If you're friends with someone who is chronically or terminally ill, there are certain things you should not say to them. Depending on sense of humor of the person who is ill, there can be jokes and sarcasm about the illness and if you know the person well enough, they will like the jokes. Those things are all fine, and in fact, usually welcomed, because it helps normalize the illness. Which is really what I think most of us want- to 'normalize' our lives, so that our illness isn't always the main topic of discussion or worse yet, a topic to be avoided and ignored and even danced around. I don't mind jokes about death or dying because I have lung cancer and I know that I could die any day...but so could any one of us. In fact, since I have been diagnosed with lung cancer, I have come up with some pretty damn funny jokes myself.
The other day, while I was in the hospital on oxygen therapy, I was laughing so hard I could barely breathe. My nurse, Rudy, was literally having me in stitches. I told him to stop being such a dork and making me laugh because 'he was killing me'. Rudy then said, "I'd feel really guilty if I made you die from laughter but what a way to go, right?" Sometimes when I am in a really pissy mood, I will make jokes that are morbid and not at all funny. They tend to really piss Kevin off. I can't help it. It is my way of coping.
Yes, I have cancer...but it does not mean I deserve special treatment. I am not fragile, and I am not breaking. I am sick. I am still a human being and I should be held to the same standards of life, love, kindness, fairness, courteousness, etc., as any human being is. If I am rude, don't let it go just because I have cancer. If someone calls you a nasty name, you can call them out, regardless if they are disabled or have cancer. Nobody deserves to be treated poorly.
People who are sick or even dying do not get a pass for being an asshole or a jerk. And they really DON'T want that for the most part. All sick people want one thing: for things to be normal again. The number one thing that we lament is the loss of our old way of life. The number two thing that we lament the of is the way people treat us.
I think that is why I enjoy Facebook so much since I have been sick. On Facebook, I am as normal as anyone is normal (and on Facebook, that is saying a lot). On Facebook, people don't see me struggle to breathe, they don't see me vomiting, and they don't see me weak. On Facebook, no one sits up all night with me while I am in horrible pain. These are all things my family sees and deals with on a regular basis. I suppose it can't help but change how you view a person. I don't blame them or anyone else for treating me differently. It's just on Facebook, I am not fragile.
So, it's a refuge for me, a place to hide and be normal as normal gets, to have interactions that are more genuine and honest, it's a place where I get to feel for a short time, like the me I used to be. But every once in a while, people on Facebook even say things that just aren't quite right to say to someone who is dealing with the things I am dealing with.
Okay...so after this long winded blog...let me get back to things you should not say to someone who is chronically or terminally ill. The main point I am trying to make is don't change how you treat someone JUST because they are sick.
I know just how you feel/ I know how you feel/ I know what you mean.
Here's the thing...unless you too have lung cancer, you don't know how I feel.Even if you do have cancer, you still don't know how I feel. You might guess and empathize with me, but you cannot possibly know how I feel. So don't tell me that you do. Because when you say that, I want to scream at you. No, you don't know how I feel- you cannot possible know how I feel- no one can possible know how I feel. It is an emotional pain reaction. But the truth of the matter is, no one can ever truly know how another feels, so there's really no reason to say so. It is okay to say "I'm sorry" or even "I cannot possibly understand what you are going through, but I empathize with your pain."
My so-and-so used such-and-such treatment/medicine/herbal remedy/online elixir/snake oil/MLM marketing products/etc., and it worked wonders for him/her! You should try it!
When someone is living with a chronic illness, chances are, their medications are highly regulated. I know mine are. I am on a ton of different medications that can be quite dangerous. So, I cannot go adding herbs to the mix as I have no clue what could possibly happen to me. While I appreciate the intent to help, taking something I don't know what it is, could literally kill me or cause major interactions with my medication. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't want to know about new and cutting edge treatments. Please know, I truly, deeply appreciate, all the concern and caring and the intent behind these suggestions, but I simply cannot risk my health on these things.
So-and-so had such-and-such disease (usually the same as or similar to your own), and he/she lived for years and years after their diagnosis!
Yeah....every person is different and every disease progression is different, so hearing that someone else lived a long time and a good life after their diagnosis is not only not helpful, but it can sometimes be defeating when your diagnosis is different and you know you won't possibly be able to have what that other person had. Facing the reality of my situation without delving into the morbidity of it is crucial for remaining healthy mentally and emotionally. If you want to give us hope, then talk to us about all the things we can still do with our time- however short or long it may be. Talk to us about how our lives make an impact on the those people and things around us. Help us leave a mark in this world that means something. Because whatever time we have...we need it to be quality time.
Nothing (or nothing about the illness).
You know, it is not uncommon when someone is sick for friends to turn away from you. It is hard when your friend can no longer do the things they used to be able to do, the things that brought the two of you together in the first place. But if you think it is hard on you to not be able to do things with your friend any more, think about how difficult it is for your friend who cannot do these things anymore. And while you still have friends who can do those things with you and you can turn to them, your ill friend is alone and needs someone to turn to. Sometimes, we need to talk about it and let it all out. We need someone safe to blow off steam to. And we need to be able to release tears to someone we trust. Don't turn away from us...instead be an ear or offer a ride. Be our friend.
I just want you all to know...we are not fragile and we will not break. We are people...just like you only ill.
<3
Me
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