Today we celebrated our Thanksgiving with my mom, step-dad, and my Aunt Mardeen. It was an amazing day filled with gratitude and love. And...tons of food. Needless to say, after I helped mom clean up the kitchen, I came home and found solace in a nice relaxing nap.
The past two days have been absolutely fantastic. I've tried to keep my mind occupied since our loss the other day. I've done probably more than I should've, but I regret none of it. My body, on the other hand, would more than likely disagree.
This is scan week. I have severe scanxiety because I have no clear idea on whether the cancer has spread or not. I get all of my scans on Thursday but will not know any of the results until the 8th. Besides being nervous about the scans, the waiting for answers is probably the worst part.
My youngest two have been following me every where I go since I received my diagnosis. I think they are so terrified that I am going to die that they feel as though if they are not with me every second of every day, I will no longer be here. I have never had to experience what they are going through before, so I cannot imagine the fear they must feel.
Well, I want everyone, including my three children, to understand that all of our days are numbered. We are all going to die one day, some sooner than others. What is important is that we live the way He would want us to live. There is a purpose for all of us. Mine may be this blog, reaching out and helping people, raising my children, I don't know. And I won't know until I'm at those pearly gates. Neither will any of you. So, I do have complete faith in my healing. But, where that healing takes place, that is up to God. That is something we do not have control over, so what is the sense in worrying?
That's what I want my children to know. I will be fine. Whether it be here or in heaven. They do not have to worry about me. Yes, I get sad because I worry about them, but I can't control what happens. I only pray that they will be fine without me one day. They are such strong children, and I pray that they will continue to have the love and support they need to deal with the big things that come their way. They've already been through so much.
I want to live, really live. Not just a mundane life, but something more extraordinary. We always think we have time. Believe me, it can change in an instant. So, really live while you can. You don't want to regret it.
I've had roller coasters, ups and downs, and am sure I will continue to do so. But for today, I will be happy because I am still here. I am alive!
Cancer does change your perspective. I don't like arguing, staying mad, holding grudges....it's too short people, way too short and can change in the blink of an eye. I am so Thankful for everything I have. I hope you all are too.
Of course we all know our life here on earth is too short. To some I suppose it may feel like an eternity, but for those of us fighting for another day……it is way too short.
Life is not about money, or materialistic things. It's about faith, hope, and love. You can have all the money in the world, but without these three things, you can still be poor. It took me so long to realize that. I do have a great life. I may not be rich....probably barely middle class. But, I'm happy. I'm happy to be alive and able to spend more time with my family and friends.
See the beauty in everything and to love and hug everyone in your life...I never want to say ( I wish I had done that or I wish I had said that).
I have so many emotions that I deal with on a daily basis...but somehow I figure out a way to keep going. It may be one breath at a time, but I am still going. Cancer is not going to get the best of me now or ever. Even when God takes me home, cancer will not have won the battle. We, I, cannot give cancer that much power.
Love you all dearly and truly mean it. Xoxo
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