keep choosing life.Life may be complicated, cancer may be difficult, but living....life....it is so worth it.
Matthew 14:31
Immediately Jesus reached out and caught him. "You of little faith", he said, "why did you doubt?"
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