First off, I want to
say thank you everyone for your outpouring support, prayers, and love. It is
just so wonderful and I am humbled by the generosity and love from people all
over the world. I am reminded once again what an amazing community I have around
me, both near and far. I am one lucky person. If I don't get to your messages
right away, I apologize, this has just kind of been a lot on my family and
myself.
Yesterday
I had posted that I would be going to Baylor for treatments. That has changed for
now. I leave Sunday for Tulsa, OK to go to the Cancer Treatment Centers of
America for my initial evaluation, diagnostic testing, and a treatment plan.
This first visit will cost nothing. I also get to take my children with me.
They have family guest rooms just like at a hotel, they offer a game room, and
board games for all of the kids and KB and I to do together. I will be there
for approximately 3-5 days.
As for
how I am feeling...well, I am in a lot of pain and my emotions are all over the
place.
I am so
ready to fight. I know I am strong, and I know I can make it through this. I
feel really, really sad that my family has to go through this mess. It is
especially hard for my mother and my eighteen year old son. Poor KB has had to
take me to the Emergency Room more times than I can count. Nobody should ever
have to experience any of this.
I am
totally dumbfounded that this is happening, and I wish I could point to a
cause. There is a part of me, deep down, that is absolutely, completely, paralyzingly
terrified. Terrified of possible outcomes that I don't even want to give a
voice to. Terrified of walking into hell, but at least my eyes are wide open
with the knowledge of just how dark this road can actually be.
Is it
better to know?
I walk
willingly through any fire....just please let me live.
I am reminded
of a Tom Petty song called "Learning to Fly".
Well I started out down a dirty road
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still
[Chorus:]
I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn
[Chorus]
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
Started out all alone
And the sun went down as I crossed the hill
And the town lit up, the world got still
[Chorus:]
I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings
Coming down is the hardest thing
Well the good ol' days may not return
And the rocks might melt and the sea may burn
[Chorus]
Well some say life will beat you down
Break your heart, steal your crown
So I've started out for God knows where
I guess I'll know when I get there
I'm learning to fly, around the clouds
But what goes up must come down
So as you can see, I think every cancer patient can
relate.. We all have started down a dirty road and thought we were alone. We
have to relearn how to live, a different way. "But the good ol' days, may
not return", means our lives have been changed forever.We don't
necessarily have the same opportunities we used to, but we don't have to stay
down. We can "learn to fly, around the clouds". We can learn to live
with this illness we have, and still be happy.
"Well some say life will beat you down, Break
your heart, steal your crown". No kidding! This song to me is
about losing a life we can never get back. But we learn to deal with it.
We get back up, and we keep going. It's about acceptance of our
situation, no matter what it is. I think Tom Petty is pretty much a
genius, regardless of what the original meaning of the song is. It's one
of my all time favorites. Just had to share. I hope we can all
Learn to Fly, even if we don't have wings...
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