Today, I have replayed this song like fifty times. Today, I just need to be held. I have cried so much today. I cannot be strong every moment of every day, and I have to realize that this is very normal. God has brought me to a bigger understanding of who He is since I started this new journey of constantly being ill.
I am learning to put my trust and hope into something much bigger...God. Maybe illness makes us stop and reevaluate our lives. Maybe we find that we are never alone. Or maybe He speaks to us in different ways. To me, He spoke to me through my son and through The Casting Crowns. I literally cry whenever I hear their music. It moves me in a way I have never experienced before.
While I may not understand the why of life, I understand the Who. I learned that I would have times, like today, that I wouldn't know why things were happening or what lied ahead but I could trust the One who writes my days. It is that trust that would carry me. Even when the path seems dark, God puts reminders in my path to remind me that I am not alone (like the song above).
God has used the Casting Crowns and my youngest son to help me understand that God still has a plan for me even when I cannot see it. Every single day I must make a choice. I can allow my illnesses to make me bitter, I can believe that I am dying, or I can choose to honor Him in spite of it. He can give purpose to my pain.
This last year has been the hardest, not only on me, but on my children, KB, and my mom. Treatments that they said would work, failed. Despite second, third, and fourth opinions, the conclusions are all the same. My children are all old enough to understand that mommy is sick, and they all ask me why the doctors are not making mommy better. KB has had to take the role of caregiver, and my mom has had to be therapist...all much too soon. Even though God has brought me on a beautiful journey of a deeper understanding of who He is and what faith really means, I wish that I could say my struggle was over. I wish I could say that I never have moments of wondering if things would be better off without me. I really wish that I could, but that would be a lie.
Thankfully, I know my journey doesn't end here. I serve a God that is much bigger than anything the Enemy tries to dish out. These illnesses are the Enemy attacking my body...and I believe that God has something much bigger in store for me. It is not my strength that gets me through each day but His. Christ came to break my chains and set my heart free. It would be easier to just give up. God never calls us on an easy path. He does promise that we do not have to go through this journey alone. Not only is He with me but He has placed so many amazing people in my life to fight alongside of this with me. By watching my children grow up in front of my eyes, I now have a better understanding of God's grace and love.
While my life has been full of trials, God has blessed me so deeply and I know that I would not have the relationship I have with Him now without those challenges. I would not have compassion without the suffering and while I would have never signed up for this life, I would not change a thing because of what God has allowed me to be a part of through it. Thank you Casting Crowns for your service, for your music, and for your message. God has used you in an amazing way to change my life...to save my life. I could not be more grateful.
I look down at my wrist and remind myself that I am a fighter...I still have a pulse.
I look at my children and my darling KB and remind myself that I am a fighter.
I look at my beautiful mother and remind myself that I am a fighter.
I look at God's promises to be with me always and remind myself that I am a fighter.
I am a child of God and He will never leave me no matter what happens. I give Him my faith, hope, and love. My life is in His hands once again. I am reborn in His mercy and sacrifice. I had an emotionally exhausting day today. I have been sick for the past four days...but tonight as I write this blog, I feel such a sense of calm. I feel Him running through me. I hear Him. It's all going to be okay. He is holding onto me. And He will never let me go.
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