A year ago, I was just starting out searching for answers as to why I was running a fever every single day. For an entire year, my life has just kind of been on pause. My illnesses have reared their ugly head over the course of my life...but, the severity of them did not start until a year ago. Over 365 days of running a fever...that gets pretty exhausting in and of itself.
I became housebound and that is absolutely something I am not used to being. I was a very active woman prior to all of this. When you become housebound due to a chronic illness, your life seems to lack structure. Being on pause causes my mind to wander. I want so much better for myself and my family. I often dream of a healthy life...one that doesn't keep me trapped in this bubble. I know my circumstances are not normal and that being completely healthy is probably never going to happen. So, I have to draw a line somewhere. I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself. This is when being chronically ill and disabled makes me rely on copious amounts of positivity that I can find within myself and circumstances, and that takes a hell of a lot of patience.
Being positive about this surgery has proven to be quite the challenge. I'll admit, I am a typically positive person, but for some reason, having this surgery hang over my head for as long as it has, has really kept me on edge. No matter how positive I think I want to be about the surgery and my situation, when the sheer reality hits me on just how major of a surgery this is, I completely freak out and then the anxiety negative monster strikes. I feel like I cannot escape. I feel numb, distressed, depressed, trapped, unhappy, and emotional each time I think about the dreaded surgery.
I have not been able to progress any further in treatment because it has taken over a month just to get to the point where we can finally schedule surgery. My CT showed a total of 26 lung nodules. My previous one only showed eleven. So why am I on Prednisone at such a high dose if it is doing nothing for my lungs? And what the hell are these things that keep growing inside of me? And why do I have to wait all of the time? And what if this biopsy doesn't yield the answers they need? I've been through more biopsies this year than any normal person could incur in a lifetime. Only one showed Wegener's....the rest were basically a waste of time...and of course took me forever to recover. So, I am praying that this gives my doctors everything they need to proceed with treatment...and this is not going to turn into another unnecessary procedure.
When progression seems to slack in your life you feel like you are stuck deep in a hole with the walls slowly collapsing in on you. You feel stuck in more ways than you can count. This is how I feel right now. Diverting my attention away from everything I am going through right now has not been an easy assignment.
I have been trying to become more aware of when I tend to focus too much on this "stuck" predicament I feel like I am in. Ultimately, it is a case of accepting my current reality and being hopeful that my future can become better. Yet, it is also about balance; wanting to fight for a current, fulfilling purpose in my life. And...that fulfilling purpose is of course my family. It is not fair that I allow the circumstances that are completely out of my hands to have the ability to control my every thought.
It is definitely a struggle to remind myself to not get continuously caught up in that smothering "stuck" feeling. I am only punishing myself. I am looking for any slight bit of resemblance of normalcy...and I guess this new life I lead, is my new normal. I am so happy that tomorrow I find out when I get to have the surgery because then I will actually have a date and not feel so stuck.
Some say that what we go through in life has the ability to change our existence entirely. Sometimes, these momentous occasions are triumphant and positive. Other times, they are some of the toughest experiences a person has to go through and face head on. I have to be strong enough to face this surgery head on...and I will. One thing all of us have in common in these life-altering moments is we were never given specific directions on how to prepare mentally for these kinds of challenges. At least I know that I am probably not the first person to be terrified of surgery.
These life changes have the ability to change you for the better but they also have the ability to shake things up in your life, leave you in distress, implement future worries, and cause you to face a new reality. They can damage your confidence (which they certainly have mine), change your personality, and hinder your growth as a person. I know from personal experience, that deep down, after a long time of living a certain way, a drastic change in life can sometimes cause you to focus on the negatives. It can rob you of your character and leave you feeling empty inside.
Life always goes on...it goes on despite how one feels. It goes on without you if you continually allow yourself to focus on the negatives. And I try so hard to remain strong...there is just this one hurdle that is weighing me down. I have to stop allowing it to control me.
I am still the daughter who wants to make my mother proud of me, I am still a mother who wants my children to be happy always, I am still that friend that will always have your back no matter what, I am still KB's Angelbaby, and I am still God's Hand-Maiden. I am still Shanna. The greatest part about being alive is that we all have ways to make life beautiful again even when we thought it was not possible. I will find my way back to beautiful. Although it may make me feel this way sometimes, my illnesses will not ever be the most important part of me.
So...my life is on pause, but only for a moment.
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