I knew two days of energy would come back to bite me in the butt.
I'm feeling really weak today and running a fever...again. I'm still having problems taking deep breaths and even with the continuous oxygen, I've been having some difficulties breathing. My legs have started cramping up again which is either from the severe anemia or my cancer has metastasized. I'm just going to be my own doctor and blame it all on the anemia.
We had a rude awakening this morning. Our electricity was shut off, so once again, I had to ask mom and my step dad to help me out. They were supposed to wait until tomorrow (when I get paid) but apparently, just like with my car, they could not wait one more day. I'm oxygen dependent and there is no way I could have waited until tomorrow to have electricity. Once again, I owe my mother and stepfather a huge thank you. I don't know what we'd do without you both.
As for my car, even though we paid what they asked us to pay in order to stop the repossession, they still want another $1300.00 (that includes the tow and storage). It's just a car and cars can be replaced. At least we have a roof over our heads. I am just going to chalk it up to a loss. I refuse to let my cancer think it is destroying me emotionally as well.
I have pretty much just hung out in bed today. Tomorrow the kids start back to their regularly scheduled school days with mommy. That will definitely keep me occupied and my mind off of the negative. I think we will get the classroom all Christmasfied tomorrow.
Before lung cancer, I would have freaked out, become depressed, and lost my cool because of the losses we keep experiencing. Kevin was always my voice of optimism. Now, I am the one keeping calm and I think I'm scaring him with all this positivity. Really, he looks petrified every time I tell him that God knows what He is doing.
I think when you are living with a terminal illness, your gratitude meter kicks into high drive. You learn what is important and what is not. You learn that you cannot change things you have no control over and you learn how to make life better, even if you have to go without for a short period of time.
I just want to say to everyone else out there fighting this hard battle, no matter what cancer or illness you have... As long as you have the most amazing support, prayers and faith, thats all you need :) this experience has opened up our families eyes to how much love and support we have and it has brought a lot of us much closer. We have realized the "rainbow after the rain".
I feel my eyes have been opened to the ugliness of this world, but also to the beauty and hope it offers in the amazing humanity we surround ourselves with.
This is a scary disease. But I have so many people rallying for me that I can't just give up, especially my family and friends.
People who don't have cancer seem to be understanding but they don't understand how frustrating this is. I want this mess gone out of my body! I have three kids. I can't leave them behind. My fourteen year old is having dreams of me being in the hospital sick. What can I tell her? I don't know. Im just tired. Tired Tired Tired! Tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do!
This is the part that effects me the most; the toll it is taking on my children. If I don't have any answers, how am I supposed to answer theirs?
I still believe in God's healing miracles. He's my one and only cure right now. I have, and will continue to pray for healing for not just myself but for every cancer patient, those battling and those surviving, out there. I don't know alot of you but know that I love you and God loves you and I will always keep you in my prayers! God is so good! He's not brought me this far to leave me now. I love Him for His wisdom, knowledge, power and glory. When the praises go up the blessings come down.
Life is not fair and nobody ever promised it would be easy either. All we can ever do is look to Him, pray for answers, and believe that everything will work out according to His plan. My new slogan: Taking life one breath at a time. I think it suits me quite nicely. After all, isn't that what we are all doing anyway?
Love you all! Mean it!
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